Giant dung beetle can grow up to six feet high
Giant dung beetles are heading to Cornwall this summer, after they have mistaken peoples bullshitting for real bullshit!
It is believed the insects have been attracted to the Duchy, where there has been a lot of rumours circulating the area! These include; shops closing – to be replaced by bus stations, weekend markets closing, a Cornish celebrity NOT being Cornish.
Dung beetle expert Dave Man said “There seems to be a lot of bullshit going around lately and it’s attracted the beetles! It all started just over ten years ago when someone said a market near Camborne was closing! It’s been ten years now and it’s still there! It’s obvious that there is a certain type of person who has nothing else better to do than spread crap! Well, sadly that’s about to backfire, as the giant dung beetles will track them down!”
It is not confirmed, but the Cornish News was told by a mate that the beetles came from Devon and can grow up to six feet high!
Dave added “The best thing you can do is not feed them any bullshit. That way they’ll just leave you alone! As for the people that have already been spreading the crap! Sadly, you are screwed!”
A Cornish holiday study has revealed that most holiday makers only move to Cornwall to avoid being called an Emmet.
Hugh Montgomery, originally from London moved to Cornwall two years ago, after a shop keeper called him an Emmet, he said “I was at Portreath Beach doing a spot of Body Surfing and I thought I would have a browse in the beach boutique. I asked the shop assistant if he could point me in the direction of the dry cleaners, as I needed to wash my tweed swim shorts. I don’t know what I had done wrong, but the man replied “You are not from here are ‘e mate? You’re a bleddy Emmet!”
Hugh was so angry, he sought revenge. Two weeks later he returned to the shop and waited for the shop assistant, he said “I returned to the shop and waited! When the assistant saw me, he started smiling and said ‘How’s them tweed pants getting on? You’re that Emmet aren’t ‘e?’ He then started laughing at me! I replied ‘You cannot call me that any longer because I have moved into the house next door to you!”
Sadly, the shopkeeper collapsed after speaking to Hugh and died instantly, but on a positive note, Hugh bought the shop for cheap and has turned it into a block of flats for his millionaire friends to buy as second homes!
The study revealed that 95% of the non Cornish population have moved to Cornwall after similar incidents!
Mark Clemo from Park Bottom, Illogan said “I’ve always said that it’s our own fault that people have moved down from up country! Nobody listened! Emmet this and bleddy Emmet that! Now they’ve all moved down so nobody can call them Emmet! If we just let them come and go as they pleased, treated them the same as the locals and not overcharged them for crap, they’d probably just be happy coming down here for a holiday! Now look at it! They’re everywhere! Overrunning the place! It’s so bad we’ve even got a bleddy Dominoes Pizza in Pool now! Chroist, ten years ago the only Dominoes you’d get down here was a game at the Trevenson Club on a Sunday afternoon!”
Although some people may find the term Emmet very offensive. The word is middle English for red ant. For many years it has been used to describe tourists in Cornwall. As in the summer the beaches and towns are filled with people who mill about, sun burnt like red ants.