Thousands of new five pound notes wash up onto Portreath car park.

 

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People have been rushing to the village of Portreath this morning, after thousands of plastic five pound notes washed up onto the beach car park. It is believed the money was dumped from a fishing boat, used by smugglers after they were chased by customs off the north coast of Cornwall.

Hundreds of people have ignored police warnings, not to go looking for the money and have descended onto the car park to scoop up the cash. Barry Davies from Redruth said, “I’ve been here all morning and so far have found £3020, I’m going to book a holiday when I get home! It’s the best day of my life!”

Dave Williams, who lives in the village said, “I was walking my dog at 6am this morning, it was still dark. When I walked into the car park, I could see lots of rubbish all over the floor. I thought the gulls must of been ripping the bins apart again, but when I looked closer the floor was littered with plastic fivers. I didn’t take any, I just rushed back home and phoned the police!”

The police said, “It was a very high tide last night and the water was overflowing onto the road. We think the money was dumped off a boat and the high tide pushed all the money into the car park. We advise people not to look for the money, as taking any would lead to arrest and prosecution. We also advised people to always take care when visiting the coastal areas and to follow all orders from the coast guard.

 

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1 wounded after airgun shootout between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

A man was treated in Hospital last night after a gun battle erupted between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

pasties

The incident happened outside a derelict building, formerly the Normans Supermarket in Camborne, Cornwall.

A witness was walking her dog when she heard shouting in the car park, she said “I was out walking the dog, past the old supermarket when I heard all this noise and commotion. I looked into the blocked off car park and I could see about 10 people in white overalls fighting, it was absolute bedlam. This big lady had a gun and a couple men had rolling pins. I quickly rushed home and called the police.”

P.C. Peter Penter said “We received a call at 8.15pm on Saturday night, after a member of the public witnessed two groups of people, dressed in white overalls fighting outside an old derelict building. One man was seen to be carrying a long object, thought to be a rolling pin and a lady had an air rifle. When we arrived at the scene, the gangs had left the area and we found an injured man, perched against the wall holding his groin. It appears his attacker was aiming for his testicles. The middle aged man was taken to hospital and treated for mild injuries!”

It is believed the battle is part of an ongoing pasty war between Harry Hockings and Polglaze Pasties in Camborne. The two companies have been feuding for years ever since Harry Hocking poached one of Polglazes top crimpers, Sidney “Some Boy” Stevens, from Drump Road Redruth.

 

From Pasty Roulette to pissing on your foot. Hellers guide to summer in Cornwall.

Godrevy

Godrevy

Summer in Cornwall can be the most romantic experience of your life. If you get it right, it could be a memory you’ll come back to, in times of need! Get it wrong and you could find yourself, quite literally deep in the poo!

Below, I have listed some of the pitfalls you could face whilst on holiday in the Duchy!

This is an exclusive article and you won’t find this advice in any tourist information centre, on any holiday website, or in any  glossy attraction brochure that can be found in petrol stations, supermarkets and pubs – throughout Cornwall.

Follow this guide and remember your holiday for all the right reasons!

Traffic…
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Pumping the heart of Kernow, is a huge artery, known as the A30. It’s a Dual Carriageway. Some call it a motorway! If you travel down on a bank holiday, be prepared for at least one tailback! The road isn’t perfect, the dual carriageway randomly turns into a single lane at times, causing huge bottlenecks along the route! You’ll be pleased to know, the council are fixing this. They’ve begun widening the single lanes and in proper Cornish style, someone thought it would be a good idea to start the work in the middle of the summer! Is it any wonder the locals are moaners?

If you’re planning a trip, travel down in the week or away from bank holidays. Why not drive down in winter, summer doesn’t guarantee sunshine, it pretty much pisses down all year round, so you wont be missing anything!

No bog roll…

If you have a weak stomach, I would suggest skipping this section!

Be prepared for a lack of toilet facilities! I’m not saying wear an extra pair of socks or anything. Just keep some loo roll handy!

A couple of years ago, in the peak of summer, the wife and I headed down Godrevy Beach for the day! We had an epic time, probably the best weather we’d had for months! A few hours in and I really needed a number two. After a hefty twenty minutes walk from the beach, I arrived at the National Trust toilets. Now sat on the throne, getting down to business, I soon realised, there was no bleddy toilet paper! I was stranded! What could I do? Only wearing a pair of shorts, stuck on the hot sticky bog, I had no choice but to put my shorts back on, waddle down the beach. I then grabbed the car key, waddled to the car, found a wet wipe, then traipsed back to the crapper! I remember it being the worst experience of my life! Well, not quite. I saw at least ten people go into that toilet. Then after a few minutes, I saw them leave the loo, doing the walk of shame! That did cheer me up!

Remember! Just because there’s a public toilet, doesn’t mean it will be open.

Public WC’s are closed from about 5pm down here. Closed during winter and some are even closed down! I know Cornwall is poor, but a toilet going bust? Come on!

Pasty Roulette…

The government’s genius idea of pasty tax has caused nothing but grief! If a shop keeps their pasties warm, they have to charge 20% VAT. But if the shop just lets their pasties cool down, they don’t have to pay VAT. So 99.9% of pasty shops now only sell pasties that cool down! Idiotic!

Pasty buying has now become a “Pasty Roulette” You never know what you’re favourite shop’s gonna dish up! It doesn’t matter who made the pasty, if the shop ain’t busy, your pasty’s gonna be cold!

If you can choose any time to buy a pasty, Saturday, mid morning would be the best time! Everyone loves to smash a pasty on a Saturday morning. So there’s a better chance your oggy will be hot! Bleddy ansome!

Seagulls…

Seagulls, Sky Rats, Shite Hawkes, whatever you call them, they’re a nightmare! They WILL attack you, even if you don’t have any food!

The government is looking into the root cause of the growing seagull population? Now let me think? Do we have more seagulls because the gulls are having seagull sex. Which in turn, makes more seagulls?

If this is the case, which I think it could be, we have three possible options: 1. Invent a seagull contraceptive 2. Stop seagulls from shagging or 3. Shoot the bastards! You may think I’m being harsh, but, I bet you’ve never had one attack you, just because you’re near their young! Imagine if humans followed this defense tactic, Camborne town would be a blood bath, there’d be mums all over the place, killing everyone in sight!

Surf and Turf…

Apologies again if you’re eating or have a weak stomach.

When I talk about Surf and Turf, I don’t mean scampi, rump and chips. I mean the discharge of raw sewage into the sea! This morning on Kernow King’s page, he posted a report showing all the beaches that are dangerously polluted with raw sewage! Normally, sewage plants only pump raw sewage into the sea, after heavy rain and flooding. As he pointed out, we’ve not had a lot of rain lately, so it must be down to the large number of people in Cornwall at the moment. This is putting a huge pressure on the sewage system and they have no choice but to pump that shit out!

Think about it… The sea is full of people and they’re all floating in their own floaters! Nasty! I bet most of those people think it’s wrong to pee in the bath!

Beaches…

You may find this weird, but I’m not a fan of the beach! I have this weird thing, that if my skin goes dry, it goes through me, like someone scraping their fingernails down a blackboard! It’s so bad, I have to carry around a tube of moisturiser! I try to stay away from the sand at all costs!

But there’s no denying it, the beaches are beautiful down here, but if you don’t like getting sand in your thousand pound sneakers, then stay away from the beach!

I like nothing more than sitting on the grass at Godrevy, overlooking St. Ives bay!

Pissing on your foot…

Now… The only time EVER, that you should wear Crocs, is when you go into the sea! Because, if you step on a weaver fish, with bare feet, you’re going to spend the rest of the day in agony.

If this does happen, find the nearest lifeguard.

If you ever mention a weaver fish to a local, they’ll say “If you step on one, piss on your foot!” Just for a laugh, it’s worth mentioning weaver fish in any conversation with a local, just to hear their reaction. Don’t worry about finding the right time to bring it up in conversation. As soon as you remember it, just cut their conversation short with “What about weaver fish!” They wont be mad that you were rude, they’ll just start banging on about weaver fish! That’s how we talk down here – Talk about bollox – remember something else – get excited and change the subject at anytime!

I did step on a weaver once. It only touched my big toe and it felt like someone driving a nail through my foot! Of course, the first thing I did, was wee in my wetsuit boot. I’m not sure if it was all in my mind, but the pain went instantly!

So there you go…

If you can battle through the traffic jams, the discharge and win at Pasty Roulette, there’s a chance your visit to Cornwall could be the most beautiful experience ever.

Just don’t forget to arm yourself with some toilet paper, crocs and stay out the water during peak season. I can’t guarantee your visit will be the best. But there’s one thing for certain, if you step on a weaver fish, you’ll be thinking of me whilst you’re stood there slashing on your foot.

Steve Heller – Cornish News

7 signs you are becoming a grumpy old Cornishman

Photo of Jon Goodman...

Photo of Jon Goodman…

Life is a pain in the ass! Even more so, if you live in Cornwall! Everyone thinks it’s a doddle, but it’s really easy to get wound up down ‘ere!

One minute you’re enjoying a sangwich – the next, a bleddy seagull’s nicked it. Then it pisses down with rain and on the drive home, you get stuck behind a traktor.

Every mishap draws you one step closer to becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Here are the 7 signs, that it’s happening to you…

1 Distrust…
You’re proper Cornish, laid back, friendly and sometimes soft. The problem is, people take advantage of this! For every time you’re tucked up, you gain one more ounce of distrust. In the end, you turn into a suspicious old goat, functioning only on a “Guilty, until proven innocent” policy.

2 Stories…
You’re some boy mind! You’ve done some bleddy things in your time, ain’t ‘e! “Chroist!”

Sadly, holding a conversation with you, is impossible. You can’t help it! As soon as someone starts talking, you bombard them with stories!

For example, your nephew mentions he went to Camborne Wetherspoons. So your nephew is in mid-sentence, he’ll be finished in about two seconds. BUT NO! You get excited and cut him off, “Wetherspoons, I remember when it was the Berkley Centre. They use to have 3 rooms and one was all pink and played Music Videos!” Your nephew will then attempt to finish his conversation, but as soon as he opens his mouth, you’re off again “Yeah, Music Videos! I bet you can’t remember videos can ‘e? I got 400 videotapes in the front room! Come on boy, I’ll show ‘e!” The original conversation is extinct and you’re now showing off your collection of crappy video tapes.

3 Ranting…
Sometimes you rant, but you’re in fact joking! “Low pay, raining, too hot, can’t afford a house, pasty is cold, seagulls shitting everywhere, bleddy emmets, crap on TV, boring, traffic, roadworks, “NOT another £1 shop, how many bleddy air fresheners and bin liners does Cornwall need?”

Well, you pretend you’re joking, but you’re ranting. You actually build up a little repertoire of rants, that you’ve heard from all over Cornwall, usually when you’ve bumped into someone and have nothing to talk about! Don’t forget to use your best Jethro or Kernow King impression – as you’re banging on!

Some people will laugh and when they don’t… well, it’s ok, cause you weren’t even joking, were you?

4 Pasty Aggressive…
Cornish are known to be passive aggressive, or as I read somewhere… Pasty Aggressive!
You find yourself being really nice to people in conversation, but when they’re gone, you start running them down! You don’t mean to do it, but you trust no one and suspect they do exactly the same thing when you’re not there!

5 You repeat yourself…
That’s right, you repeat yourself! Sadly, your range of yarns only stretch so far! After showing your nephew your videos, he’ll say something like “Have you played the new COD game yet?” Even though you know it’s a video game, you’ll bust out with a joke, like “COD, yeah I love cod and chips!” Followed by two minutes of laughing at your own joke. Then, the next ten minutes repeating the story about when you went fishing down Marazion and almost caught a twenty pound cod.

6 Your voice deepens into a proper Cornishman.
Young Cornish people rarely sound Cornish. As they get older, something happens to their voices and they end up talking in either a really slow deep voice, or a really fast high pitched voice! Maybe, it’s the years of Jethro and Kernow King impersonations?

Or maybe it’s because, as you get older, gravity ways down your balls. This stretches your vocal chords and makes you have a deeper voice. But If you talk with a really fast, high pitched voice, it’s obvious your balls have stretched too far. You talk as fast as possible, as your stretched scrotum, makes it too painful to speak!

7 Random noises and sayings…
No grumpy old Cornishman is complete without the sayings and weird noises. You knaw the ones! When it’s cold, you shout “WUUH!” Or the high pitched ” OW MUCH!” followed by “Strewth!” When you’ve been told the price of anything. “WUUH” Also comes before a few phrases like “WUUH, Some boy mind!” and an “AGHHHU Beastly!” And not forgetting my favourite… “SHIT… THE… BED!”

So there you go… 7 signs you’re becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Don’t panic though, you may become a miserable old fart, who trusts no one, but at least you’ll have a massive set of dangling balls!