Cornwall’s smartest man, Professor Stephen Tonking, has warned that the decline in drunken socialising, will lead to the extinction of the human race.
In an interview with Pasty FM 103, he said “Over the years we have seen a decline in people visiting bars and clubs to get drunk and socialise. This means people are drinking at home! This is causing a huge problem for the human race, as a lot of people will never find a partner.
Some people are too shy to talk to someone they find attractive and sadly, some people are so unfortunate looking, they could only pull if the other person is completely hammered! If people decide to stay in, they might save money, but in the long term it could lead to disaster. At this rate, the whole human race could be extinct in the next couple of years!”
Dave Bailey, Manager of the Zone Nightclub Redruth agrees, he said “Social media and dating websites are death of people’s social skills, so they don’t know how to pull!”
The government is trying to solve the issue, by setting up drunken speed dating. In the hope people will find a partner!
Professor Stephen Tonking added “In order to solve this crisis, every single person must go to the nearest bar this weekend! They must get extremely drunk! This is a guaranteed way of finding a partner and saving all human beings!
Drinking expert, Stephen Hole, from Redruth, concluded, with a little advice;
“While getting completely smashed, might land you a misses. From my experience, if you are too drunk to remember, or even say a birds name, you won’t get anywhere! So remember; drink responsibly, enjoy yourself and get smashed!”