UFO spotted in Redruth.

Picture taken by Cilla Manilla, Radnor.

Picture taken by Cilla Manilla, Radnor.

A UFO was spotted in Radnor near Redruth today. Many witnesses saw the white object and thought it may have landed in fields behind the Wheal Peevor Mine site.

Eye Witness Cilla Manilla from Radnor, took the photo on her phone said “I was out doing horses. Jane and Phil from down the road we’re walking in their field opposite. Then they came running into my yard shouting “Did you see that?! Did you see that?!” They then ran back down the road to see if it had landed. When they got to the field, there was just a lot of smoke.”

UFO sightings have been on the rise recently. Only two weeks ago, another UFO was spotted in Camborne. Experts believe they are visiting the area after spotting the road sign near Mc. Donald’s that said “Pool Is The Future.” UFO enthusiast Edward Truscott said “I think the UFO is a space ship and they are curious, just like everyone else in Cornwall. They want to find out what “Pool Is The Future” really means, because at the moment, the future has just been traffic jams and road works!”

Russian Bombers were frightened off after hearing Laurence Reed on the radio.

Russian Bomber

Russian Bomber

Two Russian Bombers who were spotted off the coast of Cornwall this week were said to been scared off after hearing Laurence Reed on the Radio.

Russian translator who intercepted the Russian planes said “I was listening into the planes and they were talking to their control room. All of a sudden I heard them switching the radio over, in the background, I could hear Laurence Reed in the Afternoon. Laurence was shouting “I’m just fed up with the state of parking in Redruth, something has to be done!” Then one of the Russian pilots, sounding really scared, said “what the hell was that?” the other pilot replied “I think it’s the Cornish leader, he sounds very angry.” The pilot then sent a message to his control room, he said “We have just heard a message from the Cornish leader and he is extremely angry! We are heading back to safety!” The planes were escorted away from the Duchy. It is unclear what the Russian Bombers wanted and it is very unusual to get visitors this time of year, although everyone is welcome into Cornwall . We hope they realise that the message heard on the radio was just the well known radio talk show host Laurence Reed!

A man has been given the first ever Facebook Brain Implant.

Comes with free surgeon equipment to perform the operation at home.

Comes with free surgeon equipment to perform the operation at home.

The whole world was celebrating today after a man from the U.K. was given a Facebook Brain Implant, known as the F.B.I.

A small chip with WiFi connection was inserted into the man’s brain. Mark Stevens, who volunteered for the operation said “I was a bit worried about it, they said I might die! I only took on the experiment as I’ve been unemployed for two years and the social told me to get a job, or I’ll lose my money! The operation didn’t take long, but I forgot my bleddy login details didn’t I. We got it running after a while and it’s amazing. I will never have to look at my phone or computer again. I can see the timeline in my right eye! Every time I get a notification I get a nice feeling all through my body! The only problem is, everyone keeps sending me game requests, it’s driving me insane!”

It is thought that the new implants will be very popular when they are released! David, head of the F.B.I. team said “The new implant will give people the ability to actually live in the digital world! They could even spend the rest of their lives locked in a room and still feel like they are socialising! What’s more, the implant comes with a camera that takes photos from your eyes, so if you want to take a selfie, all you have to do, is look in the mirror!

The F.B.I. will be on sale by the summer. It will come with a surgeon kit to perform the operation at home, for free.

Building company claims they now own a house because they were hired to build it.

The builders said because they owned the house, because they built it.

The builders said because they owned the house, because they built it.

A family was left homeless this week after a builder changed the locks to their home. J.J. Builders were hired to finish off the family home after the owner, who was a semi professional builder, hired the company to finish off the work.

House owner Shane Balls of Camborne said “I built our family home myself, but I hired J.J. Builders to finish it off, as I thought they would do a better job than me! I gave them all the materials to finish off the house. They were the most expensive quote, which I thought would give me the best work. Sadly, I was wrong! When it was finished, I wasn’t happy at all, so I asked them for a refund. They refunded me the money, then changed the locks to the house. When I went round to the house, J.J. Builders had given the house away for free to the next door neighbours!”

Shane later contacted the company who made a statement, they said “Shane Balls did not like the work on the house and because J.J. Builders worked on the house and refunded the money they now own it and can do whatever they like!”

Shane is now seeking legal advice to retrieve his home back!

Dangerous “Cut and Shut” Pasties containing carrots are being sold in Camborne.

A Cut and Shut Pasty

A Cut and Shut Pasty

The Pasty Police have been hunting down a black market Pasty seller in Camborne who has been selling “Cut and Shut” Pasties.

It is believed the organised criminal gang are operating from a mobile Pasty van in the area, called “The Pasty Wagon.”

Head of the Pasty Police said “We had a member of the public report some dodgey goings on in the Pengeggon area last week. Someone bought a Pasty for £3 thinking it was a beautiful Cornish Oven Flaky, only to get half way down and bite into a cold petrol station Pasty that was made with minced meat and then they choked on some carrot. We think the perpetrators are buying the best pasties and the worst, then glueing them together and leaving the nice half sticking out the bag to deceive customers. This is against the law!”

We managed to get a short interview with the victim who is recovering in hospital, they said “I thought something was up, when the man served me from the pasty wagon, he seemed really shifty. I bought the pasty, bit into it and thought “Bleddy ‘ansome” but when I got half way down, I started choking, it was all cold and beastly. I spat it out on the floor! F@#KING CARROT! I thought I was going to die there and then, I called the emergency services and they were so concerned, they sent the army in an Apache helicopter to rush me to Treliske Hospital!”

The Pasty Police concluded “Due to the recent legislation about Cornish Pasties, it seems there are now a lot of Pasties being sold on the Black Market! Please watch out, as we all know Cornish people are highly allergic to carrots and it’s only a matter of time before some poor bugger dies from one! If you spot any suspicious behavior call the Pasty Police immediately.”

Is the Policeman spotted dancing at an Illegal rave from the Isles of Scilly Police?

A video has emerged showing a Policeman at an illegal rave dancing to the Kaiser Chiefs – I Predict A Riot. 

Could this be the Isles of Scilly Police?

Could this be the Isles of Scilly Police?

A source who does not want to be named, believes the Officer is a member of the Isles of Scilly Police Department. The source said “I think it’s the Isles of Scilly Police, this is the sort of thing they would do!”

The Isles of Scilly Police recently shot to fame when they appealed for help solving a shed break in on the island, where the culprit left a fried egg at the scene. The appeal went viral and appeared on various internet sites, including the ITV News web site. 13,000 Facebook followers also tried to solve the crime, but most of them just left egg jokes in the comments box.

It’s not confirmed whether the tape is genuine, although with over 2000 people living on the islands it’s possible they could hold a Rave if they wanted to.

When the Cornish News contacted the department and asked if they were responsible for the Raving Officer, they replied “No comment!”

Could eating 13 Large Steak Pasties a day be the cure to obesity?

Steve Heller with a Large Steak....

Steve Heller with a Large Steak….

The old saying goes – An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But what if we changed the apple for pasty?

For years people have been told to watch their fat intake and with so many low fat foods, it remained a mystery as to why obesity is worse than ever!

Recent new guidelines suggest that too much sugar is more of a hazard to our bodies than fat!

The recommended daily allowance of sugar in the UK is 70 grams for men. A large Cornish Pasty contains just five grams of sugar, so in theory we could eat 14 Large Steak Pasties a day, which would equal our daily recommended intake of sugar!

So, going by the government guidelines, that fat isn’t bad for you, we could lose weight by cutting our sugar intake by 5 grams a day.

That would be 13 Large Steak Pasties a day!

Bleddy Ansome!