Pengeggon Roofing Company have started the construction of the Cornish Stadium today, in a field, next to Pool Market!
The stadium, which was promised by the Prime Minister, as a thank you for voting for him, will hold 20,000 people! Speaking from his holiday caravan at St. Ives holiday park, the prime minister said, “I said to the people of Cornwall ‘If you vote for me, I will build a stadium! You voted for me and as promised, here is the stadium!”
Tony Tresidder from Camborne, Redruth and Pool, also known as C.R.A.P. was very pleased, he said, “Well, I can’t bleddy believe it! First Heartlands, then Subway, then Barny’s Pasties, now… a stadium. Pool really is the future! I will be honest, I was happy with Pool Market, I use to go every Saturday and Sunday and Bank Holidays. We use to go for a “Burger U Like!” Then have a yap with Mike on the tool stand, then finish it off with a mooch round the car boot. Now, I go down Barny’s for a Pasty, then up Pool Market! But soon, I’ll be able to go stadium as well! I hope they have a doughnut stand or something, or an arcade, that really would be the icing on the cake!”
The new stadium is thought to only cost £10,000 to build, as contractors, Pengeggon Roofing, took on the work as a favour to the government! Roofing owner, Graham Rogers, from Troon, said, “Well, we’re doing the job for a favour. We don’t want any wages or anything, it’s good advertising doing the job! We’ve never done anything this big! We normally do odd jobs and a bit of roofing, every now and then! Mark, who works for me, his cousins mate knows someone who built Wembley stadium, so we know what we’re doing! I reckon it won’t take long.”
In order for the stadium to fit in with Cornish culture, it will be “Pasty shaped,” with an opening and closing roof! When the roof is open, the pasty stadium will be side crimped. When it’s raining and the roof closed, it will be top crimped. The pasty shaped stadium will be seen from outer space!
Not everyone is happy with the pasty shaped stadium. Margret Margretson of Park Bottom, near Redruth, said, “I quite like the pasty stadium being side crimped, but top? Top crimped is illegal, it gives off the wrong message! What next? A carrot shaped car park? I won’t ever step foot in Pool, ever again!”
The stadium will also have a number of business outlets, selling stuff that nobody wants. There will also be a number of shops, that will probably never have anything in them and if they do, the only interest from the public, will be when they are mentioned in conversations like;
Cornish man A “Ere, been up that stadium yet av’ e?”
Cornish man B ” Yeah, seen that bleddy shop that sells all they toys ‘av e?”
Cornish man A “IT’S CLOSED!”
Cornish man B “Is it? I was saying to the misses, it would! Bleddy £10 for a small teddy! Too expensive!”
Cornish man A “I knaw, bleddy ridiculous!”
It is not sure when the stadium will be built, as every time we asked Pengeggon Roofing, they replied “I don’t reckon it will take too long. Well, as long as we don’t get any problems!”
When the stadium is finally built, it will be holding an opening concert, starring local tribute cabaret singer, Gary Manilow and head DJ of Pasty FM, Brian Polmear. There will also be half price pasties from Corner to Corner Pasty shop.