Camborne to become Cornwall’s number one tourist destination!

Camborne Town

Camborne Town

Cornish tourist experts believe Camborne will be the hottest holiday destination this summer – when new hotels will be built in the town! Keith Curnow – head of the Tourist Committee, said “The town has a lot of potential and we really think it’s going to kick off in Camborne this summer! Holiday makers have been to Newquay, St. Ives and Falmouth but nobody has explored Camborne! Now it’s got a couple of Hotels and even a Costa – Camborne will be where it’s at this year!”

The town saw it’s first influx of visitors today, as they arrived for the Easter weekend. Mr. Smith from Up-Country said “Our neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Jones are off to St. Ives this summer! Ha!! We told them we were going to St. Ives. If we said we were heading to Camborne, they would have gone to Redruth or something to get one up on us! We’re really ahead of our game here! Camborne is a virgin to us tourists! We didn’t even know it existed until last year when we accidently took the wrong turning off the A30. We’ve visited all the main attractions in the town and yesterday had a nice pint in a pub called the Clipper! It was lovely! We were told by a lovely man who was decorated with tattoos from head to toe that there is a boutique in the town that sold jackets with prints of different types of animals, like wolves and cats. We can’t wait for that!”

Not everyone is happy about Cambornes new found fame! One local, who didn’t want to be named, made a comment to the Cornish News. Unfortunately, he spoke so fast and with such a deep Cornish accent, all we could understand him saying was “fu**ing” in-between every other word. We do believe he was extremely angry though, as he said the whole statement in one five minute long sentence and by the end he was bright red with a vein popping out his head!

It is believed if the town see’s a growth in visitors, they will be using the extra income to hire Jeremy Clarkson to turn on this years Christmas lights!

New findings show Men-An-Tol stone was used to turn people into Cornish.

Elvis lookalike Anthony Dunstan was from the USA but is now Cornish.

Elvis lookalike Anthony Dunstan was from the USA but is now Cornish.

An ancient scroll has been found at the Hayle Car boot sale. The Scroll, which is written in the Cornish and English say’s “Anyone who settles on the land of Cornwall may become Cornish if they pass through the stone ten times.”

Anthony Dunstan, originally from Tennessee moved to Cornwall in the nineties. He found the scroll when he moved into his new house. He visited Men-An-Tol where he followed the instructions and is now 100% Cornish!

Anthony, who is an Elvis lookalike said “I had just moved to Cornwall from the states, back in 1990. I was moving into my new house in Penzance when I found the scroll! I thought I would give it a try! I must say, after going through the stone, I did feel Cornish. I got a bit of the accent and when I first walked into a pub, a fellow Cornishman actually bought me a drink! It was crazy!”

After Anthony “Became Cornish” back in the 90’s, he then hid the scroll back in the wall and moved to Redruth.

The scroll was found last week in Hayle Car Boot Sale, where a man in a grubby old brown leather jacket, smoking a rollup, sold it to a local historian who then contacted the Cornish News!

The historian believes it’s a legitimate artifact, he said “It’s quite simple, if you are not Cornish and you would like to be Cornish, you just go through the stone ten times. Then, you will automatically become Cornish! Beware though, if you’ve been eating all the pasties you may want to diet first. The last thing you want is to get stuck in a small granite ring in the middle of a field!”

You can follow Anthony here

Zone Nightclub turns toilet condom machine into a pasty dispenser.

Pasties sold out on the first night.

Pasties sold out on the first night.

A Redruth Nightclub has turned their condom machine into a Pasty dispenser.

Nightclub manager Dave came up with the clever idea after having a pasty for dinner at the club. He said “I got the idea whilst I was taking a pee and eating my large steak! I thought, we could take out the condoms and have pasties in there! The thing is, since the club opened in the early nineties we’ve never sold a single condom from that machine! I don’t think people in Redruth use them! Everyone loves pasties though, that’s for sure!”

Later that day Dave filled the machine with pasties. He said “I was a bit worried about hygiene. I could imagine someone moaning about it, they’re a bunch of killjoys sometimes. The first night we bleddy sold out, I couldn’t believe it! We did have a problem though. There was gravy dripping out the bottom of the machine, so I got a little drip tray on the floor to catch the juice. We give the juice away for free though, bleddy hell – i’m not tight or anything!”

Zone Club which is situated behind Redruth Tescos and open Thursdays, Friday and Saturday will be selling the pasties from both the male and female toilets and they are hoping to add sausage rolls and quiches within the next few weeks!

A Tree in Camborne catches an S.T.D.

The tree with a nasty rash.

The tree with a nasty rash.

Residents in Camborne complained this week after their favourite tree was cut down.

The tree, situated near the Rugby Ground is thought to have mysteriously caught Syphilis. Tree surgeons were completely baffled as to how it caught the infection – usually passed on by humans.

Tree Surgeon Paul Markus said “We had a call from a  member of the public who said a tree in the park had a funny rash! We took a sample of the bark and sent it off to the lab, it came back positive for Syphilis! When we returned to the park, we were confronted by a man who said “I love this tree, please don’t hurt it!” to which I replied “Yes mate, I think loving the tree is why it’s got a rash!”

After several requests not to be destroyed, the Council decided to save the tree. It will now be used as the slippery pole on the next Harbour Fun Day!

It’s official – Cornwall is the supermarket capital of the World!

After recent plans were passed for more supermarkets in Cornwall. The Duchy now has more supermarkets per square mile than anywhere else in the world!

The Council seems to be very proud of this achievement. Robin Blind, head of the “supermarkets everywhere, like seagulls.” committee doesn’t want to stop there! He said “With all these bleddy emmets moving down from up Country, we need as many supermarkets as possible! People may think it’s a bit excessive to have more supermarkets than anywhere in the world, but the reality is, we need them! Remember the old song that goes “Cornish Men are Fishermen and Cornish Men are Miners too.” The song ends with “When all the fish and tin have gone, what’s a Cornish boy to do? Well, we’ve answered that problem ain’t we! Cornish Men can stack Bananas now, or sit on a Checkout, or mooch round a car park pushing trolleys about! Everyone seems to be moaning about all these supermarkets, but let’s be honest, would a Cornishman prefer to be out on a boat in the pissing down with rain? Or stuck down a mine? Or, would they prefer to be sat at a checkout, nice and warm, earning more money? I know what I’d choose!”

It is thought that Cornwall will soon have enough supermarkets, that every house will have their own private store, with free parking and a filling station.

Britains biggest Used Cars Salesman Nigel Farage visited Cornwall yesterday.

Nigel - Can anyone name what's behind me in this picture? Reply "The sea?"

Nigel – Can anyone name what’s behind me in this picture? Reply “The sea?”

Britains most controversial used car salesman Nigel Farage visited Cornwall yesterday. It is thought he visited various garages in the west of Cornwall to give tips on how to sell second hand motors!

He was first spotted by Cornish News fan, Aphra Perring in the afternoon saying he was in the Rumons Club in Redruth. We think he was probably having a few beers before he headed off to M.Y. Motors at the top of town, to talk about their amazing car rental service. He was later spotted at various lay-by’s in Camborne and Redruth, where cars are often put up for sale by the public, including Avers roundabout and that house up on Redruth Highway that’s always got cars for sale in their driveway! At one point he was seen kicking the tire of a mark two Fiesta up by Smokey Joes, before finally finishing off at the best car garage in the area – Dolcoath Motors.

Before heading off back home – up Country, he took a picture of himself in front of St. Michaels Mount and asked his followers “Can anyone name what’s behind me in this picture?”

Which with no surprise most people (from up Country) replied “The sea!”

It is thought that Nigels visit to the Duchy was to encourage people to vote for him, so he could be the new presenter on Top Gear! Like all visitors, he received a warm welcome into the Duchy, as almost everyone in Cornwall thinks the current presenter Jeremey Clarkson is a complete bellend and would love to see him sacked!

It is not sure if Nigel will be back, but Cornish News wishes him all the best in becoming a Top Gear presenter.

We hope one day to see him back in Kernow trying out some proper Cornish traditions, like mooching round Hayle Car Boot on a Sunday wearing a banging new Wolf Jacket!

Child sues parents after they posted photos of him on Facebook.

A teenager has taken his parents to court after seeing his own baby photos on Facebook. The teenager, who can’t be named for legal reasons, was furious when he realised his parents had posted over two hundred photos of him online with captions like “Aw, so cute” and “I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful baby!”

The judge awarded the teenager a quarter of a million pounds in compensation payable by the parents. The judge said “Looking at the photos it is clear that you have exploited your own child for Facebook likes! It’s disgraceful that you would do this to your own child! What’s next? Sell your granny?”

It is thought that this is just the beginning of a new generation of teenagers taking their parents to court for the same reasons!

Facebook expert George W. Brush said “When someone likes one of your posts on Facebook, it gives the receiver a rush of dopamine to the brain, similar to how drugs work. After a while people can become dependent on Facebook without realising it! Constatnly posting pictures of your child online for Facebook likes is rather worrying and parents should think of the other dangers that are linked to the internet.” His final words on the matter were “Remember, a baby is for life, not just for likes!”