Redruth Garage closed after two fat men had a fight over a Snickers Bar.

The fat man put a Snickers in his pocket and said "i've got a gun"

The fat man put a Snickers in his pocket and said “i’ve got a gun”

A garage in Redruth was cordoned off yesterday and after two men had a fight over a snickers bar.

Dom, who works at the garage said “There’s a couple of regular customers, known as – Fat Tony and Jimmy Two Shanks Mc Call. They both entered the shop and I just knew there was going to be trouble! I looked down at the front of the counter and there was only one Snickers bar left. They both picked up the bar and were tugging at each end, then started making weird grunting noises! After about ten seconds they were both out of breath and Fat Tony shouted “It’s mine, I saw it first” Jimmy Two Shanks then looked behind Fat Tony and said “What’s that” of course this was a trick and when Fat Tony turned round, Jimmy yanked the Chocolate bar out his hand. Fat Tony got really angry and shouted “you bastard!” but then Jimmy put the Snickers in his pocket and shouted “I’ve got a gun!”

Dom and Fat Tony were so shaken by the incident, they were confused as to whether he actually had a gun?

Dom continued “Me and Tony put our hands in the air and backed up behind the counter? I thought “I’m sure that’s just the Snickers in his pocket” But I didn’t want to take any chances. Jimmy Two Shanks Mc Call then put a pound on the counter and said “Keep the change, ” and ran out the shop!”

Jimmy was later found at his home watching Eatenders whilst eating a Family Bucket. No further action was taken…

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Aliens spotted running AWAY from Camborne Town Centre.

Aliens were scared of teenage girl who was like mutton dressed as pig.

Aliens were scared of teenage girl who was like mutton dressed as pig.

UFO experts were in Camborne Town yesterday investigating claims that Aliens were seen running away from the town.

The incident happened during the town’s busiest period – about 1pm on Saturday afternoon.

Joe Seymore saw the Aliens heading towards the town. He said “I noticed a group of four people walking down the street and didn’t think much of it. When I got closer, I noticed they had funny shaped heads. I still didn’t think nothing of it. Then when I got right next to them, I noticed one of them had a gun, a bit like one of those super soaker water pistols. I looked really close at them; they had big bulbos heads, grey skin and big oval eyes. At first I thought; “I wish they bleddy teenagers would stop smoking weed!” I listened in and they were speaking really weird. It was like talking, but it sounded like the old internet noise; screeching and distorting noises! I looked up in the sky and saw a spaceship – like you see on TV! I thought; “there is no way these teenage pot heads could afford a spaceship like that!” That’s when I realized they were Aliens from another planet and I think they were up to no good because they had a gun!”

Joe hid in the graveyard opposite the Cornish Cooker Pasty Shop. He then called the police on their non urgent number 101. He said “I called 101, as I didn’t want to cause a fuss. I sat behind a big tree in the graveyard, then I heard the aliens talking, but it sounded like they were panicking. They were running really fast. They got to the car park in the Pasty Shop and the spaceship picked them up!”

Owner of Jowes Pasty shop in the town square said “I was in the shop when all of a sudden I heard this noise, I looked out the door and there was Aliens in the square, four of the buggers. I thought, chroist, this town’s getting worse. Everyone was looking at them. Then this teenage girl, wearing black leggings and painted on eyebrows tried taking a selfie with them. She was hangin’ though, like mutton dressed as pig! They took one look at her, then all looked at each other, turned round and ran away, gone – quicker than your grans giro! One thing’s for sure though – we won’t be seeing they silly buggers again. “PAHHH!” You should of seen them, they thought they were some boy’s mind. Even if they did think they could take over the town, they would have to get past the Taxi Twins first! Alien twats!”

UFO expert David Davids from Penryn said “It’s unusual for anything to happen in Camborne and we think they may have searched on the internet and noticed some of the locals and thought they were also aliens. Sadly it’s given earth a bad name and we doubt any life beyond earth will dare contact us ever again!”

If you have ever seen a UFO or have pictures then please send them to Cornish News.

Cornwall to build the first ever “sea level lowering pipe” to cure global warming.

Water will pump into outer space...

Water will pump into outer space…

Cornwall to build the first ever “sea level lowering pipe” to cure global warming.

A pipe will be fitted in at the Hayle estuary and will poke out into space. Water will be pumped from the sea into space – lowering the rising sea levels. Once the pipe is finished, the amount of water pumped out to space will be controlled by a mobile phone app on the controllers phone. It is thought rising sea-levels will be cured within the next six months and global warming will be enjoyed rather than feared.

Marine Biologist Robert Rowe from Pengeggon in Camborne came up with the idea one night whilst out drinking with his friends. He said “I was out drinking cider with a straw one night I looked at the cider leaving the bottle from the straw and the cider level getting lower in the bottler. I had a sudden thought. If we pumped water into space with a pipe, it would lower the sea level!”

Robert contacted the government who approved the work right away. Chancellor George Wasborn granted Robert ten thousand pounds in B&Q vouchers to buy the pipe and pump. He said “Why didn’t anyone think of this before? When it comes to global warming and the rising sea levels, so many things have been done; energy saving light bulbs, renewable energy, electric cars and to be honest we’ve just been pissing in the wind! All we need to do now is pump water into space and we’ll lower sea levels. We’ll still have global warming, so Cornwall will be lovely and warm.”

The pipe should be finished in the next couple of weeks and there will be Keyrings, postcards and hats for sale featuring the pipe with the projects caption “love global warming”.

Police find a “Pasty Bomb” in Hayle.

A Pasty Bomb made by the Pasty Cartel.

A Pasty Bomb made by the Pasty Cartel.

Foundry Square, Hayle was closed off yesterday when a bomb was found inside a pasty.

Leonard Leonardson, a pensioner found the explosive device after buying a medium steak pasty from his favourite shop – Corner to Corner.

He said “I went down Corner to Corner and got a medium steak. As usual, I sat down on a bench opposite the estuary to eat my dinner. When I took the pasty out the bag, I thought, what’s on here then? I could hear the pasty ticking! When I bit into it, my teeth rattled off something hard! I pulled back the pastry and there was a countdown timer and melted wires, it was like something from TV. I thought, whoever planted the bomb wasn’t very smart because when they baked it – all the wires melted!”

Leonard decided to take the pasty back to the shop.

He said…

“I didn’t know what to do, I was so hungry. So I took the bugger back to the shop and told Dicky in the shop I wanted a large steak for compensation, as I almost chipped my tooth! When Dicky behind the counter looked inside the pasty, he shouted “SHIT THE BED!” and ran out the door and hid behind a car! I couldn’t believe it! I had to go behind the counter and get my own bleddy pasty! I don’t know about bomb, but I know one thing – customer service in Hayle has gone down hill lately, it’s nothing like it use to be!”

The bomb brigade was quickly called and the street was blocked off.

Owner of the Corner to Corner Pasty Shop in Foundry Square, Hayle said “Someone must have snuck in here and planted the bomb. It’s terrible, but the pasty trade is a cut throat business. It must have been the Pasty Cartel – they will do anything to take business away from you. I heard a terrible story about what they do with carrots, too terrible to repeat. It won’t stop me though, blow me up I don’t care, it’s like I’ve always said “As long as I got fingers I’ll never stop crimping pasties!”

Dereck Johns of the Bomb Brigade – an amateur bomb disposal club from Camborne said  “Luckily the bomb was melted and posed no danger to the public. We’ve seen this sort of thing before and we recommend that after you buy your pasty, just have a quick listen. If you hear ticking, then give us a call. But whatever you do, don’t throw the pasty anywhere and run, because you can guarantee the seagulls will be fighting over it!”