Ford Capri pulled from lake still had Pirate FM sticker in the window

Cornish News pirate fmA swimmer has found a Ford Capri at the bottom of a Nottinghamshire lake . Darren Warren made the discovery when he was swimming and spotted purple object under water.

He soon realised the purple object was in fact a Pirate FM 102 car sticker. It was stuck to the rear window of a Ford Capri.

The radio station sticker was proof that the car was originally from Cornwall.

The police believe the “Poor Man’s Sports Car” wasn’t stolen, but actually dumped by a panicked Cornish Man, who tried to leave Cornwall!

PC Kevin, of the Nottingham police force said “For some unknown reason, a Cornishman has obviously ventured out of Cornwall and crossed the border into England. He’s freaked  out and crashed the car into the lake. We think he then ran 310 miles back home. He’s probably still in the Duchy to this day!”

Further investigation concluded, the car originated from Camborne, as the vehicle had no tax or MOT.

The Nottinghamshire County Council say the car will be scrapped, but they are keeping the Pirate FM sticker.

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NASA UFO sighting in outer space was in fact Flambards plane

Original shot from NASA camera

Original shot from NASA camera

The mysterious UFO that was spotted on NASA’s space camera has been identified as the Flambards plane.

The UFO was caught on NASA’s space camera earlier this year. The NASA version of the film cuts out after 2 seconds, just as the UFO appears on screen.

Tony Trevaskis of Trenere Estate Penzance, sent the Cornish News an unedited version of the film, taken from a different angle.

We were shocked to find, that the UFO, which was originally thought to be aliens from another planet, was, in fact, the Flambards plane that is often seen flying over towns and beaches in Cornwall, during the summer.

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

Tony Trevaskis said, “I couldn’t bleddy believe it, I was having a mooch online at the Trago Webcam from outer space! I thought, “av a look at that!” After a couple minutes, I saw that bleddy plane, that flies over Portreath beach with the Flambards banner on it! I thought “Shit the bed, that plane gets everywhere!” I always wondered where that thing went after it flew over Portreath. Because you don’t see it fly back the other way! It must fly over the beach then go up into space! Matey flying that must have some balls on him to do that!”

It’s not been officially identified as the Flambards plane, but looking at the pictures, you can see for yourself!

Have you spotted a UFO lately? If so, please tell us on the Cornish News Facebook page!

Man found hanging on engine house by his scrotum

barA Camborne man was in hospital last night after an accident left him hanging by his scrotum.

Harry Sack, who lives in Fore Street, Camborne was out walking his dog at the Queen Matilda mine in Camborne, when the accident happened.

Mark Knight who was at the scene, said “I was out taking my Jack Russell, Freddy out for a walk. Freddy is a lovely dog. Had him for 6 years now, since a puppy! We got him off James Jackson from up Mount Ambrose! Knaw him do ‘e? James is some boy, breeds all types of dogs and cats. Can be a bit expensive though, but he done me a favour and I got Freddy for cheap, because I done a bit of work for James a couple of years ago! I fitted his new kitchen for him! Done a lovely job I did. He bought all the materials and I fitted it! Wasn’t bad really, because James brother Michael, who I sometimes play darts with down the Oxford, you MUST know Michael! Tall, about 5ft6 dark hair and talks out the side of his mouth!? Anyway, we were both down James house and Michael asked if I knew how to do plumbing, because his toilet was leaking. Well, I can do all sorts really; plumbing, carpentry, building and a bit of electrical work! So, Michael had me fix his toilet and I made a bit of money from that! Cash in hand of course, but don’t tell anyone! So there you go! Anyway, what the bleddy hell was I going on about? Um… I forgot now! Chroist, what am I like! That’s it… I was walking past the engine house, on Queen Matilda mine and when I looked up, Harry was dangling by his balls!”

When Mark saw Harry, he rushed over and tried to help, Mark added “I rushed over and didn’t really know what to do. Harry was flapping his arms and screaming “Help! Help!” So I shouted “How the hell did you do that!” It was funny really, seeing him panicking like that! I went and got a big stick and I pushed him up in the air, just enough to release his ball bag from the rusty bar that he was stuck to! Harry hit the floor like a sack of spuds!”

Harry was taken by air ambulance to Tuckingmill Hospital where he remains in a stable condition!

It is thought the accident happened when Harry needed a wee and tried to wee off an engine house! It is believed the wind blew him and unfortunately he caught on a rusty metal bar!

Police have issued a warning, they said “Mine sites can be very dangerous!”

Human Race will be extinct, as less people are going out drinking.

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Cornwall’s smartest man, Professor Stephen Tonking, has warned that the decline in drunken socialising, will lead to the extinction of the human race.

In an interview with Pasty FM 103, he said “Over the years we have seen a decline in people visiting bars and clubs to get drunk and socialise. This means people are drinking at home! This is causing a huge problem for the human race, as a lot of people will never find a partner.

Some people are too shy to talk to someone they find attractive and sadly, some people are so unfortunate looking, they could only pull if the other person is completely hammered! If people decide to stay in, they might save money, but in the long term it could lead to disaster. At this rate, the whole human race could be extinct in the next couple of years!”

Dave Bailey, Manager of the Zone Nightclub Redruth agrees, he said “Social media and dating websites are death of people’s social skills, so they don’t know how to pull!”

The government is trying to solve the issue, by setting up drunken speed dating. In the hope people will find a partner!

Professor Stephen Tonking added “In order to solve this crisis, every single person must go to the nearest bar this weekend! They must get extremely drunk! This is a guaranteed way of finding a partner and saving all human beings!

Drinking expert, Stephen Hole, from Redruth, concluded, with a little advice;

“While getting completely smashed, might land you a misses. From my experience, if you are too drunk to remember, or even say a birds name, you won’t get anywhere! So remember; drink responsibly, enjoy yourself and get smashed!”

Surgeons left pasty inside man’s body.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Surgeons in Cornwall had to perform an emergency operation today, to remove a pasty left behind in a patient’s body.

The incident happened at the Kernow Hospital, in Praze an Beeble, during a minor surgical procedure.

Mark Smith, 35 from Falmouth, was left ‘feeling funny’ after his operation 1 month ago. He said “It was so strange, after the operation I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I went home and felt so uncomfortable. I was also getting ‘Pasty sweats’. The strange thing was, I hadn’t eaten a pasty. I also had heartburn and pasty burps! I thought I was possessed or something!”

A month later the pasty was spotted during a routine checkup back at the hospital. Dr. Stephen Tonkin said “This is very embarrassing for us! We think one of the staff bought a pasty for dinner and didn’t get a chance to eat it! They must have taken it into the operating theatre by mistake. We won’t be investigating this matter, as losing your pasty is punishment enough!”

Mark has made a full recovery and is said to be feeling much better!

This isn’t the first time a food item has been found inside a person. Last month, a man from Camborne was sent to casualty after he got a sausage roll stuck up his bum.

By Alex Lee, Steve Heller

Man changes name to Susan so his “Ex girlfriend” tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

A man from Redruth has changed his name to Susan, so his old tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Susan Smith, originally called Derek from Green Lane, said “I was 16 when I met Susan. We only went out for a month, but I thought she was the one. I got her name tattooed on my arm, but when she saw it, she left me.”

Derek AKA Susan, has been single ever since and was so fed up of people asking about his tattoo, he changed his name by Deed Poll to Susan. He said “Every time someone asked me about my Susan tattoo, it drove me crazy! Telling everyone the same story for the last 20 years hasn’t been fun! I have heard you can get them removed, with a laser or something, but that is all the way up Plymouth! I don’t like to leave Redruth if I can help it. One day I was thinking, what could I do to stop people asking about my bleddy tattoo? Then suddenly, it dawned on me! I went online and changed my name to Susan Smith. Now, when people ask me ‘Who’s Susan?’ I just say ‘Me!’ ”

Susans name change has been welcomed by friends, he said “All my family and friends call me the boy name sue, like in the Johnny Cash song! I’m even thinking about becoming a Johnny Cash tribute act and doing a live show down the Rumons Club!”

Susan hopes he will find a new girlfriend, he finally said “I’m looking for a new partner and if I find one called Susan, who knows, maybe I’ll change my name back to Derek!”

Is 15 year old Harley the tallest Cornishman?

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

Cornish News was contacted this week by Donna from Penzance. She told us about her 15 year old son Harley. Harley is not your average teenager, he stands at 6ft5 and is possibly the tallest Cornishman.

Mum Donna claims his size is all down to being brought up on pasties from an early age, she said “Start em young! 1 yr old and fed on Pasties! He’s a Pastyfarian at heart and has been eating them since he was a baby! Pasties make a louster of a boy! Ansome! Fed on they pasties!”

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Cornish people are known for being short. A famous Cornish comedian, who stands at 6ft3, was once told he couldn’t be Cornish, because he was too tall! There are also a lot of old houses in Cornwall, with low entrances. They can be seen all over the Duchy, including the main street of St. Ives.

Cornish News editor Steve Heller, who stands at a whopping 5ft5, is one of the taller members of his family. He didn’t quite believe Harleys story! Replying to Donnas comment on Facebook, he said “Cornish? Too tall to be Cornish, surely?” Which met a quick reply from Harleys friend, who said “Deffo, still growing. He’s still at school and as Cornish as they come!” His mum also replied “Never too tall to be Cornish! Proper bloodline, over 3 generations on both sides and fed on they pasties, they make em as wide, as they do high!”

Cornish News always believed that the Kernow King was the tallest Cornishman, but after contacting him, on his Australian tour, he confirmed he is 6ft3.

Could Harley be the tallest Cornishman?

If you know a proper Cornish man or woman who is taller, we would love to hear from you! Just contact Steve Heller on the Cornish News Facebook page.

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4