1 wounded after airgun shootout between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

A man was treated in Hospital last night after a gun battle erupted between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

pasties

The incident happened outside a derelict building, formerly the Normans Supermarket in Camborne, Cornwall.

A witness was walking her dog when she heard shouting in the car park, she said “I was out walking the dog, past the old supermarket when I heard all this noise and commotion. I looked into the blocked off car park and I could see about 10 people in white overalls fighting, it was absolute bedlam. This big lady had a gun and a couple men had rolling pins. I quickly rushed home and called the police.”

P.C. Peter Penter said “We received a call at 8.15pm on Saturday night, after a member of the public witnessed two groups of people, dressed in white overalls fighting outside an old derelict building. One man was seen to be carrying a long object, thought to be a rolling pin and a lady had an air rifle. When we arrived at the scene, the gangs had left the area and we found an injured man, perched against the wall holding his groin. It appears his attacker was aiming for his testicles. The middle aged man was taken to hospital and treated for mild injuries!”

It is believed the battle is part of an ongoing pasty war between Harry Hockings and Polglaze Pasties in Camborne. The two companies have been feuding for years ever since Harry Hocking poached one of Polglazes top crimpers, Sidney “Some Boy” Stevens, from Drump Road Redruth.

 

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Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

From Pasty Roulette to pissing on your foot. Hellers guide to summer in Cornwall.

Godrevy

Godrevy

Summer in Cornwall can be the most romantic experience of your life. If you get it right, it could be a memory you’ll come back to, in times of need! Get it wrong and you could find yourself, quite literally deep in the poo!

Below, I have listed some of the pitfalls you could face whilst on holiday in the Duchy!

This is an exclusive article and you won’t find this advice in any tourist information centre, on any holiday website, or in any  glossy attraction brochure that can be found in petrol stations, supermarkets and pubs – throughout Cornwall.

Follow this guide and remember your holiday for all the right reasons!

Traffic…
.
Pumping the heart of Kernow, is a huge artery, known as the A30. It’s a Dual Carriageway. Some call it a motorway! If you travel down on a bank holiday, be prepared for at least one tailback! The road isn’t perfect, the dual carriageway randomly turns into a single lane at times, causing huge bottlenecks along the route! You’ll be pleased to know, the council are fixing this. They’ve begun widening the single lanes and in proper Cornish style, someone thought it would be a good idea to start the work in the middle of the summer! Is it any wonder the locals are moaners?

If you’re planning a trip, travel down in the week or away from bank holidays. Why not drive down in winter, summer doesn’t guarantee sunshine, it pretty much pisses down all year round, so you wont be missing anything!

No bog roll…

If you have a weak stomach, I would suggest skipping this section!

Be prepared for a lack of toilet facilities! I’m not saying wear an extra pair of socks or anything. Just keep some loo roll handy!

A couple of years ago, in the peak of summer, the wife and I headed down Godrevy Beach for the day! We had an epic time, probably the best weather we’d had for months! A few hours in and I really needed a number two. After a hefty twenty minutes walk from the beach, I arrived at the National Trust toilets. Now sat on the throne, getting down to business, I soon realised, there was no bleddy toilet paper! I was stranded! What could I do? Only wearing a pair of shorts, stuck on the hot sticky bog, I had no choice but to put my shorts back on, waddle down the beach. I then grabbed the car key, waddled to the car, found a wet wipe, then traipsed back to the crapper! I remember it being the worst experience of my life! Well, not quite. I saw at least ten people go into that toilet. Then after a few minutes, I saw them leave the loo, doing the walk of shame! That did cheer me up!

Remember! Just because there’s a public toilet, doesn’t mean it will be open.

Public WC’s are closed from about 5pm down here. Closed during winter and some are even closed down! I know Cornwall is poor, but a toilet going bust? Come on!

Pasty Roulette…

The government’s genius idea of pasty tax has caused nothing but grief! If a shop keeps their pasties warm, they have to charge 20% VAT. But if the shop just lets their pasties cool down, they don’t have to pay VAT. So 99.9% of pasty shops now only sell pasties that cool down! Idiotic!

Pasty buying has now become a “Pasty Roulette” You never know what you’re favourite shop’s gonna dish up! It doesn’t matter who made the pasty, if the shop ain’t busy, your pasty’s gonna be cold!

If you can choose any time to buy a pasty, Saturday, mid morning would be the best time! Everyone loves to smash a pasty on a Saturday morning. So there’s a better chance your oggy will be hot! Bleddy ansome!

Seagulls…

Seagulls, Sky Rats, Shite Hawkes, whatever you call them, they’re a nightmare! They WILL attack you, even if you don’t have any food!

The government is looking into the root cause of the growing seagull population? Now let me think? Do we have more seagulls because the gulls are having seagull sex. Which in turn, makes more seagulls?

If this is the case, which I think it could be, we have three possible options: 1. Invent a seagull contraceptive 2. Stop seagulls from shagging or 3. Shoot the bastards! You may think I’m being harsh, but, I bet you’ve never had one attack you, just because you’re near their young! Imagine if humans followed this defense tactic, Camborne town would be a blood bath, there’d be mums all over the place, killing everyone in sight!

Surf and Turf…

Apologies again if you’re eating or have a weak stomach.

When I talk about Surf and Turf, I don’t mean scampi, rump and chips. I mean the discharge of raw sewage into the sea! This morning on Kernow King’s page, he posted a report showing all the beaches that are dangerously polluted with raw sewage! Normally, sewage plants only pump raw sewage into the sea, after heavy rain and flooding. As he pointed out, we’ve not had a lot of rain lately, so it must be down to the large number of people in Cornwall at the moment. This is putting a huge pressure on the sewage system and they have no choice but to pump that shit out!

Think about it… The sea is full of people and they’re all floating in their own floaters! Nasty! I bet most of those people think it’s wrong to pee in the bath!

Beaches…

You may find this weird, but I’m not a fan of the beach! I have this weird thing, that if my skin goes dry, it goes through me, like someone scraping their fingernails down a blackboard! It’s so bad, I have to carry around a tube of moisturiser! I try to stay away from the sand at all costs!

But there’s no denying it, the beaches are beautiful down here, but if you don’t like getting sand in your thousand pound sneakers, then stay away from the beach!

I like nothing more than sitting on the grass at Godrevy, overlooking St. Ives bay!

Pissing on your foot…

Now… The only time EVER, that you should wear Crocs, is when you go into the sea! Because, if you step on a weaver fish, with bare feet, you’re going to spend the rest of the day in agony.

If this does happen, find the nearest lifeguard.

If you ever mention a weaver fish to a local, they’ll say “If you step on one, piss on your foot!” Just for a laugh, it’s worth mentioning weaver fish in any conversation with a local, just to hear their reaction. Don’t worry about finding the right time to bring it up in conversation. As soon as you remember it, just cut their conversation short with “What about weaver fish!” They wont be mad that you were rude, they’ll just start banging on about weaver fish! That’s how we talk down here – Talk about bollox – remember something else – get excited and change the subject at anytime!

I did step on a weaver once. It only touched my big toe and it felt like someone driving a nail through my foot! Of course, the first thing I did, was wee in my wetsuit boot. I’m not sure if it was all in my mind, but the pain went instantly!

So there you go…

If you can battle through the traffic jams, the discharge and win at Pasty Roulette, there’s a chance your visit to Cornwall could be the most beautiful experience ever.

Just don’t forget to arm yourself with some toilet paper, crocs and stay out the water during peak season. I can’t guarantee your visit will be the best. But there’s one thing for certain, if you step on a weaver fish, you’ll be thinking of me whilst you’re stood there slashing on your foot.

Steve Heller – Cornish News

Ford Capri pulled from lake still had Pirate FM sticker in the window

Cornish News pirate fmA swimmer has found a Ford Capri at the bottom of a Nottinghamshire lake . Darren Warren made the discovery when he was swimming and spotted purple object under water.

He soon realised the purple object was in fact a Pirate FM 102 car sticker. It was stuck to the rear window of a Ford Capri.

The radio station sticker was proof that the car was originally from Cornwall.

The police believe the “Poor Man’s Sports Car” wasn’t stolen, but actually dumped by a panicked Cornish Man, who tried to leave Cornwall!

PC Kevin, of the Nottingham police force said “For some unknown reason, a Cornishman has obviously ventured out of Cornwall and crossed the border into England. He’s freaked  out and crashed the car into the lake. We think he then ran 310 miles back home. He’s probably still in the Duchy to this day!”

Further investigation concluded, the car originated from Camborne, as the vehicle had no tax or MOT.

The Nottinghamshire County Council say the car will be scrapped, but they are keeping the Pirate FM sticker.

NASA UFO sighting in outer space was in fact Flambards plane

Original shot from NASA camera

Original shot from NASA camera

The mysterious UFO that was spotted on NASA’s space camera has been identified as the Flambards plane.

The UFO was caught on NASA’s space camera earlier this year. The NASA version of the film cuts out after 2 seconds, just as the UFO appears on screen.

Tony Trevaskis of Trenere Estate Penzance, sent the Cornish News an unedited version of the film, taken from a different angle.

We were shocked to find, that the UFO, which was originally thought to be aliens from another planet, was, in fact, the Flambards plane that is often seen flying over towns and beaches in Cornwall, during the summer.

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

Tony Trevaskis said, “I couldn’t bleddy believe it, I was having a mooch online at the Trago Webcam from outer space! I thought, “av a look at that!” After a couple minutes, I saw that bleddy plane, that flies over Portreath beach with the Flambards banner on it! I thought “Shit the bed, that plane gets everywhere!” I always wondered where that thing went after it flew over Portreath. Because you don’t see it fly back the other way! It must fly over the beach then go up into space! Matey flying that must have some balls on him to do that!”

It’s not been officially identified as the Flambards plane, but looking at the pictures, you can see for yourself!

Have you spotted a UFO lately? If so, please tell us on the Cornish News Facebook page!

The pasty tree could soon be extinct.

pasty tree has been spotted in Tehidy Woods

pasty tree has been spotted in Tehidy Woods

The hot weather could spell disaster for Cornwall’s pasty trees this summer.

The heatwave, which is expected to last another 6 weeks could wipe out the last remaining trees, situated near the Lizard.

Patsy Rowe from Helston said, “It’s some bleddy hot at the moment. Our orchard is really suffering! All the large steak are gone now. All we’ve got left are; a few mediums, a chicken and veg and a sausage roll! If they all go, I’m not sure what we’ll do?”

For many years, the trees were the main source of food in Cornwall and miners would pick the fruits on the way to work.

Over the years, bakeries have cashed in on the luscious dish and are slowly wiping the trees out!

Patsy continued, “I blame the bakeries. They tricked everyone into thinking you could only make pasties in a kitchen. This isn’t true and now, we’re all suffering! It’s some sad, I tell e’!”

The last few remaining trees can be found at Patsy’s orchard, near Ann’s Pasty Shop, in the Lizard. The orchard isn’t open to the public, but if nobody is around and you can climb the hedge, you might be able to pinch one for your dinner!

The pasty tree, can also be found growing in the wild and have even been seen in Tehidy Woods.

If you spot one, please contact the Cornish News team via their Facebook page.

Construction of the Cornish Stadium has begun!

Stadium being built next to Pool Market

Stadium being built next to Pool Market

Pengeggon Roofing Company have started the construction of the Cornish Stadium today, in a field, next to Pool Market!
 
The stadium, which was promised by the Prime Minister, as a thank you for voting for him, will hold 20,000 people! Speaking from his holiday caravan at St. Ives holiday park, the prime minister said, “I said to the people of Cornwall ‘If you vote for me, I will build a stadium! You voted for me and as promised, here is the stadium!”

 

Tony Tresidder from Camborne, Redruth and Pool, also known as C.R.A.P. was very pleased, he said, “Well, I can’t bleddy believe it! First Heartlands, then Subway, then Barny’s Pasties, now… a stadium. Pool really is the future! I will be honest, I was happy with Pool Market, I use to go every Saturday and Sunday and Bank Holidays. We use to go for a “Burger U Like!” Then have a yap with Mike on the tool stand, then finish it off with a mooch round the car boot. Now, I go down Barny’s for a Pasty, then up Pool Market! But soon, I’ll be able to go stadium as well! I hope they have a doughnut stand or something, or an arcade, that really would be the icing on the cake!”

 

The new stadium is thought to only cost £10,000 to build, as contractors, Pengeggon Roofing, took on the work as a favour to the government! Roofing owner, Graham Rogers, from Troon, said, “Well, we’re doing the job for a favour. We don’t want any wages or anything, it’s good advertising doing the job! We’ve never done anything this big! We normally do odd jobs and a bit of roofing, every now and then! Mark, who works for me, his cousins mate knows someone who built Wembley stadium, so we know what we’re doing! I reckon it won’t take long.”

 

In order for the stadium to fit in with Cornish culture, it will be “Pasty shaped,” with an opening and closing roof! When the roof is open, the pasty stadium will be side crimped. When it’s raining and the roof closed, it will be top crimped. The pasty shaped stadium will be seen from outer space!
 

Not everyone is happy with the pasty shaped stadium. Margret Margretson of Park Bottom, near Redruth, said, “I quite like the pasty stadium being side crimped, but top? Top crimped is illegal, it gives off the wrong message! What next? A carrot shaped car park? I won’t ever step foot in Pool, ever again!”

 

The stadium will also have a number of business outlets, selling stuff that nobody wants. There will also be a number of shops, that will probably never have anything in them and if they do, the only interest from the public, will be when they are mentioned in conversations like;
 
Cornish man A “Ere, been up that stadium yet av’ e?”
Cornish man B ” Yeah, seen that bleddy shop that sells all they toys ‘av e?”
Cornish man A “IT’S CLOSED!”
Cornish man B “Is it? I was saying to the misses, it would! Bleddy £10 for a small teddy! Too expensive!”
Cornish man A “I knaw, bleddy ridiculous!”
 
It is not sure when the stadium will be built, as every time we asked Pengeggon Roofing, they replied “I don’t reckon it will take too long. Well, as long as we don’t get any problems!”
 

When the stadium is finally built, it will be holding an opening concert, starring local tribute cabaret singer, Gary Manilow and head DJ of Pasty FM, Brian Polmear. There will also be half price pasties from Corner to Corner Pasty shop.