School sports day cancelled after teacher mistakes fart for thunder and lightning.

fart

A Cornish school sports day was cancelled today when a teacher mistook a parents fart for thunder.

The incident happened at Treday school, near Redruth earlier this afternoon. Parents were left baffled when the headteacher, Mr. Hawk also known as Chalky Hawky called off the event.

Parent, Margaret Banon was watching her son Tony in the egg and spoon race when it happened, she said “Tony was winning the egg and spoon race and old Chalky Hawky was stood at the finish line. Next minute, a big dad who was stood next to him, lifted his leg and let out this massive fart. His ass was so big, it must have travelled a fair old distance from his bum hole, down the crack of his ass before it actually surfaced and made a noise. It was beastly and even sounded like thunder! But Chalky was concentrating on the race so much, the noise made him jump. He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds, so he ordered everyone to stop what they were doing and return to the class room immediately. He then made a bizarre announcement, saying there was thunder and lightning. I think he was the only one who didn’t realise it was a fart”

A parent called Karen was so angry, she threatened to complain to Ofsted, she said “I was so upset I demanded to see the headmaster immediately. The headmaster apologised but it wasn’t enough. I want to speak to Ofsted and I will be claiming compensation as I took the afternoon off work and even drove two miles to get here, which costs money too you know!”

It’s not sure if the sports day is being rescheduled.

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The Meht Office say we’ll get snow dreckly.

Speech bubble drawn on the snow

The Meht Office have confirmed we will be getting snow, dreckly.

Camborne’s head meteorologist, Derek Hutchins gave the report this morning on his Facebook profile, he said “We’ve been looking at the weather maps and can’t make head nor tail of them. We’ve been struggling in the office ever since they upgraded our computer from Windows 98 to Windows Xp. The only good thing is, Solitaire still works.”

Yesterday they reported that we will be getting a heatwave on Christmas day. The only thing Derek is certain about, is that we will be getting a completely different weather forecast tomorrow.

Shoppers will visit Truro tonight to preview items they will later buy for cheap online.

truro christmas

Small business owners are preparing for late night shopping in Truro this evening. Thousands of people will descend on the city to enjoy the Reindeer Parade.

People are being urged to actually buy something they like from the shop, rather than being a skank and going home to buy it cheaper online.

Camborne man, Malcolm Monday who is off to Truro said, “I do go round the shops, av a look and if there’s something I like, I do take a picture on my Nokia 2210 phone and go home and find it cheap on ebay.”

Santa and his reindeer will be parading through Truro at 6.45pm. The park and ride will be operating all night.

Remember, it will be busy so leave early and will probably be pissing down, so take a jacket.

Cornwall faced with MORE WEATHER today! Is your town affected?

weather

The Meht Office have updated us this evening, warning we have more weather on its way today!

Monday will see light rain and a gentle breeze across Cornwall, Tuesday could possibly see snow, but lets be honest, it’s probably gonna to piss down and Wednesday is the same!

So there you go – weather!

We will be updating you again in the next two hours, with a totally opposite forecast, like “It will be the hottest Tuesday afternoon since records began!”

 

 

Angry shopper returns Black Friday TV after discovering it shows the same crap as his old one.

derek hutchins

A bargain hunter from Cornwall returned his TV today, saying “It’s got the same old crap on it as my old TV!”

Derek Hutchins, from Camborne Cornwall bought the TV at his local branch of B&M last Friday, he said “I camped out overnight, in the pissing down rain to get that TV. When the shop doors opened, I had to punch a member of staff in the face to make sure I was first in! I Grabbed the nearest TV I could find and got out quick. I even left my tent in the car park – it was bedlam!

When I got home and switched it on, I soon realised that, TVs ain’t that special, they all show the same old crap!”

Derek was given a full refund and is hoping to get a new microwave in the January sales.

Penlee Quarry in Cornwall to become worlds first multi-story car boot sale.

Cornwall Council have been granted 25 million pounds to turn the disused quarry into a car boot sale complex.

car boot world pz

 

 

 

 

The beauty spot, situated between Penzance and Newlyn will become the car boot sale capital of the world, with the multi-story site selling everything from old fishing rods, cassette tapes and even push bikes. There will also be dedicated spots for burger vans, selling burger and chips and instant coffee in polystyrene cups.

The new plans have created a buzz in the town, local, Mark Rogers said, “Every Wednesday, I do go Rosudgeon car boot. Sometimes it’s a real pain in the ass to get down there, especially if it’s raining or there’s lots of bleddy tourists around it do do my head in! Not anymore, I can walk down Penlee, I heard they’re installing a punch bag I bet I can get the high score!”

Not everyone is happy with the new plans, Karen Dickinson of Newlyn said, “What a waste of money! I think they should turn it into a Poundland or B&M, we don’t have enough of them down here!”

Work is expected to start in the summer and be finished by next year.

Pasty Drive-Thru spotted on the Moon!

Pasty Drive Thru

Astronomers were shocked this week, after spotting a pasty drive-thru on the Moon!

It was originally thought there was only one of it’s kind. Now it appears there are two: one in Pool, Redruth and the other on the Moon!

Amateur Astronomer from Pengegon, Malcolm Penrose, spotted the extraterrestrial pasty shop last Tuesday, whilst star gazing in his garden shed, he said “It was a lovely clear night and I had me telescope in me hand. I’d drunk me usual three litres of Frosty Jacks Cider and felt a bit light headed. Looking through me telescope, I noticed something strange on a flat section of the moon’s surface. As I looked closer, I could see a bright light. I zoomed in as far as possible and the light was coming from a hatch attached to a small building. I thought, I must be hammered here, there’s no buildings on the Moon! So I got Susan, my misses in and she had a look!”

Susan confirmed there was a building on the moon and believed it to be a pasty drive-thru, she said “Malcolm came running into the front room panicking, I wasn’t happy because Eastenders was on. I told him it better be important because nobody interrupts me when I’m watching my soaps! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. It was definitely a pasty shop drive-thru, I just know it! I mean, what else could it have been? There’s no way it would be Mc Donalds or anything, there’s loads of them down here, so why would they build one on the moon? Definitely a pasty shop! I really think it’s a Prima Bakery or something like that. I think they’re keeping it quiet at the moment, ready for when they start doing that space tourism thing!”

Expert David Mitchell, from Falmouth is still waiting to confirm the building, he said, “If you have a good enough telescope, you should be able to see the light coming off the serving hatch on the moon! If it is a pasty shop, there’s going to be a lot of people wanting to try them out, I can see it being very busy up there!”

Steve Heller – Cornish News