Police arrested a man for possession of cannabis yesterday. The man was originally prescribed the herb by the NHS to cure extreme farts but had made a full recovery. On his way to the fish and chip shop, he was stopped and tested by the police for illegal substances. He explained he had been prescribed the drug by his doctor and hadn’t taken any medicine since his recovery, so he must have still had the medicine in his system. The police arrested him immediately.
Arresting officer, PC Barry Bifter, of Barry Police station, said “The suspect may have been prescribed the cannabis, but being fully recovered and still having the drug in your system, you are no longer a patient, but a criminal!”
Since being arrested, the mans farts have started up again, so he is back on the cannabis.
Is Cornwall about to get an upgrade – with a new Pound Planet store?
Rumours have been circulating the Wagoners pub in Camborne all day.
Our reliable source, Derek Hutchins was first to mention it when he was talking to old bird behind the bar, he said “Ere, I reckon they’re gonna have Pound Planet down here soon! I was right about KFC! I said backlong, in 1972 that Pool would get a KFC, I was right wasn’t I!”
Derek has been right about many things, back in 1998 he said the Zone nightclub was closing. Twenty years later and he was right! He also predicted back in 1995 that Pool Market was closing down, which hasn’t happened yet, but he could be right one day!
Local councillor, Barry Bal-Sak isn’t sure about the new store, he said “Cornwall already has Poundland, Poundstretcher and Home Bargains, how can me and my family go to every single store and look round on a Saturday afternoon, it’s just too much mooching!”
Plans have already begun for the grand opening, with local pianist, Carlo Curly performing his church organ version of Motorhead – Ace Of Spades and Trevor’s Karaoke will be providing a line dance group and candy floss machine.
The Meht Office have updated us this evening, warning we have more weather on its way today!
Monday will see light rain and a gentle breeze across Cornwall, Tuesday could possibly see snow, but lets be honest, it’s probably gonna to piss down and Wednesday is the same!
So there you go – weather!
We will be updating you again in the next two hours, with a totally opposite forecast, like “It will be the hottest Tuesday afternoon since records began!”
A bargain hunter from Cornwall returned his TV today, saying “It’s got the same old crap on it as my old TV!”
Derek Hutchins, from Camborne Cornwall bought the TV at his local branch of B&M last Friday, he said “I camped out overnight, in the pissing down rain to get that TV. When the shop doors opened, I had to punch a member of staff in the face to make sure I was first in! I Grabbed the nearest TV I could find and got out quick. I even left my tent in the car park – it was bedlam!
When I got home and switched it on, I soon realised that, TVs ain’t that special, they all show the same old crap!”
Derek was given a full refund and is hoping to get a new microwave in the January sales.
Cornwall has been put on an amber weather warning today after the Meht Office warned of hot snow.
The 3 day weather front will cover the whole of the south west with hot snow, also known as rain.
The Meht Office says to take an umbrella if you are heading outdoors as you may suffer hot snow damage to your clothing, also known as getting wet.
It was once thought that clicking on a link could possibly make you live longer. But after a study at the Jim’s Cash And Carry research centre in the middle of Camborne, they still have no idea whether it does or not.
So we’ll never know… Maybe it does?
Weather forecasters have predicted Thundersnow followed by a heatwave tomorrow. It will begin at 6.17am in Cornwall and will end with a heatwave at 11.54am.
The Meht Office are not sure what weather we will be having after that but have given a few tips to ensure you are safe:
- If you are travelling: pack a blanket, flask of hot tea, shovel, sun cream, bucket and spade, speedos and flip flops.
- Don’t wear your speedos in the snow.
- Wear sun cream in the sun.
- Don’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency, for example, you are going down to the shop to get a can of Monster, or you’ve run out of Rizlas.
- When the heatwave hits, walk around in your speedos and flip flops like you are really cool.
If you follow these tips, you will be safe tomorrow. Next week it will rain.