The Meht Office have updated us this evening, warning we have more weather on its way today!
Monday will see light rain and a gentle breeze across Cornwall, Tuesday could possibly see snow, but lets be honest, it’s probably gonna to piss down and Wednesday is the same!
So there you go – weather!
We will be updating you again in the next two hours, with a totally opposite forecast, like “It will be the hottest Tuesday afternoon since records began!”
A bargain hunter from Cornwall returned his TV today, saying “It’s got the same old crap on it as my old TV!”
Derek Hutchins, from Camborne Cornwall bought the TV at his local branch of B&M last Friday, he said “I camped out overnight, in the pissing down rain to get that TV. When the shop doors opened, I had to punch a member of staff in the face to make sure I was first in! I Grabbed the nearest TV I could find and got out quick. I even left my tent in the car park – it was bedlam!
When I got home and switched it on, I soon realised that, TVs ain’t that special, they all show the same old crap!”
Derek was given a full refund and is hoping to get a new microwave in the January sales.
Weather forecasters have predicted Thundersnow followed by a heatwave tomorrow. It will begin at 6.17am in Cornwall and will end with a heatwave at 11.54am.
The Meht Office are not sure what weather we will be having after that but have given a few tips to ensure you are safe:
- If you are travelling: pack a blanket, flask of hot tea, shovel, sun cream, bucket and spade, speedos and flip flops.
- Don’t wear your speedos in the snow.
- Wear sun cream in the sun.
- Don’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency, for example, you are going down to the shop to get a can of Monster, or you’ve run out of Rizlas.
- When the heatwave hits, walk around in your speedos and flip flops like you are really cool.
If you follow these tips, you will be safe tomorrow. Next week it will rain.
A shopper had an abrupt ending to his Black Friday when his testicles got trapped in a sliding door.
Cornishman, Harry Sack was waiting to enter his local Aldi in Lands End Cornwall when the incident happened. Bystander, Shirley Ball was stood behind him at the time, she said “It was quite cramped at the front of the queue, suddenly the door opened slightly, everyone pushed, then it closed again. The man in front of me yelped out really loud and the door opened again and everyone cheered and rushed in. I don’t know what happened to the man because everyone just pushed into the shop, we all wanted to get our hands on Kevin the Carrot, I guess that poor chap was more concerned about his own carrot, I hope he’s alright.
Security guard, David Jones didn’t want to comment on the situation, but ensured us that Harry Sack had made a full recovery and was back shopping within ten minutes.
Camborne is set to get new nightclub next year. The 1000 capacity club will be above Poundland next to Argos. Local businessman Del Davis, said “Camborne really needs a club and I’ve decided it’s time to set one up. It’ll be above the pound shop, so I thought I’d call it the Ministry Of Pound, it’s a catchy name! It’s in the perfect location because it’s right next to the taxi rank. People can go to Spoons, Tyacks, White Hart then finish off in the club, it will be amazing!”
Camborne has had a few clubs over the years with the Berkely Centre in the 80’s and 90’s followed by the Corn Exchange. Ever since the Zone nightclub closed a few months ago, people have really struggled to enjoy a night out, with pubs getting overcrowded in the area.
The people of Camborne were treated with a surprise visit from Donald Trump last night when he was spotted singing karaoke in the White Hart pub.
He’s believed to have made a whistle stop tour after visiting his golf course in Scotland. One of his spokesmen said, “Donald discovered Camborne on Twitter, he said it’s his kind of town! He couldn’t wait to go to the White Hart to let his hair down!”
Regular Camborne drinker, Derek Hutchins spotted the American president, he said “Christ, I was outside having a rollie, I looked through the window and couldn’t believe my eyes, bleddy Donald Trump singing on the karaoke, for a moment I thought someone had spiked my drink. He didn’t stay long. He sang Barbie Girl, necked a pint of Rattler and was gone! We all watched as he staggered across the road into USA Chicken and was chatting to some bird! I wish he’d stayed longer, he looks like a right laugh on the piss!”
It’s not certain if he will return to Cornwall, however the people who met him said he seemed to enjoy himself.
Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.
The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.
The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”
Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”
Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.