The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.
Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.
Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”
Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.
The notorious gang, the Camborne Mafia are no more! They broke up last week in a dramatic turn of events, which ended in a three chav fight outside Aldi.
Ex member, Wayne Andrews said, “Last week, Darren went into Spar to nick a can of 35p energy drink. The lady behind the counter asked what he was doing and he said he worked there. They knew he didn’t work there, but they played along for a laugh. Within half an hour, they had him out the back sweeping up! When he finished they asked if he actually wanted a job and he said yes! What a dick! We had one rule and that was not to get a job and he broke it! So when he finished his shift, Mikey and me waited outside and jumped him! Done him in good and proper! But, he was the leader and we use to have gang meetings at his house, because his mum was always down the bingo hall. So now we haven’t got anywhere to go, so me and Mikey just hang round outside Aldi.”
It’s believed the gang will be up and running again soon, as Darren keeps turning up late for work at the Spar shop…
Police arrested a man for possession of cannabis yesterday. The man was originally prescribed the herb by the NHS to cure extreme farts but had made a full recovery. On his way to the fish and chip shop, he was stopped and tested by the police for illegal substances. He explained he had been prescribed the drug by his doctor and hadn’t taken any medicine since his recovery, so he must have still had the medicine in his system. The police arrested him immediately.
Arresting officer, PC Barry Bifter, of Barry Police station, said “The suspect may have been prescribed the cannabis, but being fully recovered and still having the drug in your system, you are no longer a patient, but a criminal!”
Since being arrested, the mans farts have started up again, so he is back on the cannabis.
Cornwall has been put on an amber weather warning today after the Meht Office warned of hot snow.
The 3 day weather front will cover the whole of the south west with hot snow, also known as rain.
The Meht Office says to take an umbrella if you are heading outdoors as you may suffer hot snow damage to your clothing, also known as getting wet.
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A Redruth man was arrested yesterday, after he painted a rock brown on Carn Brea. The 4 foot boulder can be seen from miles around and looks just like poo.
The police were quick to make a statement about the incident. PC nugget, at Troon Police station, said “We arrested a 27 year old Redruth man today. He was held in police custody after turning a granite rock into poo. We urge members of the public to think carefully before participating in the internet game – Kernow Rocks, as you may be damaging public property – which is illegal.”
The internet led game, known as Kernow Rocks was set up a couple of years ago. Members of the group paint rocks and hide them around Cornwall for other members to find and upload pictures onto their Facebook page.
A man was left extremely embarrassed today after he soiled himself in a pound shop.
Chris was hoping to blame the fart on an old lady.
Christopher Brown, from Praze-An-Beeble was enjoying an afternoon shopping when disaster struck, he said “I can’t believe what happened! I was stood in the queue at the pound shop, ready to pay for some Walnut Whips. My guts had been playing up all morning and I thought I just needed to fart. There was an old lady stood in front of me and I thought, if I let out a quiet one and it stinks, everyone will just think it’s the old lady. I relaxed and tried slowly squeezing it out. Suddenly, I felt a big bubbling sensation up the side of my body, there was a massive fart noise and I could feel a warm, wet liquid running down the side of my leg – out the side of my shorts. The old lady looked at me and shouted, “My word, you’ve shit yourself!” I dropped my walnut whips and ran out the store!”
Chris quickly exited onto the street and headed to the nearest public toilet, he added “I felt so embarrassed, I snuck down the back road, to the toilets at Rosewarne car park, but they were shut! I was so desperate, I squatted down by a recycling bin, dropped my shorts and let rip! It was the worst moment of my life!”
Chris finally made it to a pub, where he cleaned himself up in the toilet then caught the bus home.
He finished, “When I got home, I told the wife what had happened. She started laughing and said she put ten laxatives in my pasty, as payback for not doing the dishes the night before! It’s safe to say, I will be doing the dishes from now on and that’s the last time I ever buy a Walnut Whip”