Camborne town’s water fountain to be replaced by pasty statue.

pasty statue

A 1 million pound pasty statue will replace Camborne town’s water fountain.

Local building firm, Brian’s Builders have been commissioned to carry out the work. Company director, Brian said, “I usually do odd jobs, like fixing a wall or doing a bit of gardening. I’ve never built a pasty before, but I’ve eaten loads! I’m a Philps man myself, but often go Prima in Scorrier. I’ve started sculpting the pasty in my back garden, It’s so big, I’ll have to leave the back doors of my van open when I drive it up town!”

The 15 foot brass statue will not only represent Cornwalls favourite food, it has been designed to deter vandals by being too steep and too slippery for drunk people to climb.

Sheila Sandoe, head of the Camborne Pasty Statue Committee said, “We started planning this project last year and bought all the different pasties in the town. We then ate all the pasties and tried to decide which ones we liked most. We couldn’t decide, so we got them all again and eventually agreed that we liked Rowes the most. So, the statue is a Rowes pasty, but you could call it a Philps or Warrens or whatever you wanted really I guess it doesn’t matter. At Christmas, instead of a tree we’re going to put a few lights on the pasty it will look really nice!”

Work will begin next month and is expected to be complete by Christmas. The current fountain statue will be relocated at the Rosewarne car park next to the toilets.

 

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Penlee Quarry in Cornwall to become worlds first multi-story car boot sale.

Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.

car boot world pz

 

 

 

 

The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.

The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”

Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”

Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.

Cornish music night cancelled when DJ traps testicles in toilet door

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A Cornish music night was cancelled last night when the DJ accidentally caught his testicles in a toilet door.

The incident happened at the Clipper Bar in Camborne around 8.30pm. Landlord, James Watson saw the incident, he said “Steve was just starting the night, he’d only played a few songs and nipped off to the toilet. The song finished and he wasn’t back. People started cheering because the music had stopped, but all we could hear was Steve shouting “Help!” from the toilet. I rushed down there and he was stood with his chest up to the corner of the toilet cubicle and his balls wedged in the gap of the door, it looked really painful. I don’t know how he ended up like that”

The Ambulance and Fire Brigade were called and Steve, who doesn’t want to give his full name, was cut out of the toilet and carried through the pub face down with his testicles poking out the bottom of the door.

DJ Steve, who is from Camborne, said “I was nipping to the toilet, I knew the song was about to finish but I really needed a pee. I heard the song finish, I quickly turned round and as I twisted, I slipped falling face first into the toilet door hinge. I couldn’t do it again if I tried!”

Steve is making a full recovery in hospital.

Camborne to get Harrods and world’s first Poundland drive thru.

Camborne town is set to become the retail capital of Cornwall when it opens a Harrods and the world’s first Poundland drive thru.

PAY-Fire-Station-For-Sale

Construction work will begin next month on the old fire station building in College Street, Camborne.

Head of the project, Mark Munday said “Camborne will be the trendiest town in the UK. We’re building the world’s first  Poundland drive thru, then a Harrods and might even get a Nandos! When it’s complete, it will be Cornwall’s answer to London! We were thinking of getting some Boris Bikes for people to hire but changed our minds as they’d probably get nicked.”

Derek Simmons of Cranberry Road, Camborne wasn’t happy about the plans, he said “Poundland drive thru ain’t no good to me, I don’t drive and what do we want a Harrods for, we’ve already got Jim’s Cash and Carry! I think it’s a waste, they should turn the old first station into something we can all use, like an internet cafe!”

It is not certain when the stores will open, after locals in the town demanded that the construction of KFC in Pool was finished before they carried out any more building work in the town.

Disused mine given go ahead to be turned into flats for the “Up Country”

 

The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.

Disused mine

Disused mine in Scorrier

 

The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.

Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”

Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”

Mine Flats

What the new apartments will look like

Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”

The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.

 

North Korea halts nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket

North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un has halted his nuclear arms project to build a pasty space rocket to fire into space.

kim pasty

Kim is some boy mind

It is believed the idea came after a school in Hayle, Cornwall launched the world’s first pasty into orbit yesterday. The pasty, supplied by a Cornish bakery, Rowe’s was attached to a weather balloon and sent into space, it reached over 35,000 meters. It eventually popped and made a safe journey back into Cornwall.

The supreme leader believes he can better the students, by making an actual rocket from pasty, rather than attaching it to a weather balloon. He also believes that using a Philp’s pasty and not a Rowe’s will be the key to his success, he said “They sent a Rowe’s into space, Rowe’s are alright but, I like a Philp’s more! You can’t beat going down Hayle for a nice Philp’s pasty, they’re bleddy ‘ansome! We’ll be the first country in the world to build a Philp’s pasty rocket and send it into space!”

President of the United States, Donald Trump is not concerned about the North Korean Rocket, he said “Our intelligence tells us that North Korea has been unsuccessful so far. Every time they bake off a pasty and take it out the oven, Kim bleddy eats it!”

Supermarket offering FREE large steak pasties to children while their parents shop.

A supermarket is offering free pasties to children while their parents shop in all of its stores across Cornwall.

a margarets pasty

Kernow Shopper is setting up a bakery stand at the front of each shop, serving large steak pasties free to children and available to adults for £5 each.

Barry Bunt, Kernow Shopper chief executive, said: “The original plan was to give out free fruit, but we’re a local supermarket, for local people and fruit comes from all over the world. Every child in Cornwall deserves to eat a large steak pasty whenever they want.”

The oggys will be made at the stores head office in Redruth, by staff dinner lady Margaret, who has a GCSE in home economics. They will then be distributed to the four stores across the Duchy.

margaret

Margaret will be making the pasties…

Derek Davis, head of the health service for Cornwall, isn’t happy with the supermarket, he said: “I don’t think it’s right children should be given free pasties and adults have to pay! Everyone should have access to free pasties!”

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