It will be hotter than your mum this Christmas.

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The Meht Office has reported that we are set for a heatwave in December which will last through until early next year.

Weather reporter, Derek Hutchins, said “It’s gonna be hot, so hot. Christmas day will be hotter than your mum and that’s bleddy hot! Expect the beaches to be stacked out and  crawling with emmets!”

Some news agencies are reporting that it will be snowing on Christmas, but they’ll say anything!

The Meht Office have advised to stock up on sun cream and ask for speedos as a Christmas present! They also said to enjoy it while you can, because it will be pissing down in February.

 

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Camborne man says the problem with KFC is that it only sells chicken.

kfc poolA Camborne man has criticised the new KFC in Pool for “only selling chicken.”

32 year old, Kevin Cock from Pendarves Street Camborne posted the comment on the KFC Pool Facebook page, he said “Went KFC Pool today and was disappointed. The problem with that shop is, it only sells chicken!”

Manager Derek Davies replied to the comment, he said “I hate to break it to you pal, but the clue as to why we only sell chicken is in the title!”

Kevin didn’t reply and was last seen outside Mc Donalds.

 

Truro’s Santa criticised for not being fat or drunk.

20181128_182617People criticised Santa at the Reindeer Parade in Truro this evening, saying he wasn’t like the traditional Santa Claus.

Thousands of people showed for this years event, which marked the beginning of Truro’s late night shopping.

38 year old, Camborne man – Barry Ball was disappointed with the event, he said “I spent half my giro getting here this evening, caught the train up from Camborne and you know how hard that is on a Wednesday. Got up here, queued for bleddy ages. When I got to Santa, he looked all healthy, sober and slim – what was that all about! It was so busy as well, I had to push past three families with their young children just so I could get a high five!”

Barry’s opinion wasn’t shared by all, Sandra from Chacewater had a lovely time, she said “It was such a wonderful evening, so many people enjoying themselves and it wasn’t too cold, or wet! I’m really in the Christmas spirit now! I can’t wait to sit at home on Christmas day feeling fat full and bloated.”

Shoppers will visit Truro tonight to preview items they will later buy for cheap online.

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Small business owners are preparing for late night shopping in Truro this evening. Thousands of people will descend on the city to enjoy the Reindeer Parade.

People are being urged to actually buy something they like from the shop, rather than being a skank and going home to buy it cheaper online.

Camborne man, Malcolm Monday who is off to Truro said, “I do go round the shops, av a look and if there’s something I like, I do take a picture on my Nokia 2210 phone and go home and find it cheap on ebay.”

Santa and his reindeer will be parading through Truro at 6.45pm. The park and ride will be operating all night.

Remember, it will be busy so leave early and will probably be pissing down, so take a jacket.

Cornwall will be hit by three inches of rain and strong gales making Dianna the dirtiest storm of the year.

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Storm Dianna is currently battering the UK and it’s beastly.

With 3 inches of rain and gale force winds of up to 70mph, the Meht Office have issued an amber weather warning, with risks of flooding.

The beastly weather is expected to continue into Wednesday. Head of Camborne Meht Office, Derek Hutchins, said “Now, this might sound weird, but Cornwall is expecting that rain, that do get e wet! To put it into simple terms, it will be pissing down, the weather is beastly!”

It’s advised that if you have no reason to leave the house, then wrap up nice and warm and watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle show, or get pissed. The weather should be back to just normal rain by the end of the week!

 

Thief who hid turkey in his bum said he shit out chicken nuggets.

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A Camborne man who stole turkey and tried hiding it in his backside says he regrets the whole incident.

Albert Hole, of Rose Cottages Camborne stood before the judge at Redruth Magistrates court on Tuesday, he confessed “I am so sorry your honour, it was the worst decision of my life! I originally put the packet of raw, diced turkey down my trousers, but when I saw the security guard I panicked and had to do something quick. Looking back, I should have just put the turkey back, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I rushed into the toilets, broke open the packet and one by one, stuffed the bits of turkey up my bum. It felt slimy and really hurt. I then dumped the packet in the bin. It was so stupid, it took days to get the pieces out of my ass and at one point, I sat on the toilet and a piece of turkey dropped out like a chicken nugget!”

Norman’s supermarket Security guard, Robin Banks gave evidence before the court, he said “I noticed Mr. Hole looking rather suspicious and on edge. As I began to observe him, he quickly snuck into the toilet. When he finally emerged, he was walking like John Wayne. As I approached him, he broke down in tears and told me what he’d done. I felt bad because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

After the hearing, Judge, Sam Boy decided to drop all charges as Albert had already suffered enough.

 

 

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Eco-Warrior drives 100 miles to buy paper straws.

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An environmentalist, who vows to save the planet drove 100 miles to buy paper straws.

David Numpty, from Penzance in Cornwall drove to Devon to buy paper straws after his local supermarket had sold out. Posting on his Facebook profile, he said “I can’t believe Lidl have sold out of paper straws, I had to drive 100 miles to buy some, but I’d drive a 1000 miles if it meant saving the planet!”

His Facebook post caused quite a stir, with people commenting about how stupid he was, one person said “Driving 100 miles in that shit box Corsa to buy some paper straws, are you really that dim?”

David defended his actions, he said “It’s about taking action, I know I may have polluted the air with my diesel car, but I was making a stand and saying no, I will not buy plastic straws. But, let’s not forget, I still bought my bottled water from my local supermarket.