Plans are underway to build a flagship Ann Summers store in Hayle.
The 1 mile square building will be the biggest in the world, selling everything from adult toys to clothing. Project executive – Terry Todger is very excited with the new shop, he said “This is a great opportunity for the people of Hayle. It will not only bring tens of jobs to the area, extra income and thousands of visitors to the town, it will also put Hayle on the map!”
To keep in with the recent erection of the Asda store in Hayle, Ann Summers will also be a gold building with a male, adult theme statue in the car park.
Although it will be built on the nature reserve, it will not effect the current wildlife there as the building will be built on giant stilts, allowing life to continue under the shop. The store will have a grand opening next year by local radio celebrity and comedian Johnny Crowling.
The Nearly Home Trees along the A30 in Devon have been stolen.
Motorist, Dave Jones of Camborne reported the strange disappearance to Cornish News this morning, he said “I was driving back from London after being a TV extra on the Jeremy Kyle Show. When I left on Friday, the trees were there, but on the way home they were gone! I think people must have stolen them for firewood, you know what it’s like in Devon!”
The trees, situated along the A30, in Devon near the River Wolf are a famous landmark for travellers returning to Cornwall from up country. People often take photos of the trees and post online to tell their friends and family they’re “Nearly Home!”
It’s now believed that people will be forced to take a photo of the portaloo situated in a lay-by a little further down the road to show that they are nearly home!
The Meht office have issued a yellow weather warning, saying there will be 3 feet of snow if Theresa May goes through with a no deal Brexit.
There could also be a pasty shortage with only the big companies like Ginsters left to serve the public lunch.
It is believed that if a Brexit deal is reached then we will just get a bit of rain and all pasties will be restored.
The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.
Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.
Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”
Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.
The notorious gang, the Camborne Mafia are no more! They broke up last week in a dramatic turn of events, which ended in a three chav fight outside Aldi.
Ex member, Wayne Andrews said, “Last week, Darren went into Spar to nick a can of 35p energy drink. The lady behind the counter asked what he was doing and he said he worked there. They knew he didn’t work there, but they played along for a laugh. Within half an hour, they had him out the back sweeping up! When he finished they asked if he actually wanted a job and he said yes! What a dick! We had one rule and that was not to get a job and he broke it! So when he finished his shift, Mikey and me waited outside and jumped him! Done him in good and proper! But, he was the leader and we use to have gang meetings at his house, because his mum was always down the bingo hall. So now we haven’t got anywhere to go, so me and Mikey just hang round outside Aldi.”
It’s believed the gang will be up and running again soon, as Darren keeps turning up late for work at the Spar shop…
Police arrested a man for possession of cannabis yesterday. The man was originally prescribed the herb by the NHS to cure extreme farts but had made a full recovery. On his way to the fish and chip shop, he was stopped and tested by the police for illegal substances. He explained he had been prescribed the drug by his doctor and hadn’t taken any medicine since his recovery, so he must have still had the medicine in his system. The police arrested him immediately.
Arresting officer, PC Barry Bifter, of Barry Police station, said “The suspect may have been prescribed the cannabis, but being fully recovered and still having the drug in your system, you are no longer a patient, but a criminal!”
Since being arrested, the mans farts have started up again, so he is back on the cannabis.
Cornwall has been put on an amber weather warning today after the Meht Office warned of hot snow.
The 3 day weather front will cover the whole of the south west with hot snow, also known as rain.
The Meht Office says to take an umbrella if you are heading outdoors as you may suffer hot snow damage to your clothing, also known as getting wet.