Camborne town is set to become the retail capital of Cornwall when it opens a Harrods and the world’s first Poundland drive thru.
Construction work will begin next month on the old fire station building in College Street, Camborne.
Head of the project, Mark Munday said “Camborne will be the trendiest town in the UK. We’re building the world’s first Poundland drive thru, then a Harrods and might even get a Nandos! When it’s complete, it will be Cornwall’s answer to London! We were thinking of getting some Boris Bikes for people to hire but changed our minds as they’d probably get nicked.”
Derek Simmons of Cranberry Road, Camborne wasn’t happy about the plans, he said “Poundland drive thru ain’t no good to me, I don’t drive and what do we want a Harrods for, we’ve already got Jim’s Cash and Carry! I think it’s a waste, they should turn the old first station into something we can all use, like an internet cafe!”
It is not certain when the stores will open, after locals in the town demanded that the construction of KFC in Pool was finished before they carried out any more building work in the town.
A weekly steak night was turned into chaos last night when a crazed man ran into a pub shouting, “I am the Veganator” before hitting a customer over the head with a cucumber.
Man shouted “I am the Veganator!”
The incident happened around 6pm, at the London pub in Redruth, which holds a steak night every Monday. Pub owner, Derek Chapman said, “It was just a normal night, about 30 people sat down enjoying their steak and chips. Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard an angry roar. It happened so quick, it was like a dream, surreal. Suddenly, a man with a moustache and his hair tied in a bun came charging through the door. He ran up to the first table and shouted “I am the Veganator!” Then pulled a cucumber out his pants and hit Freddy Gribble over the head. The cucumber snapped and one half landed in Freddies pint. The whole pub fell silent and all you could hear was the jukebox playing Black Eyed Peas. I must admit, that’s never happened at one of our steak nights before.”
The London Inn – Redruth
The attacker quickly fled the scene and the episode was over within minutes.
Freddy Gribble from St. Day near Redruth said, “I go to the steak night every week and always sit next to the entrance. Nothing strange ever happens, apart from once when they had a twenty minute power cut and I fell over trying to find my way to the toilet. But tonight, I was just sat there as usual enjoying my tea. Then, the door burst open and this bloke hit me over the head. Before I knew it, he ran out the door again. It happened so quick, everyone was looking at each other like, “What the hell just happened?” I’m not taking any chances next week, I’m going to sit well away from the front door, sod that.”
Pub landlord, Derek has decided not to pursue the incident, as nobody was hurt but will remain vigilant in case of a repeat attack.
The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.
Disused mine in Scorrier
The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.
Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”
Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”
What the new apartments will look like
Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”
The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.
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North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un has halted his nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket to fire into space.
Kim is some boy mind
It is believed the idea came after a school in Hayle, Cornwall launched the world’s first pasty into orbit yesterday. The pasty, supplied by a Cornish bakery, Rowe’s was attached to a weather balloon and sent into space, it reached over 35,000 meters. It eventually popped and made a safe journey back into Cornwall.
The supreme leader believes he can better the students, by making an actual rocket from pasty, rather than attaching it to a weather balloon. He also believes that using a Philp’s pasty and not a Rowe’s will be the key to his success, he said “They sent a Rowe’s into space, Rowe’s are alright but, I like a Philp’s more! You can’t beat going down Hayle for a nice Philp’s pasty, they’re bleddy ‘ansome! We’ll be the first country in the world to build a Philp’s pasty rocket and send it into space!”
President of the United States, Donald Trump is not concerned about the North Korean Rocket, he said “Our intelligence tells us that North Korea has been unsuccessful so far. Every time they bake off a pasty and take it out the oven, Kim bleddy eats it!”
A supermarket is offering free pasties to children while their parents shop in all of its stores across Cornwall.
Kernow Shopper is setting up a bakery stand at the front of each shop, serving large steak pasties free to children and available to adults for £5 each.
Barry Bunt, Kernow Shopper chief executive, said: “The original plan was to give out free fruit, but we’re a local supermarket, for local people and fruit comes from all over the world. Every child in Cornwall deserves to eat a large steak pasty whenever they want.”
The oggys will be made at the stores head office in Redruth, by staff dinner lady Margaret, who has a GCSE in home economics. They will then be distributed to the four stores across the Duchy.
Margaret will be making the pasties…
Derek Davis, head of the health service for Cornwall, isn’t happy with the supermarket, he said: “I don’t think it’s right children should be given free pasties and adults have to pay! Everyone should have access to free pasties!”
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It was announced today that planning permission has been granted to replace St. Ives lighthouse with a 50 foot seagull statue.
The town has secured two million pounds of E.U. funding for the project.
St. Ives Task Manager, Mark Odgers said “We were lucky to receive this money, it was the last allocation of funds from the European Union after the Brexit vote. With technology these days, lighthouses aren’t really needed and to be honest, we were getting a bit bored of staring at it everyday and decided a change was needed. We had a private meeting and agreed it should be replaced by a statue of a gul. They are lovely birds and a big part of the town. We can’t wait to see new paintings of the harbour once the statue is complete!”
Work will begin next week and will be finished by the end of September.