School sports day cancelled after teacher mistakes fart for thunder and lightning.

fart

A Cornish school sports day was cancelled today when a teacher mistook a parents fart for thunder.

The incident happened at Treday school, near Redruth earlier this afternoon. Parents were left baffled when the headteacher, Mr. Hawk also known as Chalky Hawky called off the event.

Parent, Margaret Banon was watching her son Tony in the egg and spoon race when it happened, she said “Tony was winning the egg and spoon race and old Chalky Hawky was stood at the finish line. Next minute, a big dad who was stood next to him, lifted his leg and let out this massive fart. His ass was so big, it must have travelled a fair old distance from his bum hole, down the crack of his ass before it actually surfaced and made a noise. It was beastly and even sounded like thunder! But Chalky was concentrating on the race so much, the noise made him jump. He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds, so he ordered everyone to stop what they were doing and return to the class room immediately. He then made a bizarre announcement, saying there was thunder and lightning. I think he was the only one who didn’t realise it was a fart”

A parent called Karen was so angry, she threatened to complain to Ofsted, she said “I was so upset I demanded to see the headmaster immediately. The headmaster apologised but it wasn’t enough. I want to speak to Ofsted and I will be claiming compensation as I took the afternoon off work and even drove two miles to get here, which costs money too you know!”

It’s not sure if the sports day is being rescheduled.

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Man shouts “I am the Veganator” before hitting diner over the head with cucumber.

A weekly steak night was turned into chaos last night when a crazed man ran into a pub shouting, “I am the Veganator” before hitting a customer over the head with a cucumber.

Veganator

Man shouted “I am the Veganator!”

 

The incident happened around 6pm, at the London pub in Redruth, which holds a steak night every Monday. Pub owner, Derek Chapman said, “It was just a normal night, about 30 people sat down enjoying their steak and chips. Suddenly the front door flew open and I heard an angry roar. It happened so quick, it was like a dream, surreal. Suddenly, a man with a moustache and his hair tied in a bun came charging through the door. He ran up to the first table and shouted “I am the Veganator!” Then pulled a cucumber out his pants and hit Freddy Gribble over the head. The cucumber snapped and one half landed in Freddies pint. The whole pub fell silent and all you could hear was the jukebox playing Black Eyed Peas. I must admit, that’s never happened at one of our steak nights before.”

The London Inn

The London Inn – Redruth

 

The attacker quickly fled the scene and the episode was over within minutes.

Freddy Gribble from St. Day near Redruth said, “I go to the steak night every week and always sit next to the entrance. Nothing strange ever happens, apart from once when they had a twenty minute power cut and I fell over trying to find my way to the toilet. But tonight, I was just sat there as usual enjoying my tea. Then, the door burst open and this bloke hit me over the head. Before I knew it, he ran out the door again. It happened so quick, everyone was looking at each other like, “What the hell just happened?” I’m not taking any chances next week, I’m going to sit well away from the front door, sod that.”

 

Pub landlord, Derek has decided not to pursue the incident, as nobody was hurt but will remain vigilant in case of a repeat attack.

Human Race will be extinct, as less people are going out drinking.

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Zone Nightclub Redruth

Cornwall’s smartest man, Professor Stephen Tonking, has warned that the decline in drunken socialising, will lead to the extinction of the human race.

In an interview with Pasty FM 103, he said “Over the years we have seen a decline in people visiting bars and clubs to get drunk and socialise. This means people are drinking at home! This is causing a huge problem for the human race, as a lot of people will never find a partner.

Some people are too shy to talk to someone they find attractive and sadly, some people are so unfortunate looking, they could only pull if the other person is completely hammered! If people decide to stay in, they might save money, but in the long term it could lead to disaster. At this rate, the whole human race could be extinct in the next couple of years!”

Dave Bailey, Manager of the Zone Nightclub Redruth agrees, he said “Social media and dating websites are death of people’s social skills, so they don’t know how to pull!”

The government is trying to solve the issue, by setting up drunken speed dating. In the hope people will find a partner!

Professor Stephen Tonking added “In order to solve this crisis, every single person must go to the nearest bar this weekend! They must get extremely drunk! This is a guaranteed way of finding a partner and saving all human beings!

Drinking expert, Stephen Hole, from Redruth, concluded, with a little advice;

“While getting completely smashed, might land you a misses. From my experience, if you are too drunk to remember, or even say a birds name, you won’t get anywhere! So remember; drink responsibly, enjoy yourself and get smashed!”

Man changes name to Susan so his “Ex girlfriend” tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

Derek was fed up with people asking about his tattoo

A man from Redruth has changed his name to Susan, so his old tattoo doesn’t look stupid.

Susan Smith, originally called Derek from Green Lane, said “I was 16 when I met Susan. We only went out for a month, but I thought she was the one. I got her name tattooed on my arm, but when she saw it, she left me.”

Derek AKA Susan, has been single ever since and was so fed up of people asking about his tattoo, he changed his name by Deed Poll to Susan. He said “Every time someone asked me about my Susan tattoo, it drove me crazy! Telling everyone the same story for the last 20 years hasn’t been fun! I have heard you can get them removed, with a laser or something, but that is all the way up Plymouth! I don’t like to leave Redruth if I can help it. One day I was thinking, what could I do to stop people asking about my bleddy tattoo? Then suddenly, it dawned on me! I went online and changed my name to Susan Smith. Now, when people ask me ‘Who’s Susan?’ I just say ‘Me!’ ”

Susans name change has been welcomed by friends, he said “All my family and friends call me the boy name sue, like in the Johnny Cash song! I’m even thinking about becoming a Johnny Cash tribute act and doing a live show down the Rumons Club!”

Susan hopes he will find a new girlfriend, he finally said “I’m looking for a new partner and if I find one called Susan, who knows, maybe I’ll change my name back to Derek!”

New second hand sex shop in Redruth has had its ups and downs.

Lewis sells second hand adult toys.

Lewis sells second hand adult toys.

A Redruth man has opened a second hand sex shop in the middle of town! Lewis Moon from Redruth opened Gash Convertors just over a month ago after leaving the butcher shop where he worked in Camborne.

The 26 year old said “It’s really hard to get a job these days, especially in Redruth and Camborne! I had a little bit of spare money and thought about opening a shop! I wanted a shop that nobody had ever thought of. So I opened – a second hand sex shop! I know it doesn’t float everyone’s boat, but surprisingly the shop has hit the spot for a lot of people in the town!”

The shop lets you trade in old adult toys for cash and has been so successful – Lewis has set up a little food counter in the corner, selling pasties and sausage rolls!

Lewis said “I can’t believe how successful it’s been and we’ve sold out of most things! We’ve had our ups and downs though! There was a bit of an embarrassing incident on the first day we opened. We sell a lot of E-Cigarettes and about two hours of opening, a customer I’d served earlier in the day came storming back into the shop. He slammed a box down on the counter and shouted “I bought this E-Cigarette from you this morning and I haven’t been able to get it to work!” I picked up the box and said “I’m really sorry sir, there’s been a mistake! That’s not an E-Cigarette – you’ve been trying to smoke a twelve inch Robo Cock! It was very awkward!”

Lewis hopes to expand his new business and eventually trade at Pool Market.

The shop is open Monday to Saturday 10am – 5pm and is situated opposite Iceland, where the fruit and veg shop use to be.

by Steve Heller and Lewis Moon

Resident in Cornwall arrested after tornado insurance fraud.

The garden was just messy!

The garden was just messy!

A Tornado hit a small village in Cornwall yesterday, which caused damage to houses in Illogan, Redruth – Cornwall.

A few hours later, after hearing the news, James Tidy of Fore Street Pool, who lives a mile away from the incident, made a house insurance claim – saying his garden was hit by the Tornado.

Police became suspicious when they saw that the garden was in fact just a complete mess.They said it was “just full of crap” with objects strewn about the place. Some items included; old tube televisions , video recorders, push bike frames, shitty nappies and pissy mattresses!!

Steve Smith – neighbour of James said “the police knocked on my door and asked if we had any damage from the tornado last night? So I took them into my back garden and it was perfectly fine! They asked if I had witnessed the tornado ripping through James back garden. I burst out laughing and said “what, that messy bastard? He’s trying to pull a fast one! His garden has been a shit pit since he moved in! Tornado’s don’t grow brambles and weeds like that and if you think that’s bad – you should see his misses.”

James was later arrested and released on bail. The Police believe James was hoping to claim the insurance, so someone would clean up his garden.

James was unavailable for comment and sadly his misses was too scary to be approached…