School sports day cancelled after teacher mistakes fart for thunder and lightning.

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A Cornish school sports day was cancelled today when a teacher mistook a parents fart for thunder.

The incident happened at Treday school, near Redruth earlier this afternoon. Parents were left baffled when the headteacher, Mr. Hawk also known as Chalky Hawky called off the event.

Parent, Margaret Banon was watching her son Tony in the egg and spoon race when it happened, she said “Tony was winning the egg and spoon race and old Chalky Hawky was stood at the finish line. Next minute, a big dad who was stood next to him, lifted his leg and let out this massive fart. His ass was so big, it must have travelled a fair old distance from his bum hole, down the crack of his ass before it actually surfaced and made a noise. It was beastly and even sounded like thunder! But Chalky was concentrating on the race so much, the noise made him jump. He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds, so he ordered everyone to stop what they were doing and return to the class room immediately. He then made a bizarre announcement, saying there was thunder and lightning. I think he was the only one who didn’t realise it was a fart”

A parent called Karen was so angry, she threatened to complain to Ofsted, she said “I was so upset I demanded to see the headmaster immediately. The headmaster apologised but it wasn’t enough. I want to speak to Ofsted and I will be claiming compensation as I took the afternoon off work and even drove two miles to get here, which costs money too you know!”

It’s not sure if the sports day is being rescheduled.

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Cornwall to face 4 months of mizzle.

The Meht Office have issued a pink weather warning today, saying Cornwall will be hit by 4 months of mizzle.

Mizzle is a mysterious type of weather that only occurs in Cornwall. A cross between mist and drizzle and you have mizzle.

Head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins said, “The weather is gonna be beastly, with 4 months of mizzle. It’s gonna be depressing as hell!”

Derek advises everyone to stay indoors and watch EastEnders.

Camborne Mafia disbanded after leader accidentally gets a job.

The notorious gang, the Camborne Mafia are no more! They broke up last week in a dramatic turn of events, which ended in a three chav fight outside Aldi.

Ex member, Wayne Andrews said, “Last week, Darren went into Spar to nick a can of 35p energy drink. The lady behind the counter asked what he was doing and he said he worked there. They knew he didn’t work there, but they played along for a laugh. Within half an hour, they had him out the back sweeping up! When he finished they asked if he actually wanted a job and he said yes! What a dick! We had one rule and that was not to get a job and he broke it! So when he finished his shift, Mikey and me waited outside and jumped him! Done him in good and proper! But, he was the leader and we use to have gang meetings at his house, because his mum was always down the bingo hall. So now we haven’t got anywhere to go, so me and Mikey just hang round outside Aldi.”

It’s believed the gang will be up and running again soon, as Darren keeps turning up late for work at the Spar shop…

Camborne Santa caught shoplifting.

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A man dressed as Santa was caught shoplifting in Camborne today. Security managed to stop the man when they grabbed him by the sack.

Security guard, Derek Wiseman of the Chocolate Box pound shop captured the thief, he said “I was stood in the shop and suddenly this scruffy looking Santa came through the door carrying a black sack. Apart from the fact he was dressed like Santa, he was looking rather dodgy. He kept looking round to see if anyone was watching before stuffing a load of Lynx Africa into his bag. As he tried to leave the shop, he saw me and started running. I chased him down into the square, where I managed to grab his sack. He tripped and I landed on him. I gripped him and his sack very tightly until the police arrived. That’s the first time I’ve come across a thieving Santa, it was weird!”

The man was later named as 32 year old, Harry Sack, of Fore Street Camborne. He will face trial later this month at Truro Crown Court.

The Meht Office say we’ll get snow dreckly.

Speech bubble drawn on the snow

The Meht Office have confirmed we will be getting snow, dreckly.

Camborne’s head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins gave the report this morning on his Facebook profile, he said “We’ve been looking at the weather maps and can’t make head nor tail of them. We’ve been struggling in the office ever since they upgraded our computer from Windows 98 to Windows Xp. The only good thing is, Solitaire still works.”

Yesterday they reported that we will be getting a heatwave on Christmas day. The only thing Derek is certain about, is that we will be getting a completely different weather forecast tomorrow.

It will be hotter than your mum this Christmas.

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The Meht Office has reported that we are set for a heatwave in December which will last through until early next year.

Weather reporter, Derek Hutchins, said “It’s gonna be hot, so hot. Christmas day will be hotter than your mum and that’s bleddy hot! Expect the beaches to be stacked out and  crawling with emmets!”

Some news agencies are reporting that it will be snowing on Christmas, but they’ll say anything!

The Meht Office have advised to stock up on sun cream and ask for speedos as a Christmas present! They also said to enjoy it while you can, because it will be pissing down in February.

 

Camborne man says the problem with KFC is that it only sells chicken.

kfc poolA Camborne man has criticised the new KFC in Pool for “only selling chicken.”

32 year old, Kevin Cock from Pendarves Street Camborne posted the comment on the KFC Pool Facebook page, he said “Went KFC Pool today and was disappointed. The problem with that shop is, it only sells chicken!”

Manager Derek Davies replied to the comment, he said “I hate to break it to you pal, but the clue as to why we only sell chicken is in the title!”

Kevin didn’t reply and was last seen outside Mc Donalds.