Penlee Quarry in Cornwall to become worlds first multi-story car boot sale.

Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.

car boot world pz

 

 

 

 

The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.

The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”

Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”

Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.

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Man shouts “I am the Veganator” before hitting diner over the head with cucumber.

A weekly steak night was turned into chaos last night when a crazed man ran into a pub shouting, “I am the Veganator” before hitting a customer over the head with a cucumber.

Veganator

Man shouted “I am the Veganator!”

 

The incident happened around 6pm, at the London pub in Redruth, which holds a steak night every Monday. Pub owner, Derek Chapman said, “It was just a normal night, about 30 people sat down enjoying their steak and chips. Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard an angry roar. It happened so quick, it was like a dream, surreal. Suddenly, a man with a moustache and his hair tied in a bun came charging through the door. He ran up to the first table and shouted “I am the Veganator!” Then pulled a cucumber out his pants and hit Freddy Gribble over the head. The cucumber snapped and one half landed in Freddies pint. The whole pub fell silent and all you could hear was the jukebox playing Black Eyed Peas. I must admit, that’s never happened at one of our steak nights before.”

The London Inn

The London Inn – Redruth

 

The attacker quickly fled the scene and the episode was over within minutes.

Freddy Gribble from St. Day near Redruth said, “I go to the steak night every week and always sit next to the entrance. Nothing strange ever happens, apart from once when they had a twenty minute power cut and I fell over trying to find my way to the toilet. But tonight, I was just sat there as usual enjoying my tea. Then, the door burst open and this bloke hit me over the head. Before I knew it, he ran out the door again. It happened so quick, everyone was looking at each other like, “What the hell just happened?” I’m not taking any chances next week, I’m going to sit well away from the front door, sod that.”

 

Pub landlord, Derek has decided not to pursue the incident, as nobody was hurt but will remain vigilant in case of a repeat attack.

Disused mine given go ahead to be turned into flats for the “Up Country”

 

The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.

Disused mine

Disused mine in Scorrier

 

The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.

Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”

Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”

Mine Flats

What the new apartments will look like

Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”

The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.

 

From Pasty Roulette to pissing on your foot. Hellers guide to summer in Cornwall.

Godrevy

Godrevy

Summer in Cornwall can be the most romantic experience of your life. If you get it right, it could be a memory you’ll come back to, in times of need! Get it wrong and you could find yourself, quite literally deep in the poo!

Below, I have listed some of the pitfalls you could face whilst on holiday in the Duchy!

This is an exclusive article and you won’t find this advice in any tourist information centre, on any holiday website, or in any  glossy attraction brochure that can be found in petrol stations, supermarkets and pubs – throughout Cornwall.

Follow this guide and remember your holiday for all the right reasons!

Traffic…
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Pumping the heart of Kernow, is a huge artery, known as the A30. It’s a Dual Carriageway. Some call it a motorway! If you travel down on a bank holiday, be prepared for at least one tailback! The road isn’t perfect, the dual carriageway randomly turns into a single lane at times, causing huge bottlenecks along the route! You’ll be pleased to know, the council are fixing this. They’ve begun widening the single lanes and in proper Cornish style, someone thought it would be a good idea to start the work in the middle of the summer! Is it any wonder the locals are moaners?

If you’re planning a trip, travel down in the week or away from bank holidays. Why not drive down in winter, summer doesn’t guarantee sunshine, it pretty much pisses down all year round, so you wont be missing anything!

No bog roll…

If you have a weak stomach, I would suggest skipping this section!

Be prepared for a lack of toilet facilities! I’m not saying wear an extra pair of socks or anything. Just keep some loo roll handy!

A couple of years ago, in the peak of summer, the wife and I headed down Godrevy Beach for the day! We had an epic time, probably the best weather we’d had for months! A few hours in and I really needed a number two. After a hefty twenty minutes walk from the beach, I arrived at the National Trust toilets. Now sat on the throne, getting down to business, I soon realised, there was no bleddy toilet paper! I was stranded! What could I do? Only wearing a pair of shorts, stuck on the hot sticky bog, I had no choice but to put my shorts back on, waddle down the beach. I then grabbed the car key, waddled to the car, found a wet wipe, then traipsed back to the crapper! I remember it being the worst experience of my life! Well, not quite. I saw at least ten people go into that toilet. Then after a few minutes, I saw them leave the loo, doing the walk of shame! That did cheer me up!

Remember! Just because there’s a public toilet, doesn’t mean it will be open.

Public WC’s are closed from about 5pm down here. Closed during winter and some are even closed down! I know Cornwall is poor, but a toilet going bust? Come on!

Pasty Roulette…

The government’s genius idea of pasty tax has caused nothing but grief! If a shop keeps their pasties warm, they have to charge 20% VAT. But if the shop just lets their pasties cool down, they don’t have to pay VAT. So 99.9% of pasty shops now only sell pasties that cool down! Idiotic!

Pasty buying has now become a “Pasty Roulette” You never know what you’re favourite shop’s gonna dish up! It doesn’t matter who made the pasty, if the shop ain’t busy, your pasty’s gonna be cold!

If you can choose any time to buy a pasty, Saturday, mid morning would be the best time! Everyone loves to smash a pasty on a Saturday morning. So there’s a better chance your oggy will be hot! Bleddy ansome!

Seagulls…

Seagulls, Sky Rats, Shite Hawkes, whatever you call them, they’re a nightmare! They WILL attack you, even if you don’t have any food!

The government is looking into the root cause of the growing seagull population? Now let me think? Do we have more seagulls because the gulls are having seagull sex. Which in turn, makes more seagulls?

If this is the case, which I think it could be, we have three possible options: 1. Invent a seagull contraceptive 2. Stop seagulls from shagging or 3. Shoot the bastards! You may think I’m being harsh, but, I bet you’ve never had one attack you, just because you’re near their young! Imagine if humans followed this defense tactic, Camborne town would be a blood bath, there’d be mums all over the place, killing everyone in sight!

Surf and Turf…

Apologies again if you’re eating or have a weak stomach.

When I talk about Surf and Turf, I don’t mean scampi, rump and chips. I mean the discharge of raw sewage into the sea! This morning on Kernow King’s page, he posted a report showing all the beaches that are dangerously polluted with raw sewage! Normally, sewage plants only pump raw sewage into the sea, after heavy rain and flooding. As he pointed out, we’ve not had a lot of rain lately, so it must be down to the large number of people in Cornwall at the moment. This is putting a huge pressure on the sewage system and they have no choice but to pump that shit out!

Think about it… The sea is full of people and they’re all floating in their own floaters! Nasty! I bet most of those people think it’s wrong to pee in the bath!

Beaches…

You may find this weird, but I’m not a fan of the beach! I have this weird thing, that if my skin goes dry, it goes through me, like someone scraping their fingernails down a blackboard! It’s so bad, I have to carry around a tube of moisturiser! I try to stay away from the sand at all costs!

But there’s no denying it, the beaches are beautiful down here, but if you don’t like getting sand in your thousand pound sneakers, then stay away from the beach!

I like nothing more than sitting on the grass at Godrevy, overlooking St. Ives bay!

Pissing on your foot…

Now… The only time EVER, that you should wear Crocs, is when you go into the sea! Because, if you step on a weaver fish, with bare feet, you’re going to spend the rest of the day in agony.

If this does happen, find the nearest lifeguard.

If you ever mention a weaver fish to a local, they’ll say “If you step on one, piss on your foot!” Just for a laugh, it’s worth mentioning weaver fish in any conversation with a local, just to hear their reaction. Don’t worry about finding the right time to bring it up in conversation. As soon as you remember it, just cut their conversation short with “What about weaver fish!” They wont be mad that you were rude, they’ll just start banging on about weaver fish! That’s how we talk down here – Talk about bollox – remember something else – get excited and change the subject at anytime!

I did step on a weaver once. It only touched my big toe and it felt like someone driving a nail through my foot! Of course, the first thing I did, was wee in my wetsuit boot. I’m not sure if it was all in my mind, but the pain went instantly!

So there you go…

If you can battle through the traffic jams, the discharge and win at Pasty Roulette, there’s a chance your visit to Cornwall could be the most beautiful experience ever.

Just don’t forget to arm yourself with some toilet paper, crocs and stay out the water during peak season. I can’t guarantee your visit will be the best. But there’s one thing for certain, if you step on a weaver fish, you’ll be thinking of me whilst you’re stood there slashing on your foot.

Steve Heller – Cornish News

Camborne to become Cornwall’s number one tourist destination!

Camborne Town

Camborne Town

Cornish tourist experts believe Camborne will be the hottest holiday destination this summer – when new hotels will be built in the town! Keith Curnow – head of the Tourist Committee, said “The town has a lot of potential and we really think it’s going to kick off in Camborne this summer! Holiday makers have been to Newquay, St. Ives and Falmouth but nobody has explored Camborne! Now it’s got a couple of Hotels and even a Costa – Camborne will be where it’s at this year!”

The town saw it’s first influx of visitors today, as they arrived for the Easter weekend. Mr. Smith from Up-Country said “Our neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Jones are off to St. Ives this summer! Ha!! We told them we were going to St. Ives. If we said we were heading to Camborne, they would have gone to Redruth or something to get one up on us! We’re really ahead of our game here! Camborne is a virgin to us tourists! We didn’t even know it existed until last year when we accidently took the wrong turning off the A30. We’ve visited all the main attractions in the town and yesterday had a nice pint in a pub called the Clipper! It was lovely! We were told by a lovely man who was decorated with tattoos from head to toe that there is a boutique in the town that sold jackets with prints of different types of animals, like wolves and cats. We can’t wait for that!”

Not everyone is happy about Cambornes new found fame! One local, who didn’t want to be named, made a comment to the Cornish News. Unfortunately, he spoke so fast and with such a deep Cornish accent, all we could understand him saying was “fu**ing” in-between every other word. We do believe he was extremely angry though, as he said the whole statement in one five minute long sentence and by the end he was bright red with a vein popping out his head!

It is believed if the town see’s a growth in visitors, they will be using the extra income to hire Jeremy Clarkson to turn on this years Christmas lights!