The UK was hit with another EU blow today, after Santa Claus announced that he may not be able to deliver to Britain after Brexit.
In an interview with Noel Edmunds, on the Swap Shop, he said “After Brexit, I’m not sure whether I can deliver to the United Kingdom. It all depends on the trade deal that is being written up. It’s a shame really, as the UK has enough to be miserable about as it is: always raining, no snow and having to watch Piers Morgan on This Morning. I mean, it’s pretty dismal in the UK already, but who know’s what will happen in the next few weeks, we’ll just have to wait and see!”
Santa told us to not worry, he added “This Christmas will not be effected, so don’t forget to leave your beer and pies out, because this year, I’ll definitely be squeezing my fat ass down your chimney.”
Mobile phone provider o2 made an apology today after it ran out of credit, leaving millions of people without a mobile phone signal.
Customer, Neil Young was furious with the apology, he said “The cheeky buggers “text” everyone to say sorry, but nobody can read it, because our phones don’t work. I wan’t compensation!”
Head of o2, Barry Big Balls sent Cornish News the text, luckily we use Vodafone, he said ” o2 would like to apologise for the balls up, we run out of credit and don’t get paid until next Friday, so we won’t be able to get it on until we get paid! I’ve been using the free wifi in Mc. Donald’s, it’s a bit slow, but it’s better than nothing!”
A family in Cornwall were ordered to take down their Christmas decorations today after the council said “It wasn’t festive.”
The Stringer family in Camborne Cornwall decorated the roof of their house with the word “mush” which is a slang word used in Cornwall meaning man, or friend. After a neighbour reported the family, the council sent them a letter asking them to take down the lights as the word “mush” wasn’t very festive.
Steven Stringer who put up the lights said, “We thought we’d put up decorations that meant something. In our house, we call each other mush all the time and even our friends call us mush. You know, like “Alright mush!” It’s just a friendly gesture, I can’t believe the council asked me to remove it!”
A spokesman for the council, said “We encourage people to get into the festive spirit, but unfortunately the word mush isn’t festive at all. If people are going to decorate their houses it needs to be in the theme of Christmas.”
The Pretty Tatties pasty shop in Camborne are selling pasties in blankets this Christmas.
For £6 you will get a medium steak pasty, wrapped in fresh local bacon. They are also selling a vegetarian version which is their vegetable pasty wrapped in bacon, which is also £6.
Owner of the Pretty Tatties pasty shop in Commercial Street Camborne, Adrian Oggyson, said “Every big retailer has gone crazy for pigs in blankets this year! They’re nothing new and I’m not sure what all the fuss is about! In Scotland, you can get battered pigs in blankets and one supermarket is selling a foot long. Has Christmas got that boring that they have to promote everyday items! What’s next? A football sized sprout? I’ve decided to do something original and I think the pasty in blanket will really take off.”
The offer will be run until January the 1st where it will be changed to the keep fit pasty which is a pasty with no pastry, or as some call it – stew.
A Cornish school sports day was cancelled today when a teacher mistook a parents fart for thunder.
The incident happened at Treday school, near Redruth earlier this afternoon. Parents were left baffled when the headteacher, Mr. Hawk also known as Chalky Hawky called off the event.
Parent, Margaret Banon was watching her son Tony in the egg and spoon race when it happened, she said “Tony was winning the egg and spoon race and old Chalky Hawky was stood at the finish line. Next minute, a big dad who was stood next to him, lifted his leg and let out this massive fart. His ass was so big, it must have travelled a fair old distance from his bum hole, down the crack of his ass before it actually surfaced and made a noise. It was beastly and even sounded like thunder! But Chalky was concentrating on the race so much, the noise made him jump. He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds, so he ordered everyone to stop what they were doing and return to the class room immediately. He then made a bizarre announcement, saying there was thunder and lightning. I think he was the only one who didn’t realise it was a fart”
A parent called Karen was so angry, she threatened to complain to Ofsted, she said “I was so upset I demanded to see the headmaster immediately. The headmaster apologised but it wasn’t enough. I want to speak to Ofsted and I will be claiming compensation as I took the afternoon off work and even drove two miles to get here, which costs money too you know!”
It’s not sure if the sports day is being rescheduled.
The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.
Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.
Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”
Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.
The notorious gang, the Camborne Mafia are no more! They broke up last week in a dramatic turn of events, which ended in a three chav fight outside Aldi.
Ex member, Wayne Andrews said, “Last week, Darren went into Spar to nick a can of 35p energy drink. The lady behind the counter asked what he was doing and he said he worked there. They knew he didn’t work there, but they played along for a laugh. Within half an hour, they had him out the back sweeping up! When he finished they asked if he actually wanted a job and he said yes! What a dick! We had one rule and that was not to get a job and he broke it! So when he finished his shift, Mikey and me waited outside and jumped him! Done him in good and proper! But, he was the leader and we use to have gang meetings at his house, because his mum was always down the bingo hall. So now we haven’t got anywhere to go, so me and Mikey just hang round outside Aldi.”
It’s believed the gang will be up and running again soon, as Darren keeps turning up late for work at the Spar shop…