The Camborne Card shop is selling “SISTER” Valentines Cards.

Shop owners said dating your sister is not weird.

Shop owners said dating your sister is not weird.

A shop in Camborne will be selling an unusual type of Valentines card this year “Will you be my Valentine, Sister?” To most people this will seem rather odd, as Valentines Day is associated with intimate love and romance.

Shop owner Shane Baker said “I haven’t sold any cards yet, but it’s still a bit early. I don’t think it’s weird though. Maybe a few years ago, going on a date with your sister or brother was frowned upon. But we’re in 2018 now – anything goes! I’m going to start doing them for animals too! I think goats would be a good place to start.”

Members of the public were shocked at hearing about the cards. One person who didn’t want to be named, said “What sort of sick bugger takes their sister on a date? That guy needs locking up!”

The cards are currently on sale at Camborne Cards in the middle of town, in between the charity shop and bank and will be for sale until Valentines Day on Febuary 14th.

“Cornwall The Musical” based on two drug dealers from Camborne and Redruth is set to be a hit!

Based on a true story.

Based on a true story.

Writers are currently working on “Cornwall The Musical” which is based on a true story about two rival, pregnant, unemployed drug dealers from Camborne and Redruth.

They spend their whole life hating each other, until one day they meet by chance at the dole office, whilst signing on and fall madly in love. They are forced to keep their relationship secret as their dads – Freddy from Camborne and Malcolm from Redruth are notoriously the hardest men in their town. If anyone found out about the ladies relationship; Freddy and Malcolm would both lose their back up, which they both desperately needed whilst they beat up lone, helpless men in the pub.

Mercedes and Cortina decide to move away up country. But Freddy, Cortinas dad see’s their Council House exchange advert in the local off-licence window. In a fit of rage Freddy blows his giro on eight litres of cheap cider and smokes two hundred B&H, before going on the rampage and punching a shop window in the town and finally getting arrested.

All feels lost until the families finally meet up on a TV chat show. The show starts as a complete disaster and they all end up scrapping on stage. Finally, after a few words from the host. They finally realise they are all a bunch of scrote bags and all make friends and live happily ever after.
The musical will be shown in theatres across Cornwall and will include songs;

– You stole my dope
– He’s a dirty dirty dirty little man.
– The dole have stopped my giro.
– Ain’t got no food, but I got an iphone.
– Them eyebrows are the shit!
– Where did you get them black leggings too?
– Alright r e? How’s yer cock and balls.

If all goes to plan the musical will be played out across the whole of Cornwall by next year.

Man in hospital after catching a computer virus.

Symptoms include - lot's of gas, feeling weird....

Symptoms include – lot’s of gas, feeling weird….

A man was recovering in hospital last night after catching a computer virus. William Gates of St. Austell, Cornwall was said to be really poorly, but on the mend.

It is thought Gates was sent a virus from a friend, after sending out too many game requests, on a popular social networking site. A computer expert said “We knew it was only a matter of time before someone caught something off the computer. William must have really upset someone! I do believe he sent out a lot of games requests right before he got ill! There’s nothing people hate more than games requests!”

Gates told 999 operators he “felt really weird and had terrible gas, after spending a lot of time in front of the computer.”

An Air Ambulance was sent out. It was later confirmed, he was the first person in the world to catch a virus through the computer.

Experts added “Only send a game request if you genuinely think someone will want to play. You never know who is really being invited and like William it is really easy to catch a virus. If you feel any of the symptoms; lots of gas i.e. the farts, feeling weird, taking selfies in the toilet or adding lol or lmfao at the end of every status – you should call for help immediately, as you may have caught a computer bug or virus.

Work is under way in Redruth to build the UK’s first Space Station.

Old Brewery site will be a Space Station.

Old Brewery site will be a Space Station.

Redruth will be home to the UK’s first ever space station. Work is currently underway to transform the old Redruth Brewery site – into a rocket launch pad. It was originally planned to build the site at Newquay Airport, but after complaints from the locals who said “people in Redruth never get anything good” the government are now building in Redruth.

Picture courtesy of Scott James...

Picture courtesy of Scott James…

Mark Pascoe, who is a Cornish Astronaut from St. Day said “I’m so glad we are building the space station in Redruth. I’ll be honest with you, I don’t like leaving Redruth very often, apart from going to space of course! But now, when I’ve got to fly to the moon, it’s only a ten minute drive from my house! So I’ll never be late for work again. Although, I better not get too pissed the night before, hey!”

Some residents are unhappy about the plans. Michael Knight of Rose Row said “Bleddy rockets going off down the brewery! It’s noisy enough with the bloody racket that club makes every week! We thought there was going to be a KFC put in! When are we going to get a KFC in Redruth! We’ve been waiting years!”

The Redruth Town Committee “RTC” are delighted with the new space station. Francis Bunt from the RTC said “Over the last ten years the town has been at the forefront of all towns! We are the only town in the UK that has a clock that lights up at night! We’ve got the best statues in the town, a Cinema, Kebab shops and now – we have our very own space station! It’s no doubt, Redruth is the best town in the world.”

The space station will be ready by next year and the RTC will be holding a competition for the residents of Redruth. The winner will stand in mission control and press the rocket launch button on the first mission to the moon! More information will be posted on Cornish News!

Man from St. Ives who was attracted to “Cat Ladies” Jailed for having seven wives.

Sly said he had a thing for "Cat Ladies"

Sly said he had a thing for “Cat Ladies”

A man from St. Ives was jailed today for admitting he had married seven wives. His seven wives were also jailed for animal cruelty.

David Sly from St. Ives said he had a thing for women who kept cats. In fact – he was so obsessed, he married seven women, who each owned hundreds of cats and kittens.

He was found out one day when he bumped into a holiday maker on his way home and told him all about it.

The holiday maker – now a witness said “I was staying at my two million pound second home on the cliff in St. Ives you see, when I met David. He was a nice chap, smelt a bit pissy though! I was very puzzled when he started telling me about his life. He said he had seven wives who had seven sacks full of cats and kittens or something! I thought blimey, all those kits, cats, sacks, and wives! Their house must stink of Cat Gas! I knew there was something not quite right, so I contacted the Police.”

The Police and the Cat Protection Officers later raided the premises and confirmed there were cats with kittens being kept in sacks and they were all arrested.

When Sly and his seven wives entered the courtroom, the Judge made a strange request and asked if all the court room windows could be opened – to let in some air.

Just before he sentenced Sly, the Judge said “Entering into another marriage whilst still being legally married is Bigamy and is a criminal offence! Having seven wives with all those cats clearly shows that, you Sly, have some sort of O.C.D. I think a psychiatric hospital would be a good start, but under the circumstances – you must be jailed. For the seven wives. Keeping cats and kittens in sacks like that, is no doubt – animal cruelty. You all must serve an individual jail term of….. seven years!”


Tunnel made by criminal trafficking gang from Troon.

Tunnel made by criminal trafficking gang from Troon.

Last week, a fifteen foot hole opened up along the A30 near Redruth. The road was closed and caused a major disruption, with tailbacks as far as Chiverton Cross. There was even a report that someone was late for work!

Experts believed the hole was a mine – shaft, but soon became suspicious when the area around the hole gave way and a little man popped his head out the hole.

Mining expert, Graham Pits who found the man said. “We were chipping away at the hole when it collapsed. We were so shocked to find a little man down the bottom. He was prepared for something, because he had a flask of tea and a packed lunch. When we looked in his wallet we found that he had an Eastern European Passport. The only English he could say was “I am Job.”

The authorities were alerted and the tunnel was searched.

After a thorough investigation, it turned out that the tunnel was in fact, an illegal immigrant tunnel set up by an organised criminal trafficking gang from Troon. Police followed the tunnel and ended up in France.

But the hole which has been named “The Illegal Euro Tunnel” isn’t all it seems.

Cornwall’s top interpreter – Nigel Truscott from Pool spoke to the man, he said “We knew the man was an illegal immigrant, but when I asked him what country he had come from, he laughed out loud and said “No, no you don’t get it do you? I lived in the U.K. illegally for the last six months, the tunnel is for people leaving the U.K. I can’t believe this place is such shit hole. Back in my home country, I was told the U.K. was the best place in the world! I now realise they were winding me up! I needed to get back home and the tunnel was my only chance!”

The Illegal Euro Tunnel may soon be made open to the public, with two of the biggest coffee chains battling it out over rights to build a coffee shop half way along the route to France and the possibility of three retail outlets for small businesses.

Lucky Escape For Boy Racers

need for speed tuckingmill

This is an old story…..

A couple years ago some local lads were driving up Tuckingmill near Camborne, when they flipped their car outside Mc. Donald’s.

An eye witness said “they were driving like twats – doing about 70 on the wrong side of the road, probably trying to show off to their mates!”

As you can see – they didn’t quite nail it.

The crash happened near a pedestrian area and luckily – nobody was hurt.

Cornish News thinks the moral of this story is…No matter how good you are at stunts – you’ll never impress anyone in a Citroen Saxo!

Thanks to Kerri for the photo. Happy Sunday all and please drive safely! 🙂