3 feet of snow expected if there is a no deal Brexit.

The Meht office have issued a yellow weather warning, saying there will be 3 feet of snow if Theresa May goes through with a no deal Brexit.

There could also be a pasty shortage with only the big companies like Ginsters left to serve the public lunch.

It is believed that if a Brexit deal is reached then we will just get a bit of rain and all pasties will be restored.

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DJ breaks up bar brawl by playing Benny Hill theme tune.

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A DJ was praised as a hero on New Years Eve after breaking up a mass fight by playing the Benny Hill theme tune.

DJ – Jimmy Disco, real name Dave Smith was working at the Dinlo’s Nightclub in Camborne, Cornwall when the fight broke out, he said “It was an hour to go until the new year countdown. I thought I would put on a slow song just to get everyone in the loving mood. I played Tammy Wynette – Stand By Your Man. As soon as the song started and the words “Stand by your man” came through the speakers, a few women walked across the room from their partners and stood with other men, then all hell broke loose! There was chairs flying, pool cues snapping and bottles going everywhere, it was crazy! We managed to call the police, but after a couple of minutes the fight was still going. I thought, I started this mess, I need to finish it! I had a sudden thought, I scrolled through my laptop and found it – Benny Hill. I had nothing to lose! I pressed play and when the music kicked in, the fight went from terrifying to hilarious. People were throwing punches to the music and giggling. After a minute, the whole room stopped fighting and everyone was making friends, laughing and joking. When the police arrived, the whole club was back in party mode. The police warned me only to phone them in an emergency and threatened me with wasting police time.”

Nobody was hurt in the incident and clubbers at Dinlo’s nightclub saw in the new year with a smile on their faces.

TV show Beverly Hillbillies to be filmed in Camborne.

The Beverly Hillbillies is getting a reboot and it will be filmed in Camborne, Cornwall.

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The comedy classic TV show about a redneck family who strike it rich and move to Beverly Hills has been going since the 1950’s.

The show will have a similar story line, but will match the Cornish culture, writer Bob Billy said “The show will be renamed the Camborne Hillbillies and will be about a family who strike it rich after finding a large deposit of tin in their back garden. They then sell the tin and move to Penponds in Camborne. It will be amazing”

Filming will start next month at the Wagoners pub opposite Iceland.

People are calling for the next Lassie the dog to be played by a cat.

The classic TV show Lassie is getting a reboot and people are asking for Lassie to be played by a cat instead of a dog.

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Lassie is a TV show about a female Rough Collie dog who every episode goes on an adventure helping people in distress.

The show began in the 1940’s, Lassie fan, Max Doberman, said “I have watched every episode of Lassie, I even named my dog Lassie, but times change and in this day and age, I think it’s only fair that Lassie gets played by a cat and not a dog!”

Not everyone is happy, when the news was posted on twitter, there was a backlash when 3 people commented on the tweet, one person wrote “This is getting beyond a joke!”

It’s not sure whether Lassie will be played by a cat, we will find out in the new year.

 

 

Men dressed as Santa banned from saying ‘ho ho ho’ in case someone gets offended.

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The government issued a warning today, refraining anyone dressing as Santa, not to use the term, “Ho ho ho” in case it caused offence.

Chief whip, Harry Balsak made the announcement on national news this morning, he said “With the current climate, we are asking anyone dressing as Santa, not to say “Ho ho ho” as this could be taken the wrong way, as someone might think you are referring to prostitution. Instead, we’re asking Santas to say, “hi hi hi” as this will be more family appropriate!”

After the announcement, people went online to voice their concerns, William Williams posted to Facebook, “First Kleenex remove mansize from their tissues, now people aren’t allowed to say “Ho ho ho” where will it end?”

 

Santa may not be able to deliver to the UK after Brexit!

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The UK was hit with another EU blow today, after Santa Claus announced that he may not be able to deliver to Britain after Brexit.

In an interview with Noel Edmunds, on the Swap Shop, he said “After Brexit, I’m not sure whether I can deliver to the United Kingdom. It all depends on the trade deal that is being written up. It’s a shame really, as the UK has enough to be miserable about as it is: always raining, no snow and having to watch Piers Morgan on This Morning. I mean, it’s pretty dismal in the UK already, but who know’s what will happen in the next few weeks, we’ll just have to wait and see!”

Santa told us to not worry, he added “This Christmas will not be effected, so don’t forget to leave your beer and pies out, because this year, I’ll definitely be squeezing my fat ass down your chimney.”

o2 apologises for running out of credit.

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Mobile phone provider o2 made an apology today after it ran out of credit, leaving millions of people without a mobile phone signal.

Customer, Neil Young was furious with the apology, he said “The cheeky buggers “text” everyone to say sorry, but nobody can read it, because our phones don’t work. I wan’t compensation!”

Head of o2, Barry Big Balls sent Cornish News the text, luckily we use Vodafone, he said ” o2 would like to apologise for the balls up, we run out of credit and don’t get paid until next Friday, so we won’t be able to get it on until we get paid! I’ve been using the free wifi in Mc. Donald’s, it’s a bit slow, but it’s better than nothing!”