A man was left extremely embarrassed today after he soiled himself in a pound shop.
Chris was hoping to blame the fart on an old lady.
Christopher Brown, from Praze-An-Beeble was enjoying an afternoon shopping when disaster struck, he said “I can’t believe what happened! I was stood in the queue at the pound shop, ready to pay for some Walnut Whips. My guts had been playing up all morning and I thought I just needed to fart. There was an old lady stood in front of me and I thought, if I let out a quiet one and it stinks, everyone will just think it’s the old lady. I relaxed and tried slowly squeezing it out. Suddenly, I felt a big bubbling sensation up the side of my body, there was a massive fart noise and I could feel a warm, wet liquid running down the side of my leg – out the side of my shorts. The old lady looked at me and shouted, “My word, you’ve shit yourself!” I dropped my walnut whips and ran out the store!”
Chris quickly exited onto the street and headed to the nearest public toilet, he added “I felt so embarrassed, I snuck down the back road, to the toilets at Rosewarne car park, but they were shut! I was so desperate, I squatted down by a recycling bin, dropped my shorts and let rip! It was the worst moment of my life!”
Chris finally made it to a pub, where he cleaned himself up in the toilet then caught the bus home.
He finished, “When I got home, I told the wife what had happened. She started laughing and said she put ten laxatives in my pasty, as payback for not doing the dishes the night before! It’s safe to say, I will be doing the dishes from now on and that’s the last time I ever buy a Walnut Whip”
Redruth’s legendary nightclub The Zone will be moving next month to the top of Carn Brea.
Construction work for the 5000 capacity super-club has already begun between the castle and monument. The 5 million pound investment will feature 3 floors of – music, lap dancers and even a swimming pool.
Our source, who leaked the information said, “The Zone isn’t just a nightclub, it’s an institution. They’ve been planning the move for some time and this will be the biggest club in the South-West, bringing thousands of people to Redruth every weekend. They decided to put the club on top of Carn Brea because there will be less noise pollution and people will be able to see the club for miles around. It will be amazing, especially with its outdoor stage, with a massive sound system and live bands for the smoking area. Planning permission wasn’t an issue as there is already a restaurant on the hill”
It is also believed that a hotel is being planned at the bottom of the hill to accommodate the massive influx of weekly visitors. Our source added, “Because the club will hold so many people, there is going to be a hotel built where they had previously planned a BMX track. It will have a ski lift from the club to the hotel. The club owner is expecting people to visit the club and participate in the “Zone triple” Where people get drunk at the club Thursday, Friday and Saturday. All drinks will be £1 or less, so people can enjoy themselves without worrying about spending a fortune.”
The grand opening will be held before Christmas with a massive line-up including the world famous DJ – David Guetta.
A pasty shop was forced to evacuate its customers today after a man farted and cleared the place.
The incident happened around noon, at Hall’s Pasty Shop in Hayle. Jane Bunt entered the shop, just as the event unfolded, she said “I popped into Halls for a medium steak, there was a large queue and the shop was very hot and stuffy. Suddenly, the lady in front of me made a strange noise, like she’d been hurt. Then it came – the smell! It smelt like boiled cabbage, damp laundry and cats pee, I’ve never smelt anything like it. A big man looking really embarrassed apologised and rushed out the door onto the street. The lady behind the counter looked pale, she shouted “Everyone get out, we need to close the shop.” It was the strangest and dirtiest thing I’ve ever experienced!”
The shop was closed for twenty minutes, with the windows and doors open to clear the smell. It’s unsure who the farter was, but Hall’s Pasty Shop thinks they’ll never see him again!
A theme park dedicated to pasties will be open next year near Redruth.
Pastyland is currently under construction, opposite Prima Bakeries pasty shop in Scorrier. The 1000 acre site will be the biggest theme park in Cornwall, featuring rides and attractions – all pasty themed.
Site owner – Trevor Ferris came up with the idea whilst eating a pasty at Portreath, he said “I was eating a pasty down Portreath harbour one day and I dropped the bugger. It slid down the harbour slipway and splashed into the water. It reminded me of the log flume down Flambards. I was a bit upset because I’d lost my dinner, but I suddenly realised Cornwall needed a pasty theme park!”
Cornish born, Trevor, who’s known to “have a bob or two” drew up plans right away and submitted them to the council. He added, “It’s gonna be some theme park mind. We’ve got a pasty log flume, pasty roller coaster – even pasty shaped toilets and if you don’t like pasties, we’ve got sausage roll shaped go karts! It really is amazing!
It’s believed the project will create 500 new jobs and bring in a million pound a year to the local area.
A Camborne man was deeply concerned when he realised that, after Brexit he might have to work for a living.
Mark Patrick, of Rose Cottage Camborne had an epiphany whilst watching the TV show – Loose Women, he said “I was watching Loose Women on the telly and they were talking about Brexit and how it would affect us. It suddenly dawned on me, if there were no foreign workers I might have to get a job. I ain’t worked a day in my life and I’m not planning on starting anytime soon!
I thought, there’s only one way I can solve this and went out and bought a lottery ticket! I’m hoping to win the lottery on Saturday, problem solved!”
Mark isn’t the only one concerned, he believes close friends – Nick and Poorly Paul will have to work also!
Plans to build a coffee shop on top of Brown Willy have been given the go ahead.
The project was thought up by the Council who believe it will be perfect for walkers who need a rest-bite after scaling the hill. Coffee shop owner – Keith Richards from Bugle, said “This will be my second coffee shop, I have one already in Bugle. We will be open seven days a week and at weekends, will have live entertainment on top of the hill. I can see people coming from miles!”
Not everyone is happy with the plans, Margaret Bishop from Bodmin, said “What a load of old tripe! If I want a coffee, I have to walk up Brown Willy? No thank you, I’m 107 years old, I can’t be bothered with that, I’ll just go to the pub instead!”
Work has already begun, but with the councils track record, it’s believed the shop won’t be open until early 2030.
A Camborne man was left feeling a bit poorly today, when he mistook poo for a decorated Cornish stone.
Harry Nugget, of Cross Street Camborne, was walking through Pendarves Woods when he discovered the treasure, he said, ” I was out on my usual walk through the woods when I noticed something on the floor. It looked like a brown jagged rock. I got really excited, as I’d heard about a Facebook group that paints rocks and hides them for people to find. I thought, how cool would it be to find a painted rock. When I picked it up, it felt hard. I held it in both hands and examined it. I’ve never seen a real, painted, Cornish rock before and just assumed it was one. After holding it in my hands for a while, I put it in my pocket and sat down to eat my sandwiches. As I started eating, I thought my sandwich smelt off. I put the sandwich back in the bag and started eating some crisps, but I could still smell something bad and my crisps tasted horrible. I looked at my fingers and they were brown! I suddenly realised, the thing in my pocket wasn’t a rock – but poo! I felt so ill!”
Harry hasn’t given up on his treasure hunting and has since found a real rock and hid it in Tehidy Woods, near Camborne.