North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un has halted his nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket to fire into space.
Kim is some boy mind
It is believed the idea came after a school in Hayle, Cornwall launched the world’s first pasty into orbit yesterday. The pasty, supplied by a Cornish bakery, Rowe’s was attached to a weather balloon and sent into space, it reached over 35,000 meters. It eventually popped and made a safe journey back into Cornwall.
The supreme leader believes he can better the students, by making an actual rocket from pasty, rather than attaching it to a weather balloon. He also believes that using a Philp’s pasty and not a Rowe’s will be the key to his success, he said “They sent a Rowe’s into space, Rowe’s are alright but, I like a Philp’s more! You can’t beat going down Hayle for a nice Philp’s pasty, they’re bleddy ‘ansome! We’ll be the first country in the world to build a Philp’s pasty rocket and send it into space!”
President of the United States, Donald Trump is not concerned about the North Korean Rocket, he said “Our intelligence tells us that North Korea has been unsuccessful so far. Every time they bake off a pasty and take it out the oven, Kim bleddy eats it!”
A supermarket is offering free pasties to children while their parents shop in all of its stores across Cornwall.
Kernow Shopper is setting up a bakery stand at the front of each shop, serving large steak pasties free to children and available to adults for £5 each.
Barry Bunt, Kernow Shopper chief executive, said: “The original plan was to give out free fruit, but we’re a local supermarket, for local people and fruit comes from all over the world. Every child in Cornwall deserves to eat a large steak pasty whenever they want.”
The oggys will be made at the stores head office in Redruth, by staff dinner lady Margaret, who has a GCSE in home economics. They will then be distributed to the four stores across the Duchy.
Margaret will be making the pasties…
Derek Davis, head of the health service for Cornwall, isn’t happy with the supermarket, he said: “I don’t think it’s right children should be given free pasties and adults have to pay! Everyone should have access to free pasties!”
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It was announced today that planning permission has been granted to replace St. Ives lighthouse with a 50 foot seagull statue.
The town has secured two million pounds of E.U. funding for the project.
St. Ives Task Manager, Mark Odgers said “We were lucky to receive this money, it was the last allocation of funds from the European Union after the Brexit vote. With technology these days, lighthouses aren’t really needed and to be honest, we were getting a bit bored of staring at it everyday and decided a change was needed. We had a private meeting and agreed it should be replaced by a statue of a gul. They are lovely birds and a big part of the town. We can’t wait to see new paintings of the harbour once the statue is complete!”
Work will begin next week and will be finished by the end of September.
70 million pounds has been granted to the district of Camborne, Pool and Redruth to build the Camborne Eye.
The giant ferris wheel will be built on top of Carn Brea, between the Basset Monument and the Castle.
Head of the project. Derek Dawson, of Illogan said “It’s going to be one hell of a sight, towering 135 meters above the Carn. We’ve been granted the full cost of the project, but want to keep some money back for a rainy day and have bought an old big wheel from the local fair. It’s a bit rusty, but we’ve got the local scout group to help paint it with hammerite. From the top, the view will be amazing, you will be able to see some beautiful locations like, Portreath Harbour, Pengegon, Pool Market and Beacon Fish and Chip Shop. We’ll be having a grand opening and have already hired local Karaoke celebrity, DJ Vinyl Richie and the Pool Line Dancers will be coming along too. It’s going to be the best event ever!”
Work is starting within the next few months, but it’s not sure which year it will be finished as the local council are laying the concrete foundations.
A man was in hospital last night after he was attacked with a carrot during a pasty club meeting in Cornwall.
The Penponds Pasty Club, near Camborne was holding its first ever exclusive pasty night when a fight broke out between two members.
Michael Barnicoat, of Fore Street Camborne was attending the club when the incident happened, he said “Hellup there was! Dave Vincent was doing a demonstration on pasties when his phone went off. Everyone burst out laughing and Dave got a bit embarrassed, so he took his phone in the toilet. Funny thing was, it was Terry Pascoe, calling Dave from the back of the room pretending to be someone from the bank. When Dave went to the toilet to answer his phone, Terry pulled a carrot out his pocket, walked up to the front of the room and dropped the carrot in Dave’s half made pasty. Of course, everyone burst out laughing and Dave must of heard them through his phone. He stuck his head out the loo door, saw Terry and was fuming! He grabbed the carrot, stormed over and shouted “I’ll give you bleddy carrot!” Pulled Terry’s jogging bottoms down and rammed the carrot right up his ass! Terry yelped out like a dog with trapped nuts and dropped to the floor like a sack of tatties.”
It happened so quick, the room went quiet and nobody knew what to do. Dave stormed out the club and we haven’t seen him since!”
Club members eventually called an ambulance and he was stretchered off, face down with a tea towel covering the carrot.
Chairman Mark Mitchell said “Well, we weren’t expecting that. It was our first ever pasty club and we think it’ll be the last. The meet is cancelled until further notice. It’s a shame really as we had a great turn out, twelve people on the first night was the biggest crowd the village has ever seen. Terry was out of hospital this morning. I feel a bit sorry for him, as everyone’s been teasing him with carrot jokes and someone even said he looked a bit orange.”
A Cornish Easter egg hunt was abandoned today, when a hunter mistook dog poo for hidden chocolate.
Mark Penrose, 39 from Radnor, was taking part in the annual Easter egg hunt at Park Shady Woods, near Redruth, Cornwall when the incident happened, he said “It was the first time I’ve done an egg hunt. I found a couple eggs near the crossing of a river and was having a lovely time. There were lots of families there enjoying the day as well.
I saw a plastic bag on the floor near where I found the two eggs. I picked it up and whacked it in the basket. I didn’t think nothing of it and took my stash back to my car.
I was sat in my car reading the paper and wasn’t paying much attention. I ate the first egg, it was tasty. Then I reached in my basket, pulled out the bag and ripped it open. It was very soft and a little warm. I opened it up and just put it in my mouth. It tasted salty and weird and instantly made me wretch, then I smelt it… poo! I scraped it off my tongue, climbed out the car and threw up in the stream.”
Word quickly spread about Marks mishap and the hunt was called off.
Mark added “Dog owners should take responsibility for their animals when out in public and think of the impact it has on others. It’s lucky the poo wasn’t picked up by a youngster.
A parking meter was taken away for investigation yesterday after it was found to be fake.
The discovery was made by local man, Dave Martin on the coastal road near Hayle. Dave was about to walk his dog when he noticed the meter, he said “I often go for a nice walk along the coastal path and I always park in the same spot, in a lay-by. When I first saw the parking meter, I was a little angry because, I’m local and believe everything in Cornwall should be free for people like me. My plan was to pay the £1 charge, then when I got home, phone Laurence on the radio and complain live on air. I was about to put the money in the machine, when my dog cocked his leg up and took a pee on it. Charlie’s a lovely dog, but he’s getting on a bit now and he often leans his leg against things he’s peeing on! The weight of Charlie toppled the meter onto floor and then four batteries fell out the back. It was so strange. I took a closer look and it looked like someone made the meter out of a plastic box and some stickers. I phoned the council to explain that my dog accidentally broke their meter, but they said, there were no meters in the lay-by along the north coastal road.”
The Council took the meter away for further investigation and warned people to check all parking meters before putting money in them, they said, “Parking meters are all over Cornwall and whether you are a local or not, everyone has to pay. Parking meters are very sturdy and do not contain batteries. If your dog was to pee against it, it would never fall down, unless it had visibly been damaged.”