Police arrested a man for possession of cannabis yesterday. The man was originally prescribed the herb by the NHS to cure extreme farts but had made a full recovery. On his way to the fish and chip shop, he was stopped and tested by the police for illegal substances. He explained he had been prescribed the drug by his doctor and hadn’t taken any medicine since his recovery, so he must have still had the medicine in his system. The police arrested him immediately.
Arresting officer, PC Barry Bifter, of Barry Police station, said “The suspect may have been prescribed the cannabis, but being fully recovered and still having the drug in your system, you are no longer a patient, but a criminal!”
Since being arrested, the mans farts have started up again, so he is back on the cannabis.
Cornwall has been put on an amber weather warning today after the Meht Office warned of hot snow.
The 3 day weather front will cover the whole of the south west with hot snow, also known as rain.
The Meht Office says to take an umbrella if you are heading outdoors as you may suffer hot snow damage to your clothing, also known as getting wet.
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A Redruth man was arrested yesterday, after he painted a rock brown on Carn Brea. The 4 foot boulder can be seen from miles around and looks just like poo.
The police were quick to make a statement about the incident. PC nugget, at Troon Police station, said “We arrested a 27 year old Redruth man today. He was held in police custody after turning a granite rock into poo. We urge members of the public to think carefully before participating in the internet game – Kernow Rocks, as you may be damaging public property – which is illegal.”
The internet led game, known as Kernow Rocks was set up a couple of years ago. Members of the group paint rocks and hide them around Cornwall for other members to find and upload pictures onto their Facebook page.
A man was left extremely embarrassed today after he soiled himself in a pound shop.
Chris was hoping to blame the fart on an old lady.
Christopher Brown, from Praze-An-Beeble was enjoying an afternoon shopping when disaster struck, he said “I can’t believe what happened! I was stood in the queue at the pound shop, ready to pay for some Walnut Whips. My guts had been playing up all morning and I thought I just needed to fart. There was an old lady stood in front of me and I thought, if I let out a quiet one and it stinks, everyone will just think it’s the old lady. I relaxed and tried slowly squeezing it out. Suddenly, I felt a big bubbling sensation up the side of my body, there was a massive fart noise and I could feel a warm, wet liquid running down the side of my leg – out the side of my shorts. The old lady looked at me and shouted, “My word, you’ve shit yourself!” I dropped my walnut whips and ran out the store!”
Chris quickly exited onto the street and headed to the nearest public toilet, he added “I felt so embarrassed, I snuck down the back road, to the toilets at Rosewarne car park, but they were shut! I was so desperate, I squatted down by a recycling bin, dropped my shorts and let rip! It was the worst moment of my life!”
Chris finally made it to a pub, where he cleaned himself up in the toilet then caught the bus home.
He finished, “When I got home, I told the wife what had happened. She started laughing and said she put ten laxatives in my pasty, as payback for not doing the dishes the night before! It’s safe to say, I will be doing the dishes from now on and that’s the last time I ever buy a Walnut Whip”
Redruth’s legendary nightclub The Zone will be moving next month to the top of Carn Brea.
Construction work for the 5000 capacity super-club has already begun between the castle and monument. The 5 million pound investment will feature 3 floors of – music, lap dancers and even a swimming pool.
Our source, who leaked the information said, “The Zone isn’t just a nightclub, it’s an institution. They’ve been planning the move for some time and this will be the biggest club in the South-West, bringing thousands of people to Redruth every weekend. They decided to put the club on top of Carn Brea because there will be less noise pollution and people will be able to see the club for miles around. It will be amazing, especially with its outdoor stage, with a massive sound system and live bands for the smoking area. Planning permission wasn’t an issue as there is already a restaurant on the hill”
It is also believed that a hotel is being planned at the bottom of the hill to accommodate the massive influx of weekly visitors. Our source added, “Because the club will hold so many people, there is going to be a hotel built where they had previously planned a BMX track. It will have a ski lift from the club to the hotel. The club owner is expecting people to visit the club and participate in the “Zone triple” Where people get drunk at the club Thursday, Friday and Saturday. All drinks will be £1 or less, so people can enjoy themselves without worrying about spending a fortune.”
The grand opening will be held before Christmas with a massive line-up including the world famous DJ – David Guetta.
A pasty shop was forced to evacuate its customers today after a man farted and cleared the place.
The incident happened around noon, at Hall’s Pasty Shop in Hayle. Jane Bunt entered the shop, just as the event unfolded, she said “I popped into Halls for a medium steak, there was a large queue and the shop was very hot and stuffy. Suddenly, the lady in front of me made a strange noise, like she’d been hurt. Then it came – the smell! It smelt like boiled cabbage, damp laundry and cats pee, I’ve never smelt anything like it. A big man looking really embarrassed apologised and rushed out the door onto the street. The lady behind the counter looked pale, she shouted “Everyone get out, we need to close the shop.” It was the strangest and dirtiest thing I’ve ever experienced!”
The shop was closed for twenty minutes, with the windows and doors open to clear the smell. It’s unsure who the farter was, but Hall’s Pasty Shop thinks they’ll never see him again!