Richard Tucker said “I slipped and fell on my Pasty!”
A man from Camborne was rushed to hospital this morning, after a sex game with a Pasty went wrong!
Richard Tucker of Pendarves Street, Camborne called the emergency services at 7am, the recorded message said “Help! Help! I think I’ve burnt me cock off, I accidentally slipped and my cock fell into my Pasty! Please help, It’s burning like hell! Help!”
An Ambulance crew was rushed to the scene, the driver said “When we arrived, Mr. Tucker was standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips and a Large Steak Pasty dangling from his pants! It was the strangest thing we’ve ever seen! We didn’t want to remove the Pasty right away, in case it caused any further damage. So we walked him to the Ambulance with the Pasty still attached. Luckily, there were only a few of his neighbours outside, they had come out to take photos for their Facebook!”
The Ambulance crew updated Cornish News, they said “Richard is on the mend! We’ve had to move him from one ward, as a cheeky teenager started calling him Pasty Shagger! But he’s been moved and will hopefully make a full recovery.”
Anarchists have defaced the Conservative Party and Liberal Democrats signs, on the Treswithian Roundabout on the West entrance to Camborne.
It is unsure who caused the damage and it is believed the incident happened around Friday night. Grafitti messages included the words “Liars, Blaggers” and a strange message that looks like “Eat the rich.”
Defaced with “Liars”
Other Party signs have also been damaged in the town. Last week a vote UKIP sign had been damaged.
The word “Blaggers”
Eat the rich
Have any signs been damaged near you? If so, please send the photos and locations to Cornish News via our Facebook page.
A man contacted the Cornish News today claiming he went a whole day without looking on Facebook.
Nigel Penrose of Fore Street, Praze-An-Beeble, Cornwall said “I’ve been training for the last two years! I started out by looking on Bebo every other five minutes! I’ve only got twelve friends on there, so I soon got fed up with that. About a month ago I was only looking at my phone in the morning, before getting out of bed. Then an hour at night on my laptop, just scrolling down the page for no apparent reason. The last month I’ve been tapering off and am back to picking up my phone every five minutes and even sometimes in the middle of the night. Then yesterday, I done it! A whole day, I really didn’t think I could do it!”
Sadly the change in his behaviour was too much for his wife Margret. She had to be taken to Treliske for shock treatment. Speaking from her hospital bed, she said “I got home from work and I asked Nigel how his day was, he answered me right away. I don’t think I was prepared for such a swift response and felt a bit dizzy. I then asked if he was feeling okay? He answered again, instantly and I could see he’d taken both questions in. I thought I was in a dream and the next thing I know, I was in the back of an ambulance, shaking!”
Experts are not convinced Nigel is telling the truth. Professor Melvin Melvinson said “We do not believe this is possible! I can only go half an hour before looking at my profile! I often feel as if I’m going to miss something, then after five minutes I log off, thinking “Why do I do this?” It’s a vicious circle and five minutes later, I forget and I’m back on Facebook again. Someone to go a whole day without Facebook is impossible! I don’t even think the guy from the Matrix could do that!”
It appears he has not suffered any long term damage and was back in full swing today. First, he posted a status about the weather. Followed by a photo of his shitty looking dinner and finally, a photo of a money spider, taken so close up, it looked like a three foot wide Tarantula. This topped off with the classic caption “EEEK!!! Does anyone know if this is a False Widow?”
A reduction label.
An ex supermarket manager has leaked a secret code which gives customers a 90% reduction off any item.
Former Supermarket manager Richard Hole said “The code is used when a customer files a complaint and as compensation they are rewarded with any item at 90% off the retail price. The customer is told to choose any product from the shelves and to inform a member of staff immediately with the code “I am Mrs. Jones.” The staff member will then take the item away and reduce the label down by 90%.”
For legal reasons we cannot tell you which leading supermarkets use the code. The only thing we can say is the main Supermarket has a green logo.
Our very own reporter, Nigel Nigelson went to his local supermarket and tried it out, he said “I picked up a bottle of Whiskey and walked up to a man stacking shelves, I said “I am Mrs. Jones.” I was a bit nervous as I thought it wasn’t going to work. The man paused for a second, then took the Whiskey. About a minute later he returned and the bottle had a reduced to clear label on it that said “Was £15 now £1.50.” I couldn’t believe it!”
The code originated from 1974 when a lady called Mrs. Jones phoned her supermarket with a complaint about some grapes she had bought. The store manager apologised and told her to come to the store and tell the staff who she was. She arrived at the store later that day and receive another pack of grapes at a reduced price. The saying has been used ever since, as knowing “the code” is proof enough that they have been awarded a discount.
It is not the first something like this has been leaked. Last year it was revealed that an elderly lady who was dressed as a customer greeter, was in fact a trained martial arts expert, who was employed to protect the store. She was found out when a group of men entered the store and threatened a security guard. She single handedly kicked all the men unconscious wearing just a pair of flip flops.
Lewis sells second hand adult toys.
A Redruth man has opened a second hand sex shop in the middle of town! Lewis Moon from Redruth opened Gash Convertors just over a month ago after leaving the butcher shop where he worked in Camborne.
The 26 year old said “It’s really hard to get a job these days, especially in Redruth and Camborne! I had a little bit of spare money and thought about opening a shop! I wanted a shop that nobody had ever thought of. So I opened – a second hand sex shop! I know it doesn’t float everyone’s boat, but surprisingly the shop has hit the spot for a lot of people in the town!”
The shop lets you trade in old adult toys for cash and has been so successful – Lewis has set up a little food counter in the corner, selling pasties and sausage rolls!
Lewis said “I can’t believe how successful it’s been and we’ve sold out of most things! We’ve had our ups and downs though! There was a bit of an embarrassing incident on the first day we opened. We sell a lot of E-Cigarettes and about two hours of opening, a customer I’d served earlier in the day came storming back into the shop. He slammed a box down on the counter and shouted “I bought this E-Cigarette from you this morning and I haven’t been able to get it to work!” I picked up the box and said “I’m really sorry sir, there’s been a mistake! That’s not an E-Cigarette – you’ve been trying to smoke a twelve inch Robo Cock! It was very awkward!”
Lewis hopes to expand his new business and eventually trade at Pool Market.
The shop is open Monday to Saturday 10am – 5pm and is situated opposite Iceland, where the fruit and veg shop use to be.
by Steve Heller and Lewis Moon
Amateur miners have struck gold in Camborne at the North Crofty Mine. North Crofty is one of the smallest mines in the area and is owned by April Trevaskis and friend Mark Foolstock. They bought the mine back in 1999 for ten pounds after the original owner thought the mine was empty.
The gold was found at around 6am this morning when April and Mark were on their routine dig, before going to work at a nearby bacon factory in Pool. April said “We normally go to the mine for an hour before work and have never found anything! This morning I was walking along and tripped on, what I thought was a large rock. When I looked round the rock was so shiny and yellow! Jokingly, I said to Mark “That’s gold!” and started laughing! Mark replied “It is gold!” I thought Mark was playing along with the joke! Then we both stood there looking and realised, it was gold!”
The two miners then carried the huge lump of gold and loaded it into their car, Mark said “We didn’t know what to do as I’ve never owned any gold, so we agreed the best place to take it would be Cash Converters in Redruth, as they deal with stuff like that all the time! The guy behind the counter passed out when he saw it! We didn’t sell it to them in the end because they tried to buy the gold off us in exchange for an old DJ Mixer, a Shark Attack Body Board and £50! We knew it was worth more than that. So we took it home and weighed it. At today’s value, it’s worth over a million pounds! It’s crazy!”
April and Mark have said their new fortune will not change them. They continue to work packing bacon, in a fridge, at a local factory for fourteen hours a day, six days a week for minimum wage and both continue to live, sharing a bedsit in Tuckingmill.