Camborne Santa caught shoplifting.

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A man dressed as Santa was caught shoplifting in Camborne today. Security managed to stop the man when they grabbed him by the sack.

Security guard, Derek Wiseman of the Chocolate Box pound shop captured the thief, he said “I was stood in the shop and suddenly this scruffy looking Santa came through the door carrying a black sack. Apart from the fact he was dressed like Santa, he was looking rather dodgy. He kept looking round to see if anyone was watching before stuffing a load of Lynx Africa into his bag. As he tried to leave the shop, he saw me and started running. I chased him down into the square, where I managed to grab his sack. He tripped and I landed on him. I gripped him and his sack very tightly until the police arrived. That’s the first time I’ve come across a thieving Santa, it was weird!”

The man was later named as 32 year old, Harry Sack, of Fore Street Camborne. He will face trial later this month at Truro Crown Court.

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Camborne to become an independent country

cornish news camborneCamborne will soon become an independent nation, after locals voted to leave the UK.

Last week, down at the Royal Legion, a crowd of 15 people voted for independence.

Freddy Bunt, from Weeth Lane said “We were all in the club talking about Cornwall becoming independant. We thought most people weren’t interested, so we said “Bugger it!” We’ll vote for Camborne town to become its own independent Country!”

The U.K. government passed the decision within 2 hours. Adam Hole from Troon said “The English Prime Minister granted our wish as quickly as possible. It was like he didn’t want Camborne to be part of the U.K.

The council have now started fencing around town, starting at Mc. Donalds Pool.

People will now need a passport to enter and leave the Country.

It is thought they will legalise cannabis for their main source of revenue and chancellor Malcolm Richards has calculated that Camborne will be one of the richest countries in the world. He said “We were concerned about where our money would come from, so we spoke to a few people in town hanging round the square, drinking cider. We asked, “What could Camborne produce, in order to sustain a healthy economy?” One of the men swiftly replied “Weed!” It seemed a bit off at first, but when we looked at the figures, Camborne will be more well off than USA!”

Camborne leaving Cornwall and the U.K. has caused quite a stir. It is rumored when other towns in Cornwall heard about how rich Camborne will be, they asked to join in! Freddy Bunt said “We were back in the Legion looking at how much money could be made from weed, when Mark James uncle called from Penzance. Well, Marks uncle Craig, knows the truck brothers down Penzance, heard of they ‘av ‘e? You knaw! The truck brothers, Kevin and Ross Truck, Jimmy’s boys. Got that second hand shop opposite the Corner to Corner Pasty shop! You knaw! Anyway, when Mark told Craig, Craig told the truck brothers and they were jumping! They wanted to get Penzance to merge and call Penzance “West Camborne.” Thing is though, nobody wanted anything to do with Camborne before, but now, everyone wants to be part of it! Bollocks to them, who’s laughing now! When we get our first batch of money, we’re going to put the dodgems in the middle of the square, with a burger wagon and candy floss machine, all for free!”

Not everyone in Camborne has backed the move! Shirley Prisk who lives up behind the Red Jackets said “Selling weed legally! What? That’s alright for some people, but the old dealers are going to be put out of business! Then all they’ll have to live on is their dole money each week! Bleddy stupid!”

Is 15 year old Harley the tallest Cornishman?

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

Cornish News was contacted this week by Donna from Penzance. She told us about her 15 year old son Harley. Harley is not your average teenager, he stands at 6ft5 and is possibly the tallest Cornishman.

Mum Donna claims his size is all down to being brought up on pasties from an early age, she said “Start em young! 1 yr old and fed on Pasties! He’s a Pastyfarian at heart and has been eating them since he was a baby! Pasties make a louster of a boy! Ansome! Fed on they pasties!”

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Cornish people are known for being short. A famous Cornish comedian, who stands at 6ft3, was once told he couldn’t be Cornish, because he was too tall! There are also a lot of old houses in Cornwall, with low entrances. They can be seen all over the Duchy, including the main street of St. Ives.

Cornish News editor Steve Heller, who stands at a whopping 5ft5, is one of the taller members of his family. He didn’t quite believe Harleys story! Replying to Donnas comment on Facebook, he said “Cornish? Too tall to be Cornish, surely?” Which met a quick reply from Harleys friend, who said “Deffo, still growing. He’s still at school and as Cornish as they come!” His mum also replied “Never too tall to be Cornish! Proper bloodline, over 3 generations on both sides and fed on they pasties, they make em as wide, as they do high!”

Cornish News always believed that the Kernow King was the tallest Cornishman, but after contacting him, on his Australian tour, he confirmed he is 6ft3.

Could Harley be the tallest Cornishman?

If you know a proper Cornish man or woman who is taller, we would love to hear from you! Just contact Steve Heller on the Cornish News Facebook page.

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4

Camborne to become Cornwall’s number one tourist destination!

Camborne Town

Camborne Town

Cornish tourist experts believe Camborne will be the hottest holiday destination this summer – when new hotels will be built in the town! Keith Curnow – head of the Tourist Committee, said “The town has a lot of potential and we really think it’s going to kick off in Camborne this summer! Holiday makers have been to Newquay, St. Ives and Falmouth but nobody has explored Camborne! Now it’s got a couple of Hotels and even a Costa – Camborne will be where it’s at this year!”

The town saw it’s first influx of visitors today, as they arrived for the Easter weekend. Mr. Smith from Up-Country said “Our neighbours Mr. and Mrs. Jones are off to St. Ives this summer! Ha!! We told them we were going to St. Ives. If we said we were heading to Camborne, they would have gone to Redruth or something to get one up on us! We’re really ahead of our game here! Camborne is a virgin to us tourists! We didn’t even know it existed until last year when we accidently took the wrong turning off the A30. We’ve visited all the main attractions in the town and yesterday had a nice pint in a pub called the Clipper! It was lovely! We were told by a lovely man who was decorated with tattoos from head to toe that there is a boutique in the town that sold jackets with prints of different types of animals, like wolves and cats. We can’t wait for that!”

Not everyone is happy about Cambornes new found fame! One local, who didn’t want to be named, made a comment to the Cornish News. Unfortunately, he spoke so fast and with such a deep Cornish accent, all we could understand him saying was “fu**ing” in-between every other word. We do believe he was extremely angry though, as he said the whole statement in one five minute long sentence and by the end he was bright red with a vein popping out his head!

It is believed if the town see’s a growth in visitors, they will be using the extra income to hire Jeremy Clarkson to turn on this years Christmas lights!

Dangerous “Cut and Shut” Pasties containing carrots are being sold in Camborne.

A Cut and Shut Pasty

A Cut and Shut Pasty

The Pasty Police have been hunting down a black market Pasty seller in Camborne who has been selling “Cut and Shut” Pasties.

It is believed the organised criminal gang are operating from a mobile Pasty van in the area, called “The Pasty Wagon.”

Head of the Pasty Police said “We had a member of the public report some dodgey goings on in the Pengeggon area last week. Someone bought a Pasty for £3 thinking it was a beautiful Cornish Oven Flaky, only to get half way down and bite into a cold petrol station Pasty that was made with minced meat and then they choked on some carrot. We think the perpetrators are buying the best pasties and the worst, then glueing them together and leaving the nice half sticking out the bag to deceive customers. This is against the law!”

We managed to get a short interview with the victim who is recovering in hospital, they said “I thought something was up, when the man served me from the pasty wagon, he seemed really shifty. I bought the pasty, bit into it and thought “Bleddy ‘ansome” but when I got half way down, I started choking, it was all cold and beastly. I spat it out on the floor! F@#KING CARROT! I thought I was going to die there and then, I called the emergency services and they were so concerned, they sent the army in an Apache helicopter to rush me to Treliske Hospital!”

The Pasty Police concluded “Due to the recent legislation about Cornish Pasties, it seems there are now a lot of Pasties being sold on the Black Market! Please watch out, as we all know Cornish people are highly allergic to carrots and it’s only a matter of time before some poor bugger dies from one! If you spot any suspicious behavior call the Pasty Police immediately.”

Aliens spotted running AWAY from Camborne Town Centre.

Aliens were scared of teenage girl who was like mutton dressed as pig.

Aliens were scared of teenage girl who was like mutton dressed as pig.

UFO experts were in Camborne Town yesterday investigating claims that Aliens were seen running away from the town.

The incident happened during the town’s busiest period – about 1pm on Saturday afternoon.

Joe Seymore saw the Aliens heading towards the town. He said “I noticed a group of four people walking down the street and didn’t think much of it. When I got closer, I noticed they had funny shaped heads. I still didn’t think nothing of it. Then when I got right next to them, I noticed one of them had a gun, a bit like one of those super soaker water pistols. I looked really close at them; they had big bulbos heads, grey skin and big oval eyes. At first I thought; “I wish they bleddy teenagers would stop smoking weed!” I listened in and they were speaking really weird. It was like talking, but it sounded like the old internet noise; screeching and distorting noises! I looked up in the sky and saw a spaceship – like you see on TV! I thought; “there is no way these teenage pot heads could afford a spaceship like that!” That’s when I realized they were Aliens from another planet and I think they were up to no good because they had a gun!”

Joe hid in the graveyard opposite the Cornish Cooker Pasty Shop. He then called the police on their non urgent number 101. He said “I called 101, as I didn’t want to cause a fuss. I sat behind a big tree in the graveyard, then I heard the aliens talking, but it sounded like they were panicking. They were running really fast. They got to the car park in the Pasty Shop and the spaceship picked them up!”

Owner of Jowes Pasty shop in the town square said “I was in the shop when all of a sudden I heard this noise, I looked out the door and there was Aliens in the square, four of the buggers. I thought, chroist, this town’s getting worse. Everyone was looking at them. Then this teenage girl, wearing black leggings and painted on eyebrows tried taking a selfie with them. She was hangin’ though, like mutton dressed as pig! They took one look at her, then all looked at each other, turned round and ran away, gone – quicker than your grans giro! One thing’s for sure though – we won’t be seeing they silly buggers again. “PAHHH!” You should of seen them, they thought they were some boy’s mind. Even if they did think they could take over the town, they would have to get past the Taxi Twins first! Alien twats!”

UFO expert David Davids from Penryn said “It’s unusual for anything to happen in Camborne and we think they may have searched on the internet and noticed some of the locals and thought they were also aliens. Sadly it’s given earth a bad name and we doubt any life beyond earth will dare contact us ever again!”

If you have ever seen a UFO or have pictures then please send them to Cornish News.

In regards to “MAN WHO HAS NEVER HAD A JOB” published 25th October

 

On 25th October the Cornish News published a story about a 53 year old man from Camborne.

We claimed he had celebrated after getting his first ever job.

We would like to apologise to our readers and the man, as this story was not accurate.

We would like to make it clear that the man, who claims to be “Living the Cornish Dream” is, in fact, still on the dole and only went to the job interview so the social would not stop his money.

We have removed the article and are very, very sorry.

We hope this doesn’t ruin the man’s image.

Cornish News