School sports day cancelled after teacher mistakes fart for thunder and lightning.

fart

A Cornish school sports day was cancelled today when a teacher mistook a parents fart for thunder.

The incident happened at Treday school, near Redruth earlier this afternoon. Parents were left baffled when the headteacher, Mr. Hawk also known as Chalky Hawky called off the event.

Parent, Margaret Banon was watching her son Tony in the egg and spoon race when it happened, she said “Tony was winning the egg and spoon race and old Chalky Hawky was stood at the finish line. Next minute, a big dad who was stood next to him, lifted his leg and let out this massive fart. His ass was so big, it must have travelled a fair old distance from his bum hole, down the crack of his ass before it actually surfaced and made a noise. It was beastly and even sounded like thunder! But Chalky was concentrating on the race so much, the noise made him jump. He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds, so he ordered everyone to stop what they were doing and return to the class room immediately. He then made a bizarre announcement, saying there was thunder and lightning. I think he was the only one who didn’t realise it was a fart”

A parent called Karen was so angry, she threatened to complain to Ofsted, she said “I was so upset I demanded to see the headmaster immediately. The headmaster apologised but it wasn’t enough. I want to speak to Ofsted and I will be claiming compensation as I took the afternoon off work and even drove two miles to get here, which costs money too you know!”

It’s not sure if the sports day is being rescheduled.

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Camborne Santa caught shoplifting.

sss

A man dressed as Santa was caught shoplifting in Camborne today. Security managed to stop the man when they grabbed him by the sack.

Security guard, Derek Wiseman of the Chocolate Box pound shop captured the thief, he said “I was stood in the shop and suddenly this scruffy looking Santa came through the door carrying a black sack. Apart from the fact he was dressed like Santa, he was looking rather dodgy. He kept looking round to see if anyone was watching before stuffing a load of Lynx Africa into his bag. As he tried to leave the shop, he saw me and started running. I chased him down into the square, where I managed to grab his sack. He tripped and I landed on him. I gripped him and his sack very tightly until the police arrived. That’s the first time I’ve come across a thieving Santa, it was weird!”

The man was later named as 32 year old, Harry Sack, of Fore Street Camborne. He will face trial later this month at Truro Crown Court.

Camborne man says the problem with KFC is that it only sells chicken.

kfc poolA Camborne man has criticised the new KFC in Pool for “only selling chicken.”

32 year old, Kevin Cock from Pendarves Street Camborne posted the comment on the KFC Pool Facebook page, he said “Went KFC Pool today and was disappointed. The problem with that shop is, it only sells chicken!”

Manager Derek Davies replied to the comment, he said “I hate to break it to you pal, but the clue as to why we only sell chicken is in the title!”

Kevin didn’t reply and was last seen outside Mc Donalds.

 

Truro’s Santa criticised for not being fat or drunk.

20181128_182617People criticised Santa at the Reindeer Parade in Truro this evening, saying he wasn’t like the traditional Santa Claus.

Thousands of people showed for this years event, which marked the beginning of Truro’s late night shopping.

38 year old, Camborne man – Barry Ball was disappointed with the event, he said “I spent half my giro getting here this evening, caught the train up from Camborne and you know how hard that is on a Wednesday. Got up here, queued for bleddy ages. When I got to Santa, he looked all healthy, sober and slim – what was that all about! It was so busy as well, I had to push past three families with their young children just so I could get a high five!”

Barry’s opinion wasn’t shared by all, Sandra from Chacewater had a lovely time, she said “It was such a wonderful evening, so many people enjoying themselves and it wasn’t too cold, or wet! I’m really in the Christmas spirit now! I can’t wait to sit at home on Christmas day feeling fat full and bloated.”

Cornwall will be hit by three inches of rain and strong gales making Dianna the dirtiest storm of the year.

moist

Storm Dianna is currently battering the UK and it’s beastly.

With 3 inches of rain and gale force winds of up to 70mph, the Meht Office have issued an amber weather warning, with risks of flooding.

The beastly weather is expected to continue into Wednesday. Head of Camborne Meht Office, Derek Hutchins, said “Now, this might sound weird, but Cornwall is expecting that rain, that do get e wet! To put it into simple terms, it will be pissing down, the weather is beastly!”

It’s advised that if you have no reason to leave the house, then wrap up nice and warm and watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle show, or get pissed. The weather should be back to just normal rain by the end of the week!

 

Thief who hid turkey in his bum said he shit out chicken nuggets.

man

A Camborne man who stole turkey and tried hiding it in his backside says he regrets the whole incident.

Albert Hole, of Rose Cottages Camborne stood before the judge at Redruth Magistrates court on Tuesday, he confessed “I am so sorry your honour, it was the worst decision of my life! I originally put the packet of raw, diced turkey down my trousers, but when I saw the security guard I panicked and had to do something quick. Looking back, I should have just put the turkey back, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I rushed into the toilets, broke open the packet and one by one, stuffed the bits of turkey up my bum. It felt slimy and really hurt. I then dumped the packet in the bin. It was so stupid, it took days to get the pieces out of my ass and at one point, I sat on the toilet and a piece of turkey dropped out like a chicken nugget!”

Norman’s supermarket Security guard, Robin Banks gave evidence before the court, he said “I noticed Mr. Hole looking rather suspicious and on edge. As I began to observe him, he quickly snuck into the toilet. When he finally emerged, he was walking like John Wayne. As I approached him, he broke down in tears and told me what he’d done. I felt bad because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

After the hearing, Judge, Sam Boy decided to drop all charges as Albert had already suffered enough.

 

 

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Eco-Warrior drives 100 miles to buy paper straws.

paper straw

An environmentalist, who vows to save the planet drove 100 miles to buy paper straws.

David Numpty, from Penzance in Cornwall drove to Devon to buy paper straws after his local supermarket had sold out. Posting on his Facebook profile, he said “I can’t believe Lidl have sold out of paper straws, I had to drive 100 miles to buy some, but I’d drive a 1000 miles if it meant saving the planet!”

His Facebook post caused quite a stir, with people commenting about how stupid he was, one person said “Driving 100 miles in that shit box Corsa to buy some paper straws, are you really that dim?”

David defended his actions, he said “It’s about taking action, I know I may have polluted the air with my diesel car, but I was making a stand and saying no, I will not buy plastic straws. But, let’s not forget, I still bought my bottled water from my local supermarket.