Weather ALERT – Spider Snow on Christmas Day!

spider snowBritain weather Alert as it will snow spiders on Christmas day!

700mph hour winds will hit the UK tomorrow at 9.34am, bringing snow and spiders from the middle east!

Weather forecasters have warned that it could be the worst weather since 1932.Michael Chips from the MET Office Camborne said “There’s gonna be bleddy snow and spiders pissing down on us! Get as much beer as you can because i’ll tell ‘e something for nothing, once the spiders are here, you wont be leaving the house for a day of two

“The storm is expect to last well into next week and is worst than earlier predicted of just thunders snow!


Man has Cornish Pasty removed from anus.

from ass
A Camborne man was rushed to hospital today to have a Cornish Pasty removed from his anus.

Nigel Truscott, from Pengegon, Camborne is thought to have been performing a strange sex act when the incident happened. His neighbour, Dorean Bunt called the ambulance after spotting Nigel in his back garden, she said “I was doing the dishes when I heard a groaning noise coming from next door. I went outside and saw Nigel lying face down with his trousers round his ankles and the knob end of a pasty sticking out his backside! I quickly ran in and called the ambulance. He was clearly in pain, but I couldn’t help but laugh!”

He was rushed to hoipital and surgeons had to perform an emergency operation. Shortly after the operation began, a fight broke out between two men who were arguing whether the veg inside the pasty was
called turnip or swede!

Recovering in hospital, Nigel told Cornish News, “I’m on the mend and won’t be doing that again!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News


Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

NO SHIT!! It’ll be the Hottest winter for 50 YEARS set to bring MONTHS of Heatwaves to the UK

Stock up on Lynx Africa because you're going to get sweaty

Stock up on Lynx Africa because you’re going to get sweaty

BRITAIN is facing the most boiling winter in more than 50 years with months of heatwaves and sunshine! Roasting temperatures and violent heatwaves could hit as soon as late October as a freak ocean heat in the Atlantic threatens to trigger a historic, nationwide summer winter.

Emergency services have been warned to prepare for a repeat of the devastating 1962/63 summer winter which saw rivers and lakes dry up  across Britain.

The shock warnings have also sparked fears Britain could face fuel and food shortages as the ocean dries up. Meteorologists and oceanographers warn this could be the hottest weather ever!

Summer winter expert Dave Johns said “I advise you to go out and buy as much deodorant as possible because you’ll be sweating a lot! Lynx Africa is a good one, better than Brut!

David Cameron arrives in Cornwall to meet the Camborne Mafia

Dave with the Camborne Mafia

Dave with the Camborne Mafia


By Steve Heller – Cornish News

David Cameron is on holiday in Cornwall again, only this time, he’s come to visit the notorious “Camborne Mafia”

After spending a day mooching round the beach and surfing on his bodyboard, David headed to Pengegon, to rinse it up with the lads.

Speaking exclusively to the Cornish News, the Prime minister said “Wha Gwarn Blud? I’ve come to Pengegon to hang with my Bae’s! We’ve been smashing the Frosties and we’re off to see Dodgy Dave to score half a teenth of dirt bar. When I’m in Cornwall, I like to be around my crew and everyone knows how I love to hug a hoodie! Who know’s one of them may even try to get a job one day!”

Head of the Camborne Mafia, Nigel Curnow said “He always comes down this time of the year! We think it’s funny cause he wears a suit all the time! Reminds me of when the bailiffs came round and took mums DVD player!”

It’s not sure how long Dave will be in Cornwall as the whole of Europe are expecting him to do a bit of work sometime, but nobody’s counting on it!

Camborne Mafia steal Carn Brea Monument and sell it for scrap.

Monument has gone

Monument has gone

The Camborne Mafia strike again! This time stealing the monument at Carn Brea near Redruth.

It is believed the three teenagers stole a crane from a local plant hire and were seen loading the monument on the back of a lorry.

A passer-by, who doesn’t want to be named, was walking her dog when she spotted the incident, Shirley Hall from 6 Pendarves Road, Camborne said “I was walking Max when I saw three young men wearing shell-suits and trainers loading the Carn Brea Monument on the back of the lorry. I heard one of them shout ‘We can get twenty quid for this and buy some baccy and pot!’ I thought it was a little strange, as I’ve never seen a Chav do any work before!”

The young lads are now wanted by the Police and also the Dole Office. Chief Giro Giver-outer, Barry Cash, of the Redruth Job Centre said “The three men are currently claiming job seekers allowance and if they don’t declare the twenty pounds, they will lose their Job Seeker’s Allowance Claim. I suggest they be good little boys and tell us all about it!”

This isn’t the first time the Mafia have caused upset. Last Wednesday they stole fifty pence worth of goods from a pound shop.

Steve Heller – Cornish News

Camborne Mafia steal fifty pence worth of goods from a pound shop

The Police were on the hunt for the self proclaimed “Camborne Mafia” after they stole goods worth fifty pence from the sound as a pound, pound shop in Camborne on Wednesday.

Shop manager, Margret Margretson said “There were three teenagers in the shop, wearing shell-suits and baseball caps. They were being very noisy! One kept shouting “Arse!” and the others would look round to see if anyone noticed, then they would laugh! We think they were looking for a bit of attention. When they left, I noticed they’d stolen something! They could have stolen anything, but they stole half a bar of chocolate! If anyone’s that hard up – they can have the bleddy thing!”

Experts say the Camborne Mafia are not linked to the real Mafia in anyway. If seen in the street the best thing to do is to “Just ignore them!” Enforcement officer Graham James said “You’ll see them hanging round the shop somewhere, or next to a phone box, or sat outside a supermarket. Sometimes drinking cider. They are a bit like farts, nobody likes them and no matter what you do, they’re there when you least expect them!”

It is believed the teenagers are also responsible for a spate of graffiti in and around Camborne.

Do you know who the Camborne Mafia are? Cornish News would love to meet them.

Steve Heller – Cornish News