Man mistakes poo for painted Cornish rock.

A Camborne man was left feeling a bit poorly today, when he mistook poo for a decorated Cornish stone.

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Harry Nugget, of Cross Street Camborne, was walking through Pendarves Woods when he discovered the treasure, he said, ” I was out on my usual walk through the woods when I noticed something on the floor. It looked like a brown jagged rock. I got really excited, as I’d heard about a Facebook group that paints rocks and hides them for people to find. I thought, how cool would it be to find a painted rock. When I picked it up, it felt hard. I held it in both hands and examined it. I’ve never seen a real, painted, Cornish rock before and just assumed it was one. After holding it in my hands for a while, I put it in my pocket and sat down to eat my sandwiches. As I started eating, I thought my sandwich smelt off. I put the sandwich back in the bag and started eating some crisps, but I could still smell something bad and my crisps tasted horrible. I looked at my fingers and they were brown! I suddenly realised, the thing in my pocket wasn’t a rock – but poo! I felt so ill!”

Harry hasn’t given up on his treasure hunting and has since found a real rock and hid it in Tehidy Woods, near Camborne.

 

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Jamie Oliver’s face to replace all cartoon characters on cereal boxes.

Jamie Oliver will replace all cartoon characters on cereal boxes in a bid to tackle obesity.

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Shoppers will no longer be able to buy classic breakfast cereals like; Frosties or Coco Pops, as all the packets will have the same photo of Jamie’s gurt nugget on the front.

He believes the new campaign will deter kids from even looking at sugary cereals, let alone eating them.

The celebrity chef is also calling for a ban on junk food adverts before 9pm and to stop energy drinks being sold to children across all supermarkets.

A new topless bar is coming to Camborne called – Turnips

A new topless bar is opening in Camborne next week called – Turnips.

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The fully licensed bar will be opening in Commercial Street next to USA Chicken and will specialise in cider cocktails, bar snacks and will even have a pool table.

Camborne’s One Direction tribute band – Wrong Direction, will be performing on the opening night. The event is expected to be a sell out show, packing the venue to it’s full capacity of 19 people. There will also be a performance from the Pengegon Male Voice Choir and Penponds Brass Band.

Bar owner, David Rowe is really excited about his new venture, he said “I’ve got the finest blokes and maids to work topless behind the bar! Each day, we’ll be holding a meat raffle and happy hour will run from 8am till noon. I thought I would keep the bar proper Cornish and that’s why I called it Turnips! Everyone’s welcome, apart from anyone on Pubwatch, they ain’t allowed in!”

Turnips will open next Tuesday and tickets to the event are £35 each, which includes a free Snakebite and Black and packet of Scampi Fries at the bar.

DVLA GOES INTO MELTDOWN WHEN IT TRIES TO CLAMP CAMBORNE’S UNTAXED CARS.

The DVLA went into meltdown yesterday when it tried  clamp Camborne’s untaxed motor vehicles.

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The operation was shut down just half an hour from starting when they ran out of wheel clamps.

DVLA boss, Julian Jury, who was leading the exercise said, “We arrived at the west side of Camborne at 10am, by 10.30am we had used up all 100 clamps, we’d only made it down one street I’ve never seen anything like it!”

The Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency will be returning to the town when they can afford more clamps. They remind all drivers that their cars must have road tax or they  could be taken off the road and crushed.

 

Camborne town’s water fountain to be replaced by pasty statue.

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A 1 million pound pasty statue will replace Camborne town’s water fountain.

Local building firm, Brian’s Builders have been commissioned to carry out the work. Company director, Brian said, “I usually do odd jobs, like fixing a wall or doing a bit of gardening. I’ve never built a pasty before, but I’ve eaten loads! I’m a Philps man myself, but often go Prima in Scorrier. I’ve started sculpting the pasty in my back garden, It’s so big, I’ll have to leave the back doors of my van open when I drive it up town!”

The 15 foot brass statue will not only represent Cornwalls favourite food, it has been designed to deter vandals by being too steep and too slippery for drunk people to climb.

Sheila Sandoe, head of the Camborne Pasty Statue Committee said, “We started planning this project last year and bought all the different pasties in the town. We then ate all the pasties and tried to decide which ones we liked most. We couldn’t decide, so we got them all again and eventually agreed that we liked Rowes the most. So, the statue is a Rowes pasty, but you could call it a Philps or Warrens or whatever you wanted really I guess it doesn’t matter. At Christmas, instead of a tree we’re going to put a few lights on the pasty it will look really nice!”

Work will begin next month and is expected to be complete by Christmas. The current fountain statue will be relocated at the Rosewarne car park next to the toilets.

 

Penlee Quarry in Cornwall to become worlds first multi-story car boot sale.

Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.

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The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.

The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”

Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”

Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.

Cornish music night cancelled when DJ traps testicles in toilet door

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A Cornish music night was cancelled last night when the DJ accidentally caught his testicles in a toilet door.

The incident happened at the Clipper Bar in Camborne around 8.30pm. Landlord, James Watson saw the incident, he said “Steve was just starting the night, he’d only played a few songs and nipped off to the toilet. The song finished and he wasn’t back. People started cheering because the music had stopped, but all we could hear was Steve shouting “Help!” from the toilet. I rushed down there and he was stood with his chest up to the corner of the toilet cubicle and his balls wedged in the gap of the door, it looked really painful. I don’t know how he ended up like that”

The Ambulance and Fire Brigade were called and Steve, who doesn’t want to give his full name, was cut out of the toilet and carried through the pub face down with his testicles poking out the bottom of the door.

DJ Steve, who is from Camborne, said “I was nipping to the toilet, I knew the song was about to finish but I really needed a pee. I heard the song finish, I quickly turned round and as I twisted, I slipped falling face first into the toilet door hinge. I couldn’t do it again if I tried!”

Steve is making a full recovery in hospital.