1 wounded after airgun shootout between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

A man was treated in Hospital last night after a gun battle erupted between two rival pasty makers in Cornwall.

pasties

The incident happened outside a derelict building, formerly the Normans Supermarket in Camborne, Cornwall.

A witness was walking her dog when she heard shouting in the car park, she said “I was out walking the dog, past the old supermarket when I heard all this noise and commotion. I looked into the blocked off car park and I could see about 10 people in white overalls fighting, it was absolute bedlam. This big lady had a gun and a couple men had rolling pins. I quickly rushed home and called the police.”

P.C. Peter Penter said “We received a call at 8.15pm on Saturday night, after a member of the public witnessed two groups of people, dressed in white overalls fighting outside an old derelict building. One man was seen to be carrying a long object, thought to be a rolling pin and a lady had an air rifle. When we arrived at the scene, the gangs had left the area and we found an injured man, perched against the wall holding his groin. It appears his attacker was aiming for his testicles. The middle aged man was taken to hospital and treated for mild injuries!”

It is believed the battle is part of an ongoing pasty war between Harry Hockings and Polglaze Pasties in Camborne. The two companies have been feuding for years ever since Harry Hocking poached one of Polglazes top crimpers, Sidney “Some Boy” Stevens, from Drump Road Redruth.

 

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Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News

The pasty tree could soon be extinct.

pasty tree has been spotted in Tehidy Woods

pasty tree has been spotted in Tehidy Woods

The hot weather could spell disaster for Cornwall’s pasty trees this summer.

The heatwave, which is expected to last another 6 weeks could wipe out the last remaining trees, situated near the Lizard.

Patsy Rowe from Helston said, “It’s some bleddy hot at the moment. Our orchard is really suffering! All the large steak are gone now. All we’ve got left are; a few mediums, a chicken and veg and a sausage roll! If they all go, I’m not sure what we’ll do?”

For many years, the trees were the main source of food in Cornwall and miners would pick the fruits on the way to work.

Over the years, bakeries have cashed in on the luscious dish and are slowly wiping the trees out!

Patsy continued, “I blame the bakeries. They tricked everyone into thinking you could only make pasties in a kitchen. This isn’t true and now, we’re all suffering! It’s some sad, I tell e’!”

The last few remaining trees can be found at Patsy’s orchard, near Ann’s Pasty Shop, in the Lizard. The orchard isn’t open to the public, but if nobody is around and you can climb the hedge, you might be able to pinch one for your dinner!

The pasty tree, can also be found growing in the wild and have even been seen in Tehidy Woods.

If you spot one, please contact the Cornish News team via their Facebook page.

Surgeons left pasty inside man’s body.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Pasty found in body. Mark was getting pasty sweats.

Surgeons in Cornwall had to perform an emergency operation today, to remove a pasty left behind in a patient’s body.

The incident happened at the Kernow Hospital, in Praze an Beeble, during a minor surgical procedure.

Mark Smith, 35 from Falmouth, was left ‘feeling funny’ after his operation 1 month ago. He said “It was so strange, after the operation I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I went home and felt so uncomfortable. I was also getting ‘Pasty sweats’. The strange thing was, I hadn’t eaten a pasty. I also had heartburn and pasty burps! I thought I was possessed or something!”

A month later the pasty was spotted during a routine checkup back at the hospital. Dr. Stephen Tonkin said “This is very embarrassing for us! We think one of the staff bought a pasty for dinner and didn’t get a chance to eat it! They must have taken it into the operating theatre by mistake. We won’t be investigating this matter, as losing your pasty is punishment enough!”

Mark has made a full recovery and is said to be feeling much better!

This isn’t the first time a food item has been found inside a person. Last month, a man from Camborne was sent to casualty after he got a sausage roll stuck up his bum.

By Alex Lee, Steve Heller

Dangerous “Cut and Shut” Pasties containing carrots are being sold in Camborne.

A Cut and Shut Pasty

A Cut and Shut Pasty

The Pasty Police have been hunting down a black market Pasty seller in Camborne who has been selling “Cut and Shut” Pasties.

It is believed the organised criminal gang are operating from a mobile Pasty van in the area, called “The Pasty Wagon.”

Head of the Pasty Police said “We had a member of the public report some dodgey goings on in the Pengeggon area last week. Someone bought a Pasty for £3 thinking it was a beautiful Cornish Oven Flaky, only to get half way down and bite into a cold petrol station Pasty that was made with minced meat and then they choked on some carrot. We think the perpetrators are buying the best pasties and the worst, then glueing them together and leaving the nice half sticking out the bag to deceive customers. This is against the law!”

We managed to get a short interview with the victim who is recovering in hospital, they said “I thought something was up, when the man served me from the pasty wagon, he seemed really shifty. I bought the pasty, bit into it and thought “Bleddy ‘ansome” but when I got half way down, I started choking, it was all cold and beastly. I spat it out on the floor! F@#KING CARROT! I thought I was going to die there and then, I called the emergency services and they were so concerned, they sent the army in an Apache helicopter to rush me to Treliske Hospital!”

The Pasty Police concluded “Due to the recent legislation about Cornish Pasties, it seems there are now a lot of Pasties being sold on the Black Market! Please watch out, as we all know Cornish people are highly allergic to carrots and it’s only a matter of time before some poor bugger dies from one! If you spot any suspicious behavior call the Pasty Police immediately.”

REDRUTH LADY FINDS FACE OF IAN BEALE “CRYING” ON HER PASTY

Frankii Rogers holding her Pasty which has the face of Ian Beale burnt on it!

Frankii Rogers holding her Pasty which has the face of Ian Beale burnt on it!

A Redruth lady got a little more than she bargained for when she bought a Pasty from a shop in Truro. Because when Frankii Rogers tucked into her large steak; she found a picture of Ian Beale burnt into her Pasty, and if that wasn’t enough; he was actually crying!

Twenty year old Frankii said “I love a nice Pasty. I bought myself a Large Steak and was about to take a bite when I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I wasn’t sure what it was at first. I looked down and saw some gravy coming out the side. It was really weird because the Pasty looked fine apart from a circular burnt bit at the top. When I looked a little closer, the burnt bit looked like Ian Beale from Eastenders. I just couldn’t believe it. It was a bit off putting, you know; being Ian Beale and all. Then I realised the gravy was coming out Ian Beale’s eyes and he was crying!

Frankii took the pasty back to the shop where, owner Bernadette AKA Bernie took a photo, she couldn’t believe it either, she said “When the customer came back into the shop, I thought she was joking. I looked at the Pasty and it really did look like Ian Beale crying. I’m a huge Eastenders fan and I think it was a sign. I’m not sure what for, but it was definitely something.

Pasty expert, Dave James said “it’s very rare to get a face burnt into a pasty. People often see the face of Jesus on their toast and I have even seen a picture of Jesus on a goat’s ass. Although it’s very rare!”

Frankii is not alone. Ben Todman of Newquay had a similar incident, only he had a picture of Phil Mitchell on his Pasty. Ben said “Having Phil Mitchell staring at you whilst your trying to eat your dinner; is a real turn off! If it ever happens to anyone else, I suggest they just throw the Pasty away and buy another one! It’ll be the best thing you ever do!”

Ben Todman found a picture of Phil Mitchell on his Pasty.

Ben Todman found a picture of Phil Mitchell on his Pasty.

MY FIRST PASTY BY JIM WEARNE

Jim Wearne Cornish American Folk Singer.

Jim Wearne Cornish American Folk Singer.

Looking way back, more than a half-century ago, I see a distant white farmhouse along a 2-lane road in rural Michigan. I’m in the back seat of my grandfather’s Buick with my brothers. No seatbelts in those days and, because he‘s the youngest, Tom has to sit on the “hump” in the middle. Windows open, (no AC back then) warm breeze flutters in as we get closer to the farmhouse. We pull into the dirt driveway and park under an old tree. Behind the house is a huge, red barn and I can see chickens, frightened by our arrival, scurrying around the back yard. We pile out and head for the open front-porch door. We three boys hang back a bit, bashful in the presence of a very old lady who we barely know, but are aware that she’s a relative of some sort. We’re city boys, and the farm is disorienting. Plus, although I don’t ever remember her speaking to me, I was aware that she talked sort of “funny.”
I don’t remember much else until lunchtime. I remember a kitchen with bright sunshine streaming through curtainless windows. I remember sitting at a grey Formica table. In front of me is a plate and, there on the plate, is something I had never seen before. Is it bread? It looks like a pie, sort of. It’s thick in the middle, and pointy at the ends. It’s steaming through slits in the top. And something smells really good.
I see the grownups cutting theirs in half. I do the same, and through the slash spills beef. Juicy chunks of beef. And potatoes. Little squares of potato. And something that looked a bit like potato, but not quite. Never mind – that could be pushed to the corner of the plate. I stuck a fork into the meat and looked at it closely, examining it for foreign or unknown spices or (worse) green vegetable traces. It was clean.
It looked hot, so I nibbled a morsel from the fork.
Oh. My. God.
I took a big bite – damn the searing of my palate. Potato next, with bits of onion clinging. Then a piece of crust. NO! No pastry has ever tasted so sublime! Lard! Suet! Beef drippings! Onion! All baked into a brown, crisp perfection.
I remember little of that lunch after that. Just the old lady, in her odd speech saying “ ‘es a shaam ‘e diddn like ‘en, eh?” I looked at my plate. Empty.
I’m sure that we went, after lunch, out to the yard and chased the chickens and tried to make the many cats get close enough to pet them. I remember being taken into the barn where there were cows. I expect that when we were put back into the car to head home, I slept the whole way.
My first pasty. Made by a cousin of my Grandfather, a lady who must have been 90 if a day, and who had left Cornwall for America easily seventy years before. Out in the middle of Southwestern Michigan, hundreds of miles from the seacoast, and then an ocean away from Cornwall, there was a bit of Cornwall. And I ate a pasty in it.

Jim Wearne is a Cornish-American Singer-Songwriter from North America, performing at Cornish Festivals in the U.S.A, and Cornwall. He is a Bard of the Cornish Gorseth and is known for his dedication to establish national status for Cornwall within the United Kingdom.

https://www.facebook.com/jim.wearne

http://jimwearne.com/