3 feet of snow expected if there is a no deal Brexit.

The Meht office have issued a yellow weather warning, saying there will be 3 feet of snow if Theresa May goes through with a no deal Brexit.

There could also be a pasty shortage with only the big companies like Ginsters left to serve the public lunch.

It is believed that if a Brexit deal is reached then we will just get a bit of rain and all pasties will be restored.

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Cornwall to face 4 months of mizzle.

The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.

Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.

Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”

Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.

Camborne Mafia disbanded after leader accidentally gets a job.

The notorious gang, the Camborne Mafia are no more! They broke up last week in a dramatic turn of events, which ended in a three chav fight outside Aldi.

Ex member, Wayne Andrews said, “Last week, Darren went into Spar to nick a can of 35p energy drink. The lady behind the counter asked what he was doing and he said he worked there. They knew he didn’t work there, but they played along for a laugh. Within half an hour, they had him out the back sweeping up! When he finished they asked if he actually wanted a job and he said yes! What a dick! We had one rule and that was not to get a job and he broke it! So when he finished his shift, Mikey and me waited outside and jumped him! Done him in good and proper! But, he was the leader and we use to have gang meetings at his house, because his mum was always down the bingo hall. So now we haven’t got anywhere to go, so me and Mikey just hang round outside Aldi.”

It’s believed the gang will be up and running again soon, as Darren keeps turning up late for work at the Spar shop…

Man who was cured by medicinal cannabis arrested for still having cannabis in his body a day after recovery.

fas

Police arrested a man for possession of cannabis yesterday. The man was originally prescribed the herb by the NHS to cure extreme farts but had made a full recovery. On his way to the fish and chip shop, he was stopped and tested by the police for illegal substances. He explained he had been prescribed the drug by his doctor and hadn’t taken any medicine since his recovery, so he must have still had the medicine in his system. The police arrested him immediately.

Arresting officer, PC Barry Bifter, of Barry Police station, said “The suspect may have been prescribed the cannabis, but being fully recovered and still having the drug in your system, you are no longer a patient, but a criminal!”

Since being arrested, the mans farts have started up again, so he is back on the cannabis.

*ORDER NOW* Steve Heller – Bestest Hits So Far CD ALBUM.

Steve Hellers 3rd CD Album

£9.99 including free delivery

To order just follow the link

https://paypal.me/SteveHellerCornwall

CD Cover best 1 copy.jpgSteve Heller has remade and remastered some of his greatest hits so far and put them into a CD, just for you! With 15 Cornish bangers, including his new release “Drecky Never Happens”

  1. Dreckly Never Happens

  2. Like Un

  3. Camborne

  4. Ginsters Paradise

  5. Pasty Shop

  6. Penzance

  7. Redruth

  8. 99 Problems

  9. Dropped Un

  10. My Misses

  11. Pasty Attack

  12. This Is Cornwall

  13. Helston

  14. Welcome To Cornwall

  15. Rattler

 

 

Man arrested for turning Carn Brea boulder into poo shaped Kernow Rock.

A Redruth man was arrested yesterday, after he painted a rock brown on Carn Brea. The 4 foot boulder can be seen from miles around and looks just like poo.

rock

The police were quick to make a statement about the incident. PC nugget, at Troon Police station, said “We arrested a 27 year old Redruth man today. He was held in police custody after turning a granite rock into poo. We urge members of the public to think carefully before participating in the internet game – Kernow Rocks, as you may be damaging public property – which is illegal.”

The internet led game, known as Kernow Rocks was set up a couple of years ago. Members of the group paint rocks and hide them around Cornwall for other members to find and upload pictures onto their Facebook page.