Human Race will be extinct, as less people are going out drinking.

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Cornwall’s smartest man, Professor Stephen Tonking, has warned that the decline in drunken socialising, will lead to the extinction of the human race.

In an interview with Pasty FM 103, he said “Over the years we have seen a decline in people visiting bars and clubs to get drunk and socialise. This means people are drinking at home! This is causing a huge problem for the human race, as a lot of people will never find a partner.

Some people are too shy to talk to someone they find attractive and sadly, some people are so unfortunate looking, they could only pull if the other person is completely hammered! If people decide to stay in, they might save money, but in the long term it could lead to disaster. At this rate, the whole human race could be extinct in the next couple of years!”

Dave Bailey, Manager of the Zone Nightclub Redruth agrees, he said “Social media and dating websites are death of people’s social skills, so they don’t know how to pull!”

The government is trying to solve the issue, by setting up drunken speed dating. In the hope people will find a partner!

Professor Stephen Tonking added “In order to solve this crisis, every single person must go to the nearest bar this weekend! They must get extremely drunk! This is a guaranteed way of finding a partner and saving all human beings!

Drinking expert, Stephen Hole, from Redruth, concluded, with a little advice;

“While getting completely smashed, might land you a misses. From my experience, if you are too drunk to remember, or even say a birds name, you won’t get anywhere! So remember; drink responsibly, enjoy yourself and get smashed!”

Camborne man injured with a crook neck after watching Carn Brea fire.

Robin took about 20 photos to post on Facebook.

Robin took about 20 photos to post on Facebook.

A man was signed off work today, after getting a crook neck from watching the Carn Brea fire.

Robin Cash, of Pendarves Street, Camborne went to watch the fire after he saw pictures on Facebook, he said “Everyone was posting photos of the fire on Facebook. But we can’t see Carn Brea from Pendarves Street. So I drove up Pool Market car park and watched the fire from there! I got about 20 photos and started uploading them all to Facebook, but my battery ran out! I wanted to post a joke and all! I was going to say “Carn Brea has been left with a big black mark after the fire. Now it matches the big brown mark – Camborne!” But I couldn’t do it. So I just sat there watching the fire! After about 4 hours, I realised I had to get back home because I had work in the morning. As I looked away from the fire, my neck cracked off. It was so painful. I had to drive home with my head all sideways!”

Robin went to the doctors this morning and the doctor signed him off work. Robin said “That’s it, I can’t work now! I’m buggered! I’ve gone on the sick. If there’s ever a fire again, i’m just gonna stay home, sod that!”

It’s not sure if Robin will make a full recovery, but luckily nobody was injured in the actual fire.

But some people think, Robin isn’t injured at all! Neighbour Patricia Hall said “He’s a lazy sod he is! He ain’t hurt his neck! He talks a good job, but there ain’t an ounce of work in him! Once he told me he does the work of 3 men! Work of 3 men? I speck 2 of them are dead and ones dying!”

Baked Bean company goes bankrupt after the government announces new “Fart Tax”


New “Peoples Gas Tax” will be introduced at Christmas

A baked bean company went bankrupt this morning, after the government announced the new “Peoples Gas Tax”. Immediately after the announcement, shares in baked bean manufacturers crashed, resulting in one company going bust.

It will effect everyone in the U.K. apart from women and the rich, as they don’t fart!

The government will squeeze every last penny out of the UK and hope to clear the deficit within the next two years!

Chancellor George Douche said “Breaking wind is a filthy habit and people must pay the price! Methane only makes a bigger hole in the ozone layer and is the main cause of global warming. If you don’t want to be left with a huge tax bill, I suggest you eat a healthier diet and stay away from them beans!”

Ex bean factory worker, Barry Brown said “I can’t believe it, we were at work this morning and all of a sudden, the boss called us to the office! He said the company had gone bust! The government comes up with these ideas, but they never follow through with a proper plan! Now I’m unemployed and if I accidentally fart, I will have to pay!”

Nutritionist David Andrews said “If you want to fart less, you must avoid various foods and drinks. Cut down on beans, starchy food, carbonated drinks and try not to swallow lots of air when you eat!”

The tax will be coming into force this Christmas. A time when everyone overindulges and ends up with terrible wind!

Will you be effected by the new tax? If so, please let us know at the Cornish News Facebook Page.

Surgeons left pasty inside man’s body.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Surgeons in Cornwall had to perform an emergency operation today, to remove a pasty left behind in a patient’s body.

The incident happened at the Kernow Hospital, in Praze an Beeble, during a minor surgical procedure.

Mark Smith, 35 from Falmouth, was left ‘feeling funny’ after his operation 1 month ago. He said “It was so strange, after the operation I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I went home and felt so uncomfortable. I was also getting ‘Pasty sweats’. The strange thing was, I hadn’t eaten a pasty. I also had heartburn and pasty burps! I thought I was possessed or something!”

A month later the pasty was spotted during a routine checkup back at the hospital. Dr. Stephen Tonkin said “This is very embarrassing for us! We think one of the staff bought a pasty for dinner and didn’t get a chance to eat it! They must have taken it into the operating theatre by mistake. We won’t be investigating this matter, as losing your pasty is punishment enough!”

Mark has made a full recovery and is said to be feeling much better!

This isn’t the first time a food item has been found inside a person. Last month, a man from Camborne was sent to casualty after he got a sausage roll stuck up his bum.

By Alex Lee, Steve Heller

West End Bakery – Pasty Review Redruth

8/10 a nice well seasoned pasty

8/10 a nice well seasoned pasty

After posting a video about my Pasty experience at West End Bakery, I thought I would write a follow up about the video and the pasty!

If you watched the film, I hope you watched it to the end. At the end, I leave a little write up of the experience… If you missed it, here it is…

West End Bakery Redruth. Large Steak.

Although I moaned and whinged throughout this video, it was overall, an above average pasty!
£2.80 for a large steak, the seasoning was perfect, the meat wasn’t too bad, distributed evenly throughout and not in that gert lump you sometimes get!

The staff were very friendly.

The only issue I had was the pastry. I’m a fan of flaky, but if you are into a thin shortcrust, then this is the pasty for you! Would I buy it again? Bleddy right I would!

8 out of 10.

The film was more of a dig at my friend Sean! Every time I mention pasty, Sean mentions West End Bakery. Like I said in the film, I have never been a fan of West End and the last time I tried one, was about 10 years ago!

They’ve definitely improved and after a day of reflection, I remember the old West End Pasty, use to have diced veg, which has now been replaced with flaked veg! They have also improved on seasoning, and possibly the best “innards” I have tasted!

Sadly, the pastry is not to my taste, but that is only my opinion. Sean loves the West End pasty and when I bought the pasty, the baker was really busy, bagging up loads of pasties, so that speaks for itself!

For me, if they changed their pastry, it could possibly be the best pasty ever. But then perhaps, it wouldn’t be the best for other people! Each to their own, as they say!

Man changes name to Susan so his “Ex girlfriend” tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

A man from Redruth has changed his name to Susan, so his old tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Susan Smith, originally called Derek from Green Lane, said “I was 16 when I met Susan. We only went out for a month, but I thought she was the one. I got her name tattooed on my arm, but when she saw it, she left me.”

Derek AKA Susan, has been single ever since and was so fed up of people asking about his tattoo, he changed his name by Deed Poll to Susan. He said “Every time someone asked me about my Susan tattoo, it drove me crazy! Telling everyone the same story for the last 20 years hasn’t been fun! I have heard you can get them removed, with a laser or something, but that is all the way up Plymouth! I don’t like to leave Redruth if I can help it. One day I was thinking, what could I do to stop people asking about my bleddy tattoo? Then suddenly, it dawned on me! I went online and changed my name to Susan Smith. Now, when people ask me ‘Who’s Susan?’ I just say ‘Me!’ ”

Susans name change has been welcomed by friends, he said “All my family and friends call me the boy name sue, like in the Johnny Cash song! I’m even thinking about becoming a Johnny Cash tribute act and doing a live show down the Rumons Club!”

Susan hopes he will find a new girlfriend, he finally said “I’m looking for a new partner and if I find one called Susan, who knows, maybe I’ll change my name back to Derek!”

Is 15 year old Harley the tallest Cornishman?

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

Cornish News was contacted this week by Donna from Penzance. She told us about her 15 year old son Harley. Harley is not your average teenager, he stands at 6ft5 and is possibly the tallest Cornishman.

Mum Donna claims his size is all down to being brought up on pasties from an early age, she said “Start em young! 1 yr old and fed on Pasties! He’s a Pastyfarian at heart and has been eating them since he was a baby! Pasties make a louster of a boy! Ansome! Fed on they pasties!”

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Cornish people are known for being short. A famous Cornish comedian, who stands at 6ft3, was once told he couldn’t be Cornish, because he was too tall! There are also a lot of old houses in Cornwall, with low entrances. They can be seen all over the Duchy, including the main street of St. Ives.

Cornish News editor Steve Heller, who stands at a whopping 5ft5, is one of the taller members of his family. He didn’t quite believe Harleys story! Replying to Donnas comment on Facebook, he said “Cornish? Too tall to be Cornish, surely?” Which met a quick reply from Harleys friend, who said “Deffo, still growing. He’s still at school and as Cornish as they come!” His mum also replied “Never too tall to be Cornish! Proper bloodline, over 3 generations on both sides and fed on they pasties, they make em as wide, as they do high!”

Cornish News always believed that the Kernow King was the tallest Cornishman, but after contacting him, on his Australian tour, he confirmed he is 6ft3.

Could Harley be the tallest Cornishman?

If you know a proper Cornish man or woman who is taller, we would love to hear from you! Just contact Steve Heller on the Cornish News Facebook page.

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4