Angry shopper returns Black Friday TV after discovering it shows the same crap as his old one.

derek hutchins

A bargain hunter from Cornwall returned his TV today, saying “It’s got the same old crap on it as my old TV!”

Derek Hutchins, from Camborne Cornwall bought the TV at his local branch of B&M last Friday, he said “I camped out overnight, in the pissing down rain to get that TV. When the shop doors opened, I had to punch a member of staff in the face to make sure I was first in! I Grabbed the nearest TV I could find and got out quick. I even left my tent in the car park – it was bedlam!

When I got home and switched it on, I soon realised that, TVs ain’t that special, they all show the same old crap!”

Derek was given a full refund and is hoping to get a new microwave in the January sales.

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Thundersnow followed by a heatwave predicted for tomorrow in Cornwall. Here are some safety tips.

Weather forecasters have predicted Thundersnow followed by a heatwave tomorrow. It will begin at 6.17am in Cornwall and will end with a heatwave at 11.54am.

th

The Meht Office are not sure what weather we will be having after that but have given a few tips to ensure you are safe:

  1. If you are travelling: pack a blanket, flask of hot tea, shovel, sun cream, bucket and spade, speedos and flip flops.
  2. Don’t wear your speedos in the snow.
  3. Wear sun cream in the sun.
  4. Don’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency, for example, you are going down to the shop to get a can of Monster, or you’ve run out of Rizlas.
  5. When the heatwave hits, walk around in your speedos and flip flops like you are really cool.

If you follow these tips, you will be safe tomorrow. Next week it will rain.

Penlee Quarry in Cornwall to become worlds first multi-story car boot sale.

Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.

car boot world pz

 

 

 

 

The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.

The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”

Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”

Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.

Man shouts “I am the Veganator” before hitting diner over the head with cucumber.

A weekly steak night was turned into chaos last night when a crazed man ran into a pub shouting, “I am the Veganator” before hitting a customer over the head with a cucumber.

Veganator

Man shouted “I am the Veganator!”

 

The incident happened around 6pm, at the London pub in Redruth, which holds a steak night every Monday. Pub owner, Derek Chapman said, “It was just a normal night, about 30 people sat down enjoying their steak and chips. Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard an angry roar. It happened so quick, it was like a dream, surreal. Suddenly, a man with a moustache and his hair tied in a bun came charging through the door. He ran up to the first table and shouted “I am the Veganator!” Then pulled a cucumber out his pants and hit Freddy Gribble over the head. The cucumber snapped and one half landed in Freddies pint. The whole pub fell silent and all you could hear was the jukebox playing Black Eyed Peas. I must admit, that’s never happened at one of our steak nights before.”

The London Inn

The London Inn – Redruth

 

The attacker quickly fled the scene and the episode was over within minutes.

Freddy Gribble from St. Day near Redruth said, “I go to the steak night every week and always sit next to the entrance. Nothing strange ever happens, apart from once when they had a twenty minute power cut and I fell over trying to find my way to the toilet. But tonight, I was just sat there as usual enjoying my tea. Then, the door burst open and this bloke hit me over the head. Before I knew it, he ran out the door again. It happened so quick, everyone was looking at each other like, “What the hell just happened?” I’m not taking any chances next week, I’m going to sit well away from the front door, sod that.”

 

Pub landlord, Derek has decided not to pursue the incident, as nobody was hurt but will remain vigilant in case of a repeat attack.

Disused mine given go ahead to be turned into flats for the “Up Country”

 

The council have begun working on disused Cornish mines this week, renovating them from old dirty holes into beautiful polished apartments, in a bid to accommodate the estimated half a million people emigrating to Cornwall.

Disused mine

Disused mine in Scorrier

 

The mine site, situated near Scorrier in Redruth is thought to be the first of its kind.

Project manager, Gary Bunt said “When Scorrier was a fully operational mine it was the richest area in the world. These days, all that’s left are a couple of pubs and a petrol station that sells dodgy magazines. Building houses in the mines will bring Scorrier back to its glory days.”

Nigel Pellow, of Treswithian Downs said “Well, best of luck to them I say. I worked down the mines all my life and it was hot and stuffy down there all the time. Silly really, I mean, where are they gonna park? You can’t park down a mine shaft can you? No phone signal either, I bet they won’t get any wi-fi down there and I don’t know about you but, I can’t live without my wi-fi. How are you going to play candy crush with no wi-fi? I don’t know, the council come up with the stupid ideas!”

Mine Flats

What the new apartments will look like

Locals views are split on the proposal, Mary Watson from Mount Ambrose said, “I think it’s lovely, they mines have been empty for years, it’s a waste really. Look on the bright side, bingo up Carharrack village hall will be busier. You never know, it might get so busy, they’ll put on a few snacks, like cold sausage rolls, cocktail pasties and even pineapple on a stick! That would be lovely.”

The two bedroom flats will be complete early next year with a starting price of £350,000 and only available to second homeowners living outside of Cornwall.

 

Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

7 signs you are becoming a grumpy old Cornishman

Photo of Jon Goodman...

Photo of Jon Goodman…

Life is a pain in the ass! Even more so, if you live in Cornwall! Everyone thinks it’s a doddle, but it’s really easy to get wound up down ‘ere!

One minute you’re enjoying a sangwich – the next, a bleddy seagull’s nicked it. Then it pisses down with rain and on the drive home, you get stuck behind a traktor.

Every mishap draws you one step closer to becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Here are the 7 signs, that it’s happening to you…

1 Distrust…
You’re proper Cornish, laid back, friendly and sometimes soft. The problem is, people take advantage of this! For every time you’re tucked up, you gain one more ounce of distrust. In the end, you turn into a suspicious old goat, functioning only on a “Guilty, until proven innocent” policy.

2 Stories…
You’re some boy mind! You’ve done some bleddy things in your time, ain’t ‘e! “Chroist!”

Sadly, holding a conversation with you, is impossible. You can’t help it! As soon as someone starts talking, you bombard them with stories!

For example, your nephew mentions he went to Camborne Wetherspoons. So your nephew is in mid-sentence, he’ll be finished in about two seconds. BUT NO! You get excited and cut him off, “Wetherspoons, I remember when it was the Berkley Centre. They use to have 3 rooms and one was all pink and played Music Videos!” Your nephew will then attempt to finish his conversation, but as soon as he opens his mouth, you’re off again “Yeah, Music Videos! I bet you can’t remember videos can ‘e? I got 400 videotapes in the front room! Come on boy, I’ll show ‘e!” The original conversation is extinct and you’re now showing off your collection of crappy video tapes.

3 Ranting…
Sometimes you rant, but you’re in fact joking! “Low pay, raining, too hot, can’t afford a house, pasty is cold, seagulls shitting everywhere, bleddy emmets, crap on TV, boring, traffic, roadworks, “NOT another £1 shop, how many bleddy air fresheners and bin liners does Cornwall need?”

Well, you pretend you’re joking, but you’re ranting. You actually build up a little repertoire of rants, that you’ve heard from all over Cornwall, usually when you’ve bumped into someone and have nothing to talk about! Don’t forget to use your best Jethro or Kernow King impression – as you’re banging on!

Some people will laugh and when they don’t… well, it’s ok, cause you weren’t even joking, were you?

4 Pasty Aggressive…
Cornish are known to be passive aggressive, or as I read somewhere… Pasty Aggressive!
You find yourself being really nice to people in conversation, but when they’re gone, you start running them down! You don’t mean to do it, but you trust no one and suspect they do exactly the same thing when you’re not there!

5 You repeat yourself…
That’s right, you repeat yourself! Sadly, your range of yarns only stretch so far! After showing your nephew your videos, he’ll say something like “Have you played the new COD game yet?” Even though you know it’s a video game, you’ll bust out with a joke, like “COD, yeah I love cod and chips!” Followed by two minutes of laughing at your own joke. Then, the next ten minutes repeating the story about when you went fishing down Marazion and almost caught a twenty pound cod.

6 Your voice deepens into a proper Cornishman.
Young Cornish people rarely sound Cornish. As they get older, something happens to their voices and they end up talking in either a really slow deep voice, or a really fast high pitched voice! Maybe, it’s the years of Jethro and Kernow King impersonations?

Or maybe it’s because, as you get older, gravity ways down your balls. This stretches your vocal chords and makes you have a deeper voice. But If you talk with a really fast, high pitched voice, it’s obvious your balls have stretched too far. You talk as fast as possible, as your stretched scrotum, makes it too painful to speak!

7 Random noises and sayings…
No grumpy old Cornishman is complete without the sayings and weird noises. You knaw the ones! When it’s cold, you shout “WUUH!” Or the high pitched ” OW MUCH!” followed by “Strewth!” When you’ve been told the price of anything. “WUUH” Also comes before a few phrases like “WUUH, Some boy mind!” and an “AGHHHU Beastly!” And not forgetting my favourite… “SHIT… THE… BED!”

So there you go… 7 signs you’re becoming a grumpy old Cornishman!

Don’t panic though, you may become a miserable old fart, who trusts no one, but at least you’ll have a massive set of dangling balls!