The Deadly Wasp-gull is heading to Cornwall from Devon.

Wasp-gull native to South Devon

Wasp-gull native to South Devon

The dangerous bird that can grow up to fifteen feet long, is expected to arrive in the Duchy next week.

Bird expert, Trevor Bunt ,from Camborne said “Bleddy hell! These creatures are a cross between a wasp and a seagull! They are native to South-Devon, but will be over here next week! Don’t go near them, one sting could kill you instantly and all your family, even though they are with you at the time! They’re also a seagull, so you have to be extra careful, as they’ll kill you, then nick your pasty!”

It’s not sure how many of the birds are heading over, but the council have urged people to not eat outdoors. Robin Small’s, from Duchy Council said “We’re currently dumping lorry loads of pasties, chips and sugar over the border in Devon! That’ll teach the buggers! We hope it will teach the Wasp-gulls too!”

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A picture of a man holding a massive wasp was posted on Facebook last year! People were a little baffled as how someone could hold a six inch wasp that melts human skin on contact, but came to the conclusion that it must have been real, because it was seen on the internet!

Steve Heller – Cornish News

Advertisements

From Pasty Roulette to pissing on your foot. Hellers guide to summer in Cornwall.

Godrevy

Godrevy

Summer in Cornwall can be the most romantic experience of your life. If you get it right, it could be a memory you’ll come back to, in times of need! Get it wrong and you could find yourself, quite literally deep in the poo!

Below, I have listed some of the pitfalls you could face whilst on holiday in the Duchy!

This is an exclusive article and you won’t find this advice in any tourist information centre, on any holiday website, or in any  glossy attraction brochure that can be found in petrol stations, supermarkets and pubs – throughout Cornwall.

Follow this guide and remember your holiday for all the right reasons!

Traffic…
.
Pumping the heart of Kernow, is a huge artery, known as the A30. It’s a Dual Carriageway. Some call it a motorway! If you travel down on a bank holiday, be prepared for at least one tailback! The road isn’t perfect, the dual carriageway randomly turns into a single lane at times, causing huge bottlenecks along the route! You’ll be pleased to know, the council are fixing this. They’ve begun widening the single lanes and in proper Cornish style, someone thought it would be a good idea to start the work in the middle of the summer! Is it any wonder the locals are moaners?

If you’re planning a trip, travel down in the week or away from bank holidays. Why not drive down in winter, summer doesn’t guarantee sunshine, it pretty much pisses down all year round, so you wont be missing anything!

No bog roll…

If you have a weak stomach, I would suggest skipping this section!

Be prepared for a lack of toilet facilities! I’m not saying wear an extra pair of socks or anything. Just keep some loo roll handy!

A couple of years ago, in the peak of summer, the wife and I headed down Godrevy Beach for the day! We had an epic time, probably the best weather we’d had for months! A few hours in and I really needed a number two. After a hefty twenty minutes walk from the beach, I arrived at the National Trust toilets. Now sat on the throne, getting down to business, I soon realised, there was no bleddy toilet paper! I was stranded! What could I do? Only wearing a pair of shorts, stuck on the hot sticky bog, I had no choice but to put my shorts back on, waddle down the beach. I then grabbed the car key, waddled to the car, found a wet wipe, then traipsed back to the crapper! I remember it being the worst experience of my life! Well, not quite. I saw at least ten people go into that toilet. Then after a few minutes, I saw them leave the loo, doing the walk of shame! That did cheer me up!

Remember! Just because there’s a public toilet, doesn’t mean it will be open.

Public WC’s are closed from about 5pm down here. Closed during winter and some are even closed down! I know Cornwall is poor, but a toilet going bust? Come on!

Pasty Roulette…

The government’s genius idea of pasty tax has caused nothing but grief! If a shop keeps their pasties warm, they have to charge 20% VAT. But if the shop just lets their pasties cool down, they don’t have to pay VAT. So 99.9% of pasty shops now only sell pasties that cool down! Idiotic!

Pasty buying has now become a “Pasty Roulette” You never know what you’re favourite shop’s gonna dish up! It doesn’t matter who made the pasty, if the shop ain’t busy, your pasty’s gonna be cold!

If you can choose any time to buy a pasty, Saturday, mid morning would be the best time! Everyone loves to smash a pasty on a Saturday morning. So there’s a better chance your oggy will be hot! Bleddy ansome!

Seagulls…

Seagulls, Sky Rats, Shite Hawkes, whatever you call them, they’re a nightmare! They WILL attack you, even if you don’t have any food!

The government is looking into the root cause of the growing seagull population? Now let me think? Do we have more seagulls because the gulls are having seagull sex. Which in turn, makes more seagulls?

If this is the case, which I think it could be, we have three possible options: 1. Invent a seagull contraceptive 2. Stop seagulls from shagging or 3. Shoot the bastards! You may think I’m being harsh, but, I bet you’ve never had one attack you, just because you’re near their young! Imagine if humans followed this defense tactic, Camborne town would be a blood bath, there’d be mums all over the place, killing everyone in sight!

Surf and Turf…

Apologies again if you’re eating or have a weak stomach.

When I talk about Surf and Turf, I don’t mean scampi, rump and chips. I mean the discharge of raw sewage into the sea! This morning on Kernow King’s page, he posted a report showing all the beaches that are dangerously polluted with raw sewage! Normally, sewage plants only pump raw sewage into the sea, after heavy rain and flooding. As he pointed out, we’ve not had a lot of rain lately, so it must be down to the large number of people in Cornwall at the moment. This is putting a huge pressure on the sewage system and they have no choice but to pump that shit out!

Think about it… The sea is full of people and they’re all floating in their own floaters! Nasty! I bet most of those people think it’s wrong to pee in the bath!

Beaches…

You may find this weird, but I’m not a fan of the beach! I have this weird thing, that if my skin goes dry, it goes through me, like someone scraping their fingernails down a blackboard! It’s so bad, I have to carry around a tube of moisturiser! I try to stay away from the sand at all costs!

But there’s no denying it, the beaches are beautiful down here, but if you don’t like getting sand in your thousand pound sneakers, then stay away from the beach!

I like nothing more than sitting on the grass at Godrevy, overlooking St. Ives bay!

Pissing on your foot…

Now… The only time EVER, that you should wear Crocs, is when you go into the sea! Because, if you step on a weaver fish, with bare feet, you’re going to spend the rest of the day in agony.

If this does happen, find the nearest lifeguard.

If you ever mention a weaver fish to a local, they’ll say “If you step on one, piss on your foot!” Just for a laugh, it’s worth mentioning weaver fish in any conversation with a local, just to hear their reaction. Don’t worry about finding the right time to bring it up in conversation. As soon as you remember it, just cut their conversation short with “What about weaver fish!” They wont be mad that you were rude, they’ll just start banging on about weaver fish! That’s how we talk down here – Talk about bollox – remember something else – get excited and change the subject at anytime!

I did step on a weaver once. It only touched my big toe and it felt like someone driving a nail through my foot! Of course, the first thing I did, was wee in my wetsuit boot. I’m not sure if it was all in my mind, but the pain went instantly!

So there you go…

If you can battle through the traffic jams, the discharge and win at Pasty Roulette, there’s a chance your visit to Cornwall could be the most beautiful experience ever.

Just don’t forget to arm yourself with some toilet paper, crocs and stay out the water during peak season. I can’t guarantee your visit will be the best. But there’s one thing for certain, if you step on a weaver fish, you’ll be thinking of me whilst you’re stood there slashing on your foot.

Steve Heller – Cornish News

Portreath’s cash boost will be spent on Imodium to stop harbour from smelling like eggy farts

Grant will buy over 7000 packets of Imodium

Grant will buy over 7000 packets of Imodium

Coastal towns will benefit from a new government grant to help boost seaside areas.

With up to £60,000 on offer, Portreath Harbour Commissioner, Keith Crumpet said, “Well, it’s about time we sorted that smell out in the Harbour! With £60,000 we could buy over 7000 packets of Imodium and just have volunteers emptying the packets into the water!”

Portreath harbour is known for it’s “Eggy” smell. Steve Hole of Camborne said, “As far as I can remember, the harbour has always smelt like farts. When we drive to Portreath Beach, we always play a game. When you arrive in the village, whoever is in the car, has to guess whether the tide’s in or out! You can only guess this by sticking your head out the window and smelling the air! It’s a bit tricky when the tides in, but when the tides out, everyone guesses correctly – because Portreath smells like someone’s dropped one!”

Nobody is really sure why the Harbour smells like it does and it’s not sure whether Imodium will make a difference. Keith Crumpet finally said, “Will it work? Well, I think it will! The harbour is a bit like when you’ve got eggy burps, but you didn’t eat egg! Or it smells a bit like when I’ve drunk 15 pints of Rattler the night before! Just wait until we got all they Imodium! Portreath will go from ‘eaving to Heaven overnight! ”

Local authorities have warned members of the public not to treat the upset harbour themselves. A spokesman said, “Leave it to the professionals. Remember, there are actually things that live in there!”

7 signs you are becoming a grumpy old Cornishman

Photo of Jon Goodman...

Photo of Jon Goodman…

Life is a pain in the ass! Even more so, if you live in Cornwall! Everyone thinks it’s a doddle, but it’s really easy to get wound up down ‘ere!

One minute you’re enjoying a sangwich – the next, a bleddy seagull’s nicked it. Then it pisses down with rain and on the drive home, you get stuck behind a traktor.

Every mishap draws you one step closer to becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Here are the 7 signs, that it’s happening to you…

1 Distrust…
You’re proper Cornish, laid back, friendly and sometimes soft. The problem is, people take advantage of this! For every time you’re tucked up, you gain one more ounce of distrust. In the end, you turn into a suspicious old goat, functioning only on a “Guilty, until proven innocent” policy.

2 Stories…
You’re some boy mind! You’ve done some bleddy things in your time, ain’t ‘e! “Chroist!”

Sadly, holding a conversation with you, is impossible. You can’t help it! As soon as someone starts talking, you bombard them with stories!

For example, your nephew mentions he went to Camborne Wetherspoons. So your nephew is in mid-sentence, he’ll be finished in about two seconds. BUT NO! You get excited and cut him off, “Wetherspoons, I remember when it was the Berkley Centre. They use to have 3 rooms and one was all pink and played Music Videos!” Your nephew will then attempt to finish his conversation, but as soon as he opens his mouth, you’re off again “Yeah, Music Videos! I bet you can’t remember videos can ‘e? I got 400 videotapes in the front room! Come on boy, I’ll show ‘e!” The original conversation is extinct and you’re now showing off your collection of crappy video tapes.

3 Ranting…
Sometimes you rant, but you’re in fact joking! “Low pay, raining, too hot, can’t afford a house, pasty is cold, seagulls shitting everywhere, bleddy emmets, crap on TV, boring, traffic, roadworks, “NOT another £1 shop, how many bleddy air fresheners and bin liners does Cornwall need?”

Well, you pretend you’re joking, but you’re ranting. You actually build up a little repertoire of rants, that you’ve heard from all over Cornwall, usually when you’ve bumped into someone and have nothing to talk about! Don’t forget to use your best Jethro or Kernow King impression – as you’re banging on!

Some people will laugh and when they don’t… well, it’s ok, cause you weren’t even joking, were you?

4 Pasty Aggressive…
Cornish are known to be passive aggressive, or as I read somewhere… Pasty Aggressive!
You find yourself being really nice to people in conversation, but when they’re gone, you start running them down! You don’t mean to do it, but you trust no one and suspect they do exactly the same thing when you’re not there!

5 You repeat yourself…
That’s right, you repeat yourself! Sadly, your range of yarns only stretch so far! After showing your nephew your videos, he’ll say something like “Have you played the new COD game yet?” Even though you know it’s a video game, you’ll bust out with a joke, like “COD, yeah I love cod and chips!” Followed by two minutes of laughing at your own joke. Then, the next ten minutes repeating the story about when you went fishing down Marazion and almost caught a twenty pound cod.

6 Your voice deepens into a proper Cornishman.
Young Cornish people rarely sound Cornish. As they get older, something happens to their voices and they end up talking in either a really slow deep voice, or a really fast high pitched voice! Maybe, it’s the years of Jethro and Kernow King impersonations?

Or maybe it’s because, as you get older, gravity ways down your balls. This stretches your vocal chords and makes you have a deeper voice. But If you talk with a really fast, high pitched voice, it’s obvious your balls have stretched too far. You talk as fast as possible, as your stretched scrotum, makes it too painful to speak!

7 Random noises and sayings…
No grumpy old Cornishman is complete without the sayings and weird noises. You knaw the ones! When it’s cold, you shout “WUUH!” Or the high pitched ” OW MUCH!” followed by “Strewth!” When you’ve been told the price of anything. “WUUH” Also comes before a few phrases like “WUUH, Some boy mind!” and an “AGHHHU Beastly!” And not forgetting my favourite… “SHIT… THE… BED!”

So there you go… 7 signs you’re becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Don’t panic though, you may become a miserable old fart, who trusts no one, but at least you’ll have a massive set of dangling balls!

Ford Capri pulled from lake still had Pirate FM sticker in the window

Cornish News pirate fmA swimmer has found a Ford Capri at the bottom of a Nottinghamshire lake . Darren Warren made the discovery when he was swimming and spotted purple object under water.

He soon realised the purple object was in fact a Pirate FM 102 car sticker. It was stuck to the rear window of a Ford Capri.

The radio station sticker was proof that the car was originally from Cornwall.

The police believe the “Poor Man’s Sports Car” wasn’t stolen, but actually dumped by a panicked Cornish Man, who tried to leave Cornwall!

PC Kevin, of the Nottingham police force said “For some unknown reason, a Cornishman has obviously ventured out of Cornwall and crossed the border into England. He’s freaked  out and crashed the car into the lake. We think he then ran 310 miles back home. He’s probably still in the Duchy to this day!”

Further investigation concluded, the car originated from Camborne, as the vehicle had no tax or MOT.

The Nottinghamshire County Council say the car will be scrapped, but they are keeping the Pirate FM sticker.

Trevor invents Pasty Juice energy drink.

Pasty Juice

Pasty Juice “It’s all gravy”

A man from Hayle has invented a new energy drink made from pasties.

Trevor Mathews, of Foundry Square, Hayle has named the drink – Pasty Juice.

Speaking from his garden shed, he said, ” 10 years ago, I was in the Corner to Corner pasty shop and had a pasty that was full of gravy! When I got outside the shop, I saw this teenager drinking a can of that Red Cow energy drink crap and I thought, I knaw, they should make a pasty flavour one!”

After Trevor ate his large steak, he rushed home and set up a pasty laboratory in his shed. He said, “Everyday I would go down shop, get a pasty, then go home to the shed! At first, I started blending the whole pasty, but it didn’t taste right. Eventually, I discovered that if I made a slit in the bottom of the crimp and hung it up, all the gravy would drip out the bottom. For the energy part, I just crushed up 3 pro plus caffeine tablets and heaved them in there! I don’t think it tastes too bad. The misses ain’t too keen though, but  then, she’s a miserable old bag and don’t like anything anyway!”

85 year old Trevor is not sure whether the drinks will go into full production; but thinks it will be very popular with the elderly.

Margret Margretson from Camborne said, “I love Trevors juice! He invited me into his shed. He’s got some space age equipment in there mind and even got a flat screen TV! Anyway, we went in the shed and he showed me his pasty. I got so excited, I got mine out  too! Then we both watched as the gravy dripped out. Then, after, we both sat by the estuary and enjoyed a nice cigarette and a can of Pasty Juice. It really does give you more energy. I had to go bingo the other night and couldn’t stop yapping! It was a bit embarrassing though, as everyone kept telling me to shut my wap! I’ve never felt better though, I love that Pasty Juice!”

Trevor will be keeping the drink local for the time being. He said, “Well, I’ve been talking to Frank on the square and he said, if I can make 10 cans, he will put them for sale in the shop. It takes one pasty to make one can, but tastes bleddy ansome!