Camborne to get Harrods and world’s first Poundland drive thru.

Camborne town is set to become the retail capital of Cornwall when it opens a Harrods and the world’s first Poundland drive thru.


Construction work will begin next month on the old fire station building in College Street, Camborne.

Head of the project, Mark Munday said “Camborne will be the trendiest town in the UK. We’re building the world’s first  Poundland drive thru, then a Harrods and might even get a Nandos! When it’s complete, it will be Cornwall’s answer to London! We were thinking of getting some Boris Bikes for people to hire but changed our minds as they’d probably get nicked.”

Derek Simmons of Cranberry Road, Camborne wasn’t happy about the plans, he said “Poundland drive thru ain’t no good to me, I don’t drive and what do we want a Harrods for, we’ve already got Jim’s Cash and Carry! I think it’s a waste, they should turn the old first station into something we can all use, like an internet cafe!”

It is not certain when the stores will open, after locals in the town demanded that the construction of KFC in Pool was finished before they carried out any more building work in the town.


Disused mine given go ahead to be turned into flats for the “Up Country”


The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.

Disused mine

Disused mine in Scorrier


The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.

Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”

Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”

Mine Flats

What the new apartments will look like

Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”

The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.



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North Korea halts nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket

North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un has halted his nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket to fire into space.

kim pasty

Kim is some boy mind

It is believed the idea came after a school in Hayle, Cornwall launched the world’s first pasty into orbit yesterday. The pasty, supplied by a Cornish bakery, Rowe’s was attached to a weather balloon and sent into space, it reached over 35,000 meters. It eventually popped and made a safe journey back into Cornwall.

The supreme leader believes he can better the students, by making an actual rocket from pasty, rather than attaching it to a weather balloon. He also believes that using a Philp’s pasty and not a Rowe’s will be the key to his success, he said “They sent a Rowe’s into space, Rowe’s are alright but, I like a Philp’s more! You can’t beat going down Hayle for a nice Philp’s pasty, they’re bleddy ‘ansome! We’ll be the first country in the world to build a Philp’s pasty rocket and send it into space!”

President of the United States, Donald Trump is not concerned about the North Korean Rocket, he said “Our intelligence tells us that North Korea has been unsuccessful so far. Every time they bake off a pasty and take it out the oven, Kim bleddy eats it!”

Supermarket offering FREE large steak pasties to children while their parents shop.

A supermarket is offering free pasties to children while their parents shop in all of its stores across Cornwall.

a margarets pasty

Kernow Shopper is setting up a bakery stand at the front of each shop, serving large steak pasties free to children and available to adults for £5 each.

Barry Bunt, Kernow Shopper chief executive, said: “The original plan was to give out free fruit, but we’re a local supermarket, for local people and fruit comes from all over the world. Every child in Cornwall deserves to eat a large steak pasty whenever they want.”

The oggys will be made at the stores head office in Redruth, by staff dinner lady Margaret, who has a GCSE in home economics. They will then be distributed to the four stores across the Duchy.


Margaret will be making the pasties…

Derek Davis, head of the health service for Cornwall, isn’t happy with the supermarket, he said: “I don’t think it’s right children should be given free pasties and adults have to pay! Everyone should have access to free pasties!”

What are your views on this? Why not  leave a comment on the Cornish News Facebook page…

50 foot Seagull statue to replace St. Ives harbour lighthouse.

sg copy

It was announced today that planning permission has been granted to replace St. Ives lighthouse with a 50 foot seagull statue.

The town has secured two million pounds of E.U. funding for the project.

St. Ives Task Manager, Mark Odgers said “We were lucky to receive this money, it was the last allocation of funds from the European Union after the Brexit vote. With technology these days, lighthouses aren’t really needed and to be honest, we were getting a bit bored of staring at it everyday and decided a change was needed. We had a private meeting and agreed it should be replaced by a statue of a gul. They are lovely birds and a big part of the town. We can’t wait to see new paintings of the harbour once the statue is complete!”

Work will begin next week and will be finished by the end of September.

Building of the Camborne Eye gets the go ahead.

camborne eye pic

70 million pounds has been granted to the district of Camborne, Pool and Redruth to build the Camborne Eye.

The giant ferris wheel will be built on top of Carn Brea, between the Basset Monument and the Castle.

Head of the project. Derek Dawson, of Illogan said “It’s going to be one hell of a sight, towering 135 meters above the Carn. We’ve been granted the full cost of the project, but want to keep some money back for a rainy day and have bought an old big wheel from the local fair. It’s a bit rusty, but we’ve got the local scout group to help paint it with hammerite. From the top, the view will be amazing, you will be able to see some beautiful locations like, Portreath Harbour, Pengegon, Pool Market and Beacon Fish and Chip Shop. We’ll be having a grand opening and have already hired local Karaoke celebrity, DJ Vinyl Richie and the Pool Line Dancers will be coming along too. It’s going to be the best event ever!”

Work is starting within the next few months, but it’s not sure which year it will be finished as the local council are laying the concrete foundations.