Brown Noise Alarm Clock works every time!

Magazine advert...

Magazine advert…

A new alarm clock, which is said to be – the best alarm clock ever, will soon be on sale!

Scientists made the alarm sound with Brown Noise, Professor Dean Garlin who invented the clock said “Brown Noise has proven to disturb the listeners stomach, it’s the perfect sound for an alarm clock as anyone listening to brown noise will need to go to the bathroom pretty quick!”

The machine was tested on two thousand “lazy” people, who admitted they are claiming benefits because, they can’t be bothered to get out of bed in the morning!

The subjects were first tested with the noisiest alarm clock on the market. Only five people got out the bed to turn it off!

When the new “Brown Noise” alarm clock was tested, ninety five percent of the people instantly jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet. As for the remaining five per cent – Sweat was seen pouring out their foreheads followed by moaning and fidgeting as they tried to fight the sound. Within thirty seconds they all dashed straight to the toilet!

The new clocks are so good – companies across the world are making it compulsory for their employees to use them – the night before work.

Mark swift who tested the alarm said “The alarm does work, but I had a terrible accident when I first used it! Our flat only has one toilet you see. The alarm went off and woke the whole house up!”

Professor Dean Garlin said “The clocks will be on sale within the next few months, but you can get the £100 device for free if your work is participating in the “Brown Noise Alarm Clock for Workers Scheme” so speak to your boss the next time you see them!”


Resident in Cornwall arrested after tornado insurance fraud.

The garden was just messy!

The garden was just messy!

A Tornado hit a small village in Cornwall yesterday, which caused damage to houses in Illogan, Redruth – Cornwall.

A few hours later, after hearing the news, James Tidy of Fore Street Pool, who lives a mile away from the incident, made a house insurance claim – saying his garden was hit by the Tornado.

Police became suspicious when they saw that the garden was in fact just a complete mess.They said it was “just full of crap” with objects strewn about the place. Some items included; old tube televisions , video recorders, push bike frames, shitty nappies and pissy mattresses!!

Steve Smith – neighbour of James said “the police knocked on my door and asked if we had any damage from the tornado last night? So I took them into my back garden and it was perfectly fine! They asked if I had witnessed the tornado ripping through James back garden. I burst out laughing and said “what, that messy bastard? He’s trying to pull a fast one! His garden has been a shit pit since he moved in! Tornado’s don’t grow brambles and weeds like that and if you think that’s bad – you should see his misses.”

James was later arrested and released on bail. The Police believe James was hoping to claim the insurance, so someone would clean up his garden.

James was unavailable for comment and sadly his misses was too scary to be approached…

Nightclub closed after “Brown Noise” song gives five hundred people explosive Diarrhoea.

The DJ shouted "who want's to hear a banging song?"

The DJ shouted “who want’s to hear a banging song?”

A Nightclub in Camborne was closed last Saturday evening when a song gave five hundred listeners – explosive Diarrhoea.

Resident DJ Jimmy Jimmy Disco real name Nigel Brown of the “Dinlo’s” Nightclub Camborne said “I usually make really cool remixes on my computer. This week I was at home looking online when I came across an article about a phenomenon called “Brown Noise.” It said, if you play a bass noise at a certain frequency the vibration of the sound will disturb the listeners stomach and cause them to empty their bowels. So as a precaution, I took my laptop into the bathroom and sat on the toilet whilst making the song! Nothing really happened at home, although I did fart a couple times when I turned the volume up.

I took the song to Dinlo’s that evening. The club was full and everyone was dancing. I stopped the music and shouted to the crowd “who wants to hear a banging song?” the whole crowd cheered and everyone seemed really excited. I decided to count down from ten. The whole crowd joined in. We got to one. I pressed play and all I heard was the sound of five hundred people groaning at the same time. They all looked at each other with a really embarrassed look on their faces. I didn’t know what to do so I kept playing the song to see what would happen next. Then the club manager came running out the toilet waving his arms – shouting “TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!” By that time it was too late and everyone had pooped themselves. It was the worst moment of my life!”

A regular club goer who didn’t want to be named, said “I can’t believe what happened. It was gross. One minute everyone was dancing, the next minute everyone was groaning. I rushed to the toilet and it looked like a crime scene in there! Completely disgusting, there was even a hand print on the wall! I’m never going there again.

Brown Noise was discovered during the second World War, when scientist tried to make weapons with sounds. The chances of creating it are very rare and the noise is at such a low frequency it cannot be heard by the human ear. The sound wave vibrates around twenty times per second, penetrating the stomach – causing the listener to mess themselves.

Camborne man struck by lightning after using Selfie Stick on Carn Brea.

A Camborne man was hospitalised on New Years Day when his Selfie Stick was struck by lightning!

Malcolm Rosevear of Pengegon was on Carn Brea taking photos when the incident happened.

A passer by said “I was walking my dog when I saw matey standing on a rock with his phone on a stick! I realised it was one of those bleddy Selfie Sticks I saw on the Tele. I thought to myself “What a silly twat stood there with his phone on a stick, he’s gonna have someone’s eye out with that.” then all of a sudden there was a flash and a bolt lightning hit the stick. The lightning went down his arm and I saw a spark fly out his ass! It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. I reckon there was a lot of built up gas from all the food he’d eaten over Christmas and the lightning set him off like a rocket!”

Malcolm was using a Selfie Stick on Carn Brea.

Malcolm was using a Selfie Stick on Carn Brea.

Edward Truscot who owns a local market stall called – E.T. Sells Phones said “Selfie Sticks are the latest must have gadget of 2015. It consists of a telescopic pole that the user attaches to their phone, allowing them to take a photo using a small remote control. This allows them to get more into the shot! One safety issue that hasn’t been addressed is that holding a long metal pole in an open space is an accident waiting to happen and it is no surprise Malcolm Popped off like that! Let’s just be thankful the silly bugger wasn’t at a petrol station when the lightning struck!”

A doctor at Treliske Hospital in Truro said “Malcolm is completely recovered. His only concern at the moment is getting his phone back so he can post the photo on Facebook.”