Man shouts “I am the Veganator” before hitting diner over the head with cucumber.

A weekly steak night was turned into chaos last night when a crazed man ran into a pub shouting, “I am the Veganator” before hitting a customer over the head with a cucumber.

Veganator

Man shouted “I am the Veganator!”

 

The incident happened around 6pm, at the London pub in Redruth, which holds a steak night every Monday. Pub owner, Derek Chapman said, “It was just a normal night, about 30 people sat down enjoying their steak and chips. Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard an angry roar. It happened so quick, it was like a dream, surreal. Suddenly, a man with a moustache and his hair tied in a bun came charging through the door. He ran up to the first table and shouted “I am the Veganator!” Then pulled a cucumber out his pants and hit Freddy Gribble over the head. The cucumber snapped and one half landed in Freddies pint. The whole pub fell silent and all you could hear was the jukebox playing Black Eyed Peas. I must admit, that’s never happened at one of our steak nights before.”

The London Inn

The London Inn – Redruth

 

The attacker quickly fled the scene and the episode was over within minutes.

Freddy Gribble from St. Day near Redruth said, “I go to the steak night every week and always sit next to the entrance. Nothing strange ever happens, apart from once when they had a twenty minute power cut and I fell over trying to find my way to the toilet. But tonight, I was just sat there as usual enjoying my tea. Then, the door burst open and this bloke hit me over the head. Before I knew it, he ran out the door again. It happened so quick, everyone was looking at each other like, “What the hell just happened?” I’m not taking any chances next week, I’m going to sit well away from the front door, sod that.”

 

Pub landlord, Derek has decided not to pursue the incident, as nobody was hurt but will remain vigilant in case of a repeat attack.

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Disused mine given go ahead to be turned into flats for the “Up Country”

 

The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.

Disused mine

Disused mine in Scorrier

 

The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.

Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”

Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”

Mine Flats

What the new apartments will look like

Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”

The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.

 

Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

7 signs you are becoming a grumpy old Cornishman

Photo of Jon Goodman...

Photo of Jon Goodman…

Life is a pain in the ass! Even more so, if you live in Cornwall! Everyone thinks it’s a doddle, but it’s really easy to get wound up down ‘ere!

One minute you’re enjoying a sangwich – the next, a bleddy seagull’s nicked it. Then it pisses down with rain and on the drive home, you get stuck behind a traktor.

Every mishap draws you one step closer to becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Here are the 7 signs, that it’s happening to you…

1 Distrust…
You’re proper Cornish, laid back, friendly and sometimes soft. The problem is, people take advantage of this! For every time you’re tucked up, you gain one more ounce of distrust. In the end, you turn into a suspicious old goat, functioning only on a “Guilty, until proven innocent” policy.

2 Stories…
You’re some boy mind! You’ve done some bleddy things in your time, ain’t ‘e! “Chroist!”

Sadly, holding a conversation with you, is impossible. You can’t help it! As soon as someone starts talking, you bombard them with stories!

For example, your nephew mentions he went to Camborne Wetherspoons. So your nephew is in mid-sentence, he’ll be finished in about two seconds. BUT NO! You get excited and cut him off, “Wetherspoons, I remember when it was the Berkley Centre. They use to have 3 rooms and one was all pink and played Music Videos!” Your nephew will then attempt to finish his conversation, but as soon as he opens his mouth, you’re off again “Yeah, Music Videos! I bet you can’t remember videos can ‘e? I got 400 videotapes in the front room! Come on boy, I’ll show ‘e!” The original conversation is extinct and you’re now showing off your collection of crappy video tapes.

3 Ranting…
Sometimes you rant, but you’re in fact joking! “Low pay, raining, too hot, can’t afford a house, pasty is cold, seagulls shitting everywhere, bleddy emmets, crap on TV, boring, traffic, roadworks, “NOT another £1 shop, how many bleddy air fresheners and bin liners does Cornwall need?”

Well, you pretend you’re joking, but you’re ranting. You actually build up a little repertoire of rants, that you’ve heard from all over Cornwall, usually when you’ve bumped into someone and have nothing to talk about! Don’t forget to use your best Jethro or Kernow King impression – as you’re banging on!

Some people will laugh and when they don’t… well, it’s ok, cause you weren’t even joking, were you?

4 Pasty Aggressive…
Cornish are known to be passive aggressive, or as I read somewhere… Pasty Aggressive!
You find yourself being really nice to people in conversation, but when they’re gone, you start running them down! You don’t mean to do it, but you trust no one and suspect they do exactly the same thing when you’re not there!

5 You repeat yourself…
That’s right, you repeat yourself! Sadly, your range of yarns only stretch so far! After showing your nephew your videos, he’ll say something like “Have you played the new COD game yet?” Even though you know it’s a video game, you’ll bust out with a joke, like “COD, yeah I love cod and chips!” Followed by two minutes of laughing at your own joke. Then, the next ten minutes repeating the story about when you went fishing down Marazion and almost caught a twenty pound cod.

6 Your voice deepens into a proper Cornishman.
Young Cornish people rarely sound Cornish. As they get older, something happens to their voices and they end up talking in either a really slow deep voice, or a really fast high pitched voice! Maybe, it’s the years of Jethro and Kernow King impersonations?

Or maybe it’s because, as you get older, gravity ways down your balls. This stretches your vocal chords and makes you have a deeper voice. But If you talk with a really fast, high pitched voice, it’s obvious your balls have stretched too far. You talk as fast as possible, as your stretched scrotum, makes it too painful to speak!

7 Random noises and sayings…
No grumpy old Cornishman is complete without the sayings and weird noises. You knaw the ones! When it’s cold, you shout “WUUH!” Or the high pitched ” OW MUCH!” followed by “Strewth!” When you’ve been told the price of anything. “WUUH” Also comes before a few phrases like “WUUH, Some boy mind!” and an “AGHHHU Beastly!” And not forgetting my favourite… “SHIT… THE… BED!”

So there you go… 7 signs you’re becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Don’t panic though, you may become a miserable old fart, who trusts no one, but at least you’ll have a massive set of dangling balls!

Ford Capri pulled from lake still had Pirate FM sticker in the window

Cornish News pirate fmA swimmer has found a Ford Capri at the bottom of a Nottinghamshire lake . Darren Warren made the discovery when he was swimming and spotted purple object under water.

He soon realised the purple object was in fact a Pirate FM 102 car sticker. It was stuck to the rear window of a Ford Capri.

The radio station sticker was proof that the car was originally from Cornwall.

The police believe the “Poor Man’s Sports Car” wasn’t stolen, but actually dumped by a panicked Cornish Man, who tried to leave Cornwall!

PC Kevin, of the Nottingham police force said “For some unknown reason, a Cornishman has obviously ventured out of Cornwall and crossed the border into England. He’s freaked  out and crashed the car into the lake. We think he then ran 310 miles back home. He’s probably still in the Duchy to this day!”

Further investigation concluded, the car originated from Camborne, as the vehicle had no tax or MOT.

The Nottinghamshire County Council say the car will be scrapped, but they are keeping the Pirate FM sticker.

NASA UFO sighting in outer space was in fact Flambards plane

Original shot from NASA camera

Original shot from NASA camera

The mysterious UFO that was spotted on NASA’s space camera has been identified as the Flambards plane.

The UFO was caught on NASA’s space camera earlier this year. The NASA version of the film cuts out after 2 seconds, just as the UFO appears on screen.

Tony Trevaskis of Trenere Estate Penzance, sent the Cornish News an unedited version of the film, taken from a different angle.

We were shocked to find, that the UFO, which was originally thought to be aliens from another planet, was, in fact, the Flambards plane that is often seen flying over towns and beaches in Cornwall, during the summer.

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

Tony Trevaskis said, “I couldn’t bleddy believe it, I was having a mooch online at the Trago Webcam from outer space! I thought, “av a look at that!” After a couple minutes, I saw that bleddy plane, that flies over Portreath beach with the Flambards banner on it! I thought “Shit the bed, that plane gets everywhere!” I always wondered where that thing went after it flew over Portreath. Because you don’t see it fly back the other way! It must fly over the beach then go up into space! Matey flying that must have some balls on him to do that!”

It’s not been officially identified as the Flambards plane, but looking at the pictures, you can see for yourself!

Have you spotted a UFO lately? If so, please tell us on the Cornish News Facebook page!

Man found hanging on engine house by his scrotum

barA Camborne man was in hospital last night after an accident left him hanging by his scrotum.

Harry Sack, who lives in Fore Street, Camborne was out walking his dog at the Queen Matilda mine in Camborne, when the accident happened.

Mark Knight who was at the scene, said “I was out taking my Jack Russell, Freddy out for a walk. Freddy is a lovely dog. Had him for 6 years now, since a puppy! We got him off James Jackson from up Mount Ambrose! Knaw him do ‘e? James is some boy, breeds all types of dogs and cats. Can be a bit expensive though, but he done me a favour and I got Freddy for cheap, because I done a bit of work for James a couple of years ago! I fitted his new kitchen for him! Done a lovely job I did. He bought all the materials and I fitted it! Wasn’t bad really, because James brother Michael, who I sometimes play darts with down the Oxford, you MUST know Michael! Tall, about 5ft6 dark hair and talks out the side of his mouth!? Anyway, we were both down James house and Michael asked if I knew how to do plumbing, because his toilet was leaking. Well, I can do all sorts really; plumbing, carpentry, building and a bit of electrical work! So, Michael had me fix his toilet and I made a bit of money from that! Cash in hand of course, but don’t tell anyone! So there you go! Anyway, what the bleddy hell was I going on about? Um… I forgot now! Chroist, what am I like! That’s it… I was walking past the engine house, on Queen Matilda mine and when I looked up, Harry was dangling by his balls!”

When Mark saw Harry, he rushed over and tried to help, Mark added “I rushed over and didn’t really know what to do. Harry was flapping his arms and screaming “Help! Help!” So I shouted “How the hell did you do that!” It was funny really, seeing him panicking like that! I went and got a big stick and I pushed him up in the air, just enough to release his ball bag from the rusty bar that he was stuck to! Harry hit the floor like a sack of spuds!”

Harry was taken by air ambulance to Tuckingmill Hospital where he remains in a stable condition!

It is thought the accident happened when Harry needed a wee and tried to wee off an engine house! It is believed the wind blew him and unfortunately he caught on a rusty metal bar!

Police have issued a warning, they said “Mine sites can be very dangerous!”