1 wounded after airgun shootout between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

A man was treated in Hospital last night after a gun battle erupted between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

pasties

The incident happened outside a derelict building, formerly the Normans Supermarket in Camborne, Cornwall.

A witness was walking her dog when she heard shouting in the car park, she said “I was out walking the dog, past the old supermarket when I heard all this noise and commotion. I looked into the blocked off car park and I could see about 10 people in white overalls fighting, it was absolute bedlam. This big lady had a gun and a couple men had rolling pins. I quickly rushed home and called the police.”

P.C. Peter Penter said “We received a call at 8.15pm on Saturday night, after a member of the public witnessed two groups of people, dressed in white overalls fighting outside an old derelict building. One man was seen to be carrying a long object, thought to be a rolling pin and a lady had an air rifle. When we arrived at the scene, the gangs had left the area and we found an injured man, perched against the wall holding his groin. It appears his attacker was aiming for his testicles. The middle aged man was taken to hospital and treated for mild injuries!”

It is believed the battle is part of an ongoing pasty war between Harry Hockings and Polglaze Pasties in Camborne. The two companies have been feuding for years ever since Harry Hocking poached one of Polglazes top crimpers, Sidney “Some Boy” Stevens, from Drump Road Redruth.

 

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Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

NASA UFO sighting in outer space was in fact Flambards plane

Original shot from NASA camera

Original shot from NASA camera

The mysterious UFO that was spotted on NASA’s space camera has been identified as the Flambards plane.

The UFO was caught on NASA’s space camera earlier this year. The NASA version of the film cuts out after 2 seconds, just as the UFO appears on screen.

Tony Trevaskis of Trenere Estate Penzance, sent the Cornish News an unedited version of the film, taken from a different angle.

We were shocked to find, that the UFO, which was originally thought to be aliens from another planet, was, in fact, the Flambards plane that is often seen flying over towns and beaches in Cornwall, during the summer.

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

spotted on the Trago Webcam from outer space

Tony Trevaskis said, “I couldn’t bleddy believe it, I was having a mooch online at the Trago Webcam from outer space! I thought, “av a look at that!” After a couple minutes, I saw that bleddy plane, that flies over Portreath beach with the Flambards banner on it! I thought “Shit the bed, that plane gets everywhere!” I always wondered where that thing went after it flew over Portreath. Because you don’t see it fly back the other way! It must fly over the beach then go up into space! Matey flying that must have some balls on him to do that!”

It’s not been officially identified as the Flambards plane, but looking at the pictures, you can see for yourself!

Have you spotted a UFO lately? If so, please tell us on the Cornish News Facebook page!

Human Race will be extinct, as less people are going out drinking.

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Cornwall’s smartest man, Professor Stephen Tonking, has warned that the decline in drunken socialising, will lead to the extinction of the human race.

In an interview with Pasty FM 103, he said “Over the years we have seen a decline in people visiting bars and clubs to get drunk and socialise. This means people are drinking at home! This is causing a huge problem for the human race, as a lot of people will never find a partner.

Some people are too shy to talk to someone they find attractive and sadly, some people are so unfortunate looking, they could only pull if the other person is completely hammered! If people decide to stay in, they might save money, but in the long term it could lead to disaster. At this rate, the whole human race could be extinct in the next couple of years!”

Dave Bailey, Manager of the Zone Nightclub Redruth agrees, he said “Social media and dating websites are death of people’s social skills, so they don’t know how to pull!”

The government is trying to solve the issue, by setting up drunken speed dating. In the hope people will find a partner!

Professor Stephen Tonking added “In order to solve this crisis, every single person must go to the nearest bar this weekend! They must get extremely drunk! This is a guaranteed way of finding a partner and saving all human beings!

Drinking expert, Stephen Hole, from Redruth, concluded, with a little advice;

“While getting completely smashed, might land you a misses. From my experience, if you are too drunk to remember, or even say a birds name, you won’t get anywhere! So remember; drink responsibly, enjoy yourself and get smashed!”

Surgeons left pasty inside man’s body.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Surgeons in Cornwall had to perform an emergency operation today, to remove a pasty left behind in a patient’s body.

The incident happened at the Kernow Hospital, in Praze an Beeble, during a minor surgical procedure.

Mark Smith, 35 from Falmouth, was left ‘feeling funny’ after his operation 1 month ago. He said “It was so strange, after the operation I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I went home and felt so uncomfortable. I was also getting ‘Pasty sweats’. The strange thing was, I hadn’t eaten a pasty. I also had heartburn and pasty burps! I thought I was possessed or something!”

A month later the pasty was spotted during a routine checkup back at the hospital. Dr. Stephen Tonkin said “This is very embarrassing for us! We think one of the staff bought a pasty for dinner and didn’t get a chance to eat it! They must have taken it into the operating theatre by mistake. We won’t be investigating this matter, as losing your pasty is punishment enough!”

Mark has made a full recovery and is said to be feeling much better!

This isn’t the first time a food item has been found inside a person. Last month, a man from Camborne was sent to casualty after he got a sausage roll stuck up his bum.

By Alex Lee, Steve Heller

Man changes name to Susan so his “Ex girlfriend” tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

A man from Redruth has changed his name to Susan, so his old tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Susan Smith, originally called Derek from Green Lane, said “I was 16 when I met Susan. We only went out for a month, but I thought she was the one. I got her name tattooed on my arm, but when she saw it, she left me.”

Derek AKA Susan, has been single ever since and was so fed up of people asking about his tattoo, he changed his name by Deed Poll to Susan. He said “Every time someone asked me about my Susan tattoo, it drove me crazy! Telling everyone the same story for the last 20 years hasn’t been fun! I have heard you can get them removed, with a laser or something, but that is all the way up Plymouth! I don’t like to leave Redruth if I can help it. One day I was thinking, what could I do to stop people asking about my bleddy tattoo? Then suddenly, it dawned on me! I went online and changed my name to Susan Smith. Now, when people ask me ‘Who’s Susan?’ I just say ‘Me!’ ”

Susans name change has been welcomed by friends, he said “All my family and friends call me the boy name sue, like in the Johnny Cash song! I’m even thinking about becoming a Johnny Cash tribute act and doing a live show down the Rumons Club!”

Susan hopes he will find a new girlfriend, he finally said “I’m looking for a new partner and if I find one called Susan, who knows, maybe I’ll change my name back to Derek!”

Is 15 year old Harley the tallest Cornishman?

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

15 years old and 6ft5 tall with mum Donna

Cornish News was contacted this week by Donna from Penzance. She told us about her 15 year old son Harley. Harley is not your average teenager, he stands at 6ft5 and is possibly the tallest Cornishman.

Mum Donna claims his size is all down to being brought up on pasties from an early age, she said “Start em young! 1 yr old and fed on Pasties! He’s a Pastyfarian at heart and has been eating them since he was a baby! Pasties make a louster of a boy! Ansome! Fed on they pasties!”

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Eating pasties at 1 years old.

Cornish people are known for being short. A famous Cornish comedian, who stands at 6ft3, was once told he couldn’t be Cornish, because he was too tall! There are also a lot of old houses in Cornwall, with low entrances. They can be seen all over the Duchy, including the main street of St. Ives.

Cornish News editor Steve Heller, who stands at a whopping 5ft5, is one of the taller members of his family. He didn’t quite believe Harleys story! Replying to Donnas comment on Facebook, he said “Cornish? Too tall to be Cornish, surely?” Which met a quick reply from Harleys friend, who said “Deffo, still growing. He’s still at school and as Cornish as they come!” His mum also replied “Never too tall to be Cornish! Proper bloodline, over 3 generations on both sides and fed on they pasties, they make em as wide, as they do high!”

Cornish News always believed that the Kernow King was the tallest Cornishman, but after contacting him, on his Australian tour, he confirmed he is 6ft3.

Could Harley be the tallest Cornishman?

If you know a proper Cornish man or woman who is taller, we would love to hear from you! Just contact Steve Heller on the Cornish News Facebook page.

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4

12 year old Harley with Angela who is 5ft4