Redruth vows to spend government funding on building a wall to keep out the people of Camborne town.
The town was originally granted a share of 69 million pounds to restore the towns historic buildings and regenerate the area, but after a town meeting it was decided that building a wall near Camborne was the best use of the money.
Redruth Town’s project manager – Peter Pard was excited about his decision, he said “We could have spent the money of fixing up some of the historic buildings in the town, but I think it’s about time we kept those lot out, the Cambornians. If you think about it, we’re doing them a favour as well as they probably don’t want us lot in Camborne, so it’s a win win, not that anyone from Redruth would want to go there.”
The wall is planned to stretch from the A30 at Tolvaddon and will end at Piece pub in Carnkie.
Not everyone is happy with the project, Dave Mitchell from Redruth, said “What a waste of money, I’ll have to drive the long way round now to get to Camborne Wetherspoons, or even worst, jump the train!”
Two drivers were stuck on the A30 yesterday, after offering each other the right of way causing a 20 mile tailback on a junction.
Drivers, Richard Richtwit and Harry Secondhome met on the Boxheater junction along the A30 when the incident happened.
Local witness, Dave from Camborne was stuck in the traffic, he said “They were just sat there, smiling and making hand signals for at least two hours, saying – “No you go!” Then the other one would say, “No you go!” People were beeping their horns and some drivers were hanging out their windows, shouting “Just effing go!!!” It went on for 2 hours, until the bloke in the brand new Mercedes, with a massive box on the roof realised he was actually lost! So he done a u-turn in the middle of the road and went back up the other way! You certainly do get them down here that’s for sure!”
Police are urging motorists to be more considerate towards other road users, as the majority of people in Cornwall are just trying to go about their normal lives and not swanning about the place without a care in the world!
They would also like to remind people of how extremely dangerous it is to perform u-turns in the middle of main roads!
A Cornish man loves Ginsters pasties so much he got their logo tattooed on his ass.
Steve Heller, from Camborne in Cornwall is a huge fan of the pasties and claims to eat at least 3 a day, he said “I love them, they’re so tasty! The other day I was eating two at the same time, one in each hand when I thought – I should get the tattoo! I couldn’t sit down for a couple of days after, but it was well worth it!”
The 39 year old hopes that one day he can visit the factory where they’re made in the north of Cornwall! Ginsters were unavailable for comment.
Plans are underway to build a flagship Ann Summers store in Hayle.
The 1 mile square building will be the biggest in the world, selling everything from adult toys to clothing. Project executive – Terry Todger is very excited with the new shop, he said “This is a great opportunity for the people of Hayle. It will not only bring tens of jobs to the area, extra income and thousands of visitors to the town, it will also put Hayle on the map!”
To keep in with the recent erection of the Asda store in Hayle, Ann Summers will also be a gold building with a male, adult theme statue in the car park.
Although it will be built on the nature reserve, it will not effect the current wildlife there as the building will be built on giant stilts, allowing life to continue under the shop. The store will have a grand opening next year by local radio celebrity and comedian Johnny Crowling.
The Nearly Home Trees along the A30 in Devon have been stolen.
Motorist, Dave Jones of Camborne reported the strange disappearance to Cornish News this morning, he said “I was driving back from London after being a TV extra on the Jeremy Kyle Show. When I left on Friday, the trees were there, but on the way home they were gone! I think people must have stolen them for firewood, you know what it’s like in Devon!”
The trees, situated along the A30, in Devon near the River Wolf are a famous landmark for travellers returning to Cornwall from up country. People often take photos of the trees and post online to tell their friends and family they’re “Nearly Home!”
It’s now believed that people will be forced to take a photo of the portaloo situated in a lay-by a little further down the road to show that they are nearly home!
The Meht office have issued a yellow weather warning, saying there will be 3 feet of snow if Theresa May goes through with a no deal Brexit.
There could also be a pasty shortage with only the big companies like Ginsters left to serve the public lunch.
It is believed that if a Brexit deal is reached then we will just get a bit of rain and all pasties will be restored.
The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.
Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.
Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”
Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.